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AIBU?

To expect an ETA from midwife/HV?

160 replies

smileygrapefruit · 14/07/2017 11:38

Just got home with newborn dc3 yesterday.

Was just getting out the shower and there's a knock at the door...the midwife is here. Had to answer in a towel sopping wet.

I've now remembered from the last two times how they always turn up unannounced. Am I just ment to sit in twiddling my thumbs all day? DH has taken other two dc out for the day and I was going to have a nap with dc3 but how am I supposed to do that if they could turn up at any time?!

Aibu to think they could just text to say "expect us between 10-12"?

OP posts:
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Yerroblemom1923 · 21/07/2017 07:52

I also thought it was intentional! I wasn't moving from the sofa the day after I'd
given birth to go clubbing or whatever. I wasn't going anywhere so it really didn't matter what time they came as I'd still be stuck on the sofa desperately struggling to feed a baby! If I dared have a shower dH was home on paternity leave so he could answer the door.
I needed their reassurance everything was ok so would happily give them priority over anything else that needed doing. Maybe I was a bit pfb though...

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RidingMyBike · 21/07/2017 08:00

I was so fed up and upset with my experience after the birth I complained and ended up with an appointment with the head of midwives (it took a while - my baby was 15 months by the time that happened). But they've taken on board my feedback and along with others and stats (too many readmissions to hospital with dehydrated or jaundiced babies) actually used it to improve what they're offering mothers.

So now my area has an infant feeding team who can either visit you at home or you go to them, but they provide the BF support. So the midwives can go to the postnatal checks and actually do them in an organised way and those that need help with feeding can be referred or take themselves to the infant feeding team - the same day. So the midwives doing the visits aren't suddenly finding themselves having to offer hours of BF support, delaying other visits.

Spoke to someone with a two week old last week who'd had similar problems to us but who had accessed the infant feeding team, got support for formula supplementing and expressing milk and was feeling really positive about it - total contrast with my appalling experience which ended up in SCBU.

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TheFirstMrsDV · 21/07/2017 08:51

bumdish I am not berating her for explaining the difficulties of her job.
I am expressing frustration at a professional expecting service users to be happy with a service the professionals are not happy with themselves!

Its just not true that midwives, teachers and nurses 'can't win'
That comes up every time anyone dares to challenge anything about a situation.
Its saying 'you are all the same so if we do something well you ALL moan about it anyway so whats the point?'
Which is not true.
I am sure MWs get complaints and rudeness but they are still loved, valued and respected and to deny that is to dismiss the feelings of thousands of women as less important as the fewer who can never be pleased.

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DandyJacket · 21/07/2017 14:25

But I will be more aware in future that some of these visits aren't welcome or wanted and try and make them less painful and more non-intrusive.

Thank you for listening. Now that you've identified that goal, how will you actually go about it in practical terms? Can I suggest that for one thing, if a relative lets you in, you wait near the door and ask them to go and tell the woman you've arrived, rather than follow them to her bedroom or wherever. If the woman wants you to come to her bedroom or wherever, then the relative will come back and tell you that. Does that sound practical?

But in the case of a visit not being wanted, if you knew that, why would you still attempt to make it? The visits are not obligatory, or do you think women shouldn't have a choice?

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TheFirstMrsDV · 21/07/2017 14:33

I can understand why a MW would still want to visit even if they are not wanted.
They know all the stuff that can go wrong. They are medical professionals with a duty of care.
They want to make sure their patients are safe.

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DandyJacket · 21/07/2017 14:40

Of course they will still want to visit and make sure their patients are safe. But do women actually have a choice, is the question.

If a visit is declined, then the MW should explain the reasons they want to visit. If the woman still says, 'thanks, I understand everything you've said, but actually could you give me some space and visit in a few days' Should the MW still turn up the first day and get someone to let her in?

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TheFirstMrsDV · 21/07/2017 16:01

I agree with you Dandy but I do wonder if we are so used to women surviving childbirth and infant mortality rate being so [relatively] low that we can be complacent post birth?

There is perhaps a danger of rejecting the very things that have got us to this point. Do you know what I mean?

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Blueskyrain · 21/07/2017 23:49

The day after I came home (c section birth), I was told the midwife would call to arrange when they were coming. So I was sat in my nightie with the baby and husband was in the shower, and there's a loud knock at the door. I jump out of my skin, which really hurt go en my surgery, and couldn't get up whilst holding my child. I'd assumed it was the postman or something, but it was the midwife. I felt embarrassed that I wasn't dressed and felt flustered.

I got really fed up on not having a vague Eta - and when I was - ie 'morning' the midwife didn't turn up until late afternoon. If I'd known I could go to a clinic instead, I'd have done that. Maybe not the first visit, but for the others, I'd been going out daily anyway, much better to go to a clinic at a set time. Ah well, I'll know if I have another.

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rabbitcakes · 22/07/2017 00:05

One of the midwives who cake wanted to check my stitches in the living room. Where my family were having a cuppa.

Outstanding.

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DandyJacket · 22/07/2017 13:42

rabbitcakes Shock

TheFirstMrsDV I do wonder if .... we can be complacent post birth

I know what you mean, because it's part of the problem. The belief that if a woman rejects any aspect of care, then it can only be because she doesn't fully understand the risks. I'm not suggesting we do away with postnatal checks. I'm well aware things can go badly wrong very quickly, even after an apparently uncomplicated birth.

What I reject is the idea that midwives don't need to worry about boundaries. Or the idea that women who have just given birth somehow have less need for privacy, or right to make decisions, than any other competent adult.

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