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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to cancel my wedding?

24 replies

Roseandlily · 13/07/2017 22:22

We have booked and paid the deposit for the venue, photographers and a few other things.
I have always dreamed ever since I was a little girl of a big white wedding. And that's what I've planned and our venue is amazing and better than I ever thought I could have.

We haven't sent out invites yet and I don't want to. I just want to go off and get married on our own, with our best friends as wittinesses. And NO PARTY. I don't want a party after.

I'm worried that our families are going to be pissed off with us and that I will regret not having the big white wedding. The thought of a hen party or dress shopping scares me.

I don't know what to do. I just need some advice please?

OP posts:
MagentaRocks · 13/07/2017 22:25

We looked at a venue, had decided on it then changed our minds and went abroad just the two of us. We had 2 barbecues when we got back, one for friends and one for family.

No regrets at all.

MidnightAura · 13/07/2017 22:46

Well first of all it's not your families decision. It's YOUR wedding day (and DPs) if family members get upset ask them if they would have liked their parents/in laws interfering with their wedding plans and choices.

I didn't elope but I thought about it and in a lot of ways I wish I had eloped with the benefit of hindsight.

What's the reason(s) for suddenly wanting to elope? Why the change of heart?

grandOlejukeofYork · 13/07/2017 22:48

What has changed though? You always wanted it, you wanted it enough to book it, you still think it is amazing.
So what happened to change your mind?

joojoobean99 · 13/07/2017 22:50

We went to Florida on holiday and got married without telling anyone (had been engaged about 7 years!). Pissed a few people off, but it was the best thing we ever did. No drama, no expense, and we got to spend the day doing what we wanted to do (which happened to be lazing around the pool and then off to a theme park in the evening! Grin)

PerspicaciaTick · 13/07/2017 23:00

Don't push onwards with your current plans and commit more money to it all until you've had a chance to take some time out, think about what has changed for you, think about what you really want and what regrets you might have and (most importantly) talk to your DP about your feelings.

And remember, you don't have to have a hen party, you don't have to a ridiculously expensive dress with a full entourage shopping experience. It isn't a case of all or nothing. You can pick and choose the parts of the wedding that are important to you and leave the rest.

Original poster
Roseandlily · 13/07/2017 23:05

My parents have been divorced for 10 years. I told my mother that I was going to invite my fathers partner (soon to be his wife). My mother and I have not spoke for 9months now. And she won't come to the wedding. It is causing so much trouble. My mother hates his partner. My mother is very difficult and manipulative. All I wanted was a huge family wedding. And now it just doesn't have that feel.

I don't want to elope really. I happy to just go off to another city in the uk for a weekend. I think our families will get over it.

I just don't know what to do. If we are going ahead then I need to send the invites out in August (haven't ordered them yet).

My partner is amazing and he is happy no matter what I decide. He just wants me to be happy not not regret anything. I'm very much an all or nothing person, no In between with me Hmm

OP posts:
MidnightAura · 13/07/2017 23:14

Roseandlily I'm that case I do understand why you want to elope.

My inlaws didn't attend our wedding and it has caused DH and I to go NC with his family as a result. We didn't have a huge wedding. It was a small affair but we made the best of it. But my DH felt humiliated (as did I) that on the day his family weren't there for him. We seriously considered eloping when they said they weren't coming.

Take some serious time to consider your options. You don't have to have the big wedding dress, the big bent night etc. Have what makes you happy.

thecolonelbumminganugget · 13/07/2017 23:17

It doesn't have to be one or the other, you can do what you want. We're getting married next weekend, hen do last weekend which was a BBQ with some mates and dp and played some board games, his stag do the weekend before was very similar and I went to it. Both days were great, everyone had a lovely time because it was what is and our friends like to do. We've basically picked the the things we like and organised a wedding based around that, you don't have to follow a formula. Our huge expensive wedding next week isn't even legally binding, we're doing that just the two of us on a different day.
There's so much choice - you can do anything you want!

Best advice I can give is to avoid bridal magazines and wedding fayres- they make you start to think you have to follow a formula. Start with the things you love and the things you enjoy together, work from there and it will be authentic to you and your guests, you can then build formalities like speeches and first dances in from there if you want to.

Sorry went off on one Blush

MidnightAura · 13/07/2017 23:19

Whoops I mean big hen night!

PerspicaciaTick · 13/07/2017 23:22

I have no tolerance at all for grown women who emotionally blackmail their families to get their own way.

I would be tempted to tell her that you are sorry she doesn't feel able to attend but you are having your big wedding with or without her. Maybe she will change her mind about joining you - hurrah! Maybe she won't, well she isn't speaking to you now so that isn't a huge loss.

What would you regret more? Having your childhood dream wedding, without your mum or eloping (and still not having your mum there).

WhenWasThat · 13/07/2017 23:23

Isn't there a huge middle ground between 'big white wedding' and 'eloping'. Confused

Gemini69 · 13/07/2017 23:25

Go and get married the way you WISH to...

forget about everyone else.... it's your Day ...

good luck x

ZoeWashburne · 13/07/2017 23:27

If your mum threatens not to come, call her bluff. Say 'well of course I'll be sad your aren't there, but it's your decision and we'll miss you' and leave it.

Have your wedding with your friends/family that can act like adults. If anyone wants to sulk at home, let them. At this age, you need to be able to be civil to other adults, and if they can't, they'll just embarrass themselves.

Don't give up your dream because of others: your wedding won't change you and your mum's relationship-but if you want a big family wedding, have one with or without her- she is just embarrassing herself.

LindyHemming · 13/07/2017 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/07/2017 23:30

We had similar emotional blackmail attempts from MIL trying to get DH to call the wedding off (I am divorced, have children from my previous marriage and I am the wrong colour amongs other crimes).

We had the wedding, she wasnt there and guess who regrets it the most now? She didnt meet DD until she (DD) was 4 because we kept to our word about her behaviour. She eventually changed her behaviour and although her attitude I am sure is the same, she at least keeps it to herself (and DH's sisters ..... a whole thread on their own).

If you want a big white wedding and the only reason you are not having one is her, then go ahead and have it. The atmosphere you are talking about will still be there, it was for us. And she wont have the satisfaction of knowing that your ultimate punishment for going against her dictat was you losing your dream wedding. Because thats what this is, your punishment for being a naughty and ungrateful daughter Hmm

EllaElla · 13/07/2017 23:32

In my view, marriage is about the commitment to everyday existence with your husband and not the sum total of a single day. I've been to many lovely weddings on both sides of the extravagance spectrum, but I'm partial to small, relatively inexpensive, heartfelt weddings. Just get a great photographer. Much more sensible in retrospect years down the line. Save your money for your future together, for holidays, homes, babies etc, if you're in any doubt about a big expensive day!!

Pixiedown123 · 13/07/2017 23:32

My mum started with all the "you have to ....." so I binned it off and we went to Vegas. Best thing ever.

wobblywonderwoman · 13/07/2017 23:40

Really think about what YOU want, not the problem with your mother. Call her bluff. If she chooses, so be it. You must have paid a substantial deposit !!!!

Atenco · 13/07/2017 23:59

How horrible of your mother, frankly, OP. I'm not too convinced about big white weddings, myself. I think it is one thing to dream about something as a child, but the reality is quite different. The money you would save could go towards your house.

Mamabear14 · 14/07/2017 06:33

We had a big wedding booked. Neither of us really wanted that but it's easy to feel like you 'should' do that. We also got fed up of all our disposable income going on what was essentially a meal. So we sat down the other day and decided to take our parents, and our kids, and do it on DP's week off next month. Few frantic phone calls and it's all booked.
I am sure we will upset people. But with just siblings and their kids it was an extra 25 people. We have a good photographer though, it was one thing I wouldn't compromise on. And we can finally make some plans for things with the kids as we will actually be able to afford to!
You need to do what YOU want. Not your mum. Would you honestly regret not having the bells and whistles wedding, or would you be stressed out the whole day about your Mum if you did? You need to enjoy your wedding day!

KentMum2008 · 14/07/2017 06:39

I always wanted a huge white wedding, I'd had it planned in my head since I was about 5! So imagine my surprise when I got engaged, started to plan the wedding and then panicked and changed my mind. DH and I got married 2 weeks ago, we had 8 guests (immediate family only) and lunch after in a lovely restaurant.
We kept it a secret until the day of, and everyone was surprised but we've not had anyone pissed off about it. We got married because we love each other, and when it came down to it all the fuss and the expense and the circus/politics surrounding weddings these days put me off. It was the most perfect day OP, I have absolutely no regrets and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

paradoxicalInterruption · 14/07/2017 06:52

There is a huge middle ground between big white wedding and eloping!

Skip the hen do and wedding dress shopping 'day' just go and buy one.

Don't have top table malarkey.
Think of it more as a party your mum can't get to. Or have a neutral family member gave a quiet word with her that's it not all about her.

Or elope. But it seems a shame to let drama queen mum dictate your day. Is this the first step in your breaking away from that?

RubberTeeth · 14/07/2017 08:55

I was in your situation 15 years ago - with similar family hassles. In the end, we lost our venue deposit and flew to Las Vegas. We paid for a very small number of friends to join us - as many as could fit into the helicopter in which we said 'I do' over headphones. The wedding ceremony (which took an hour to organize) cost $700 including helicopter, limo, cake, fizz and priest. Back home, what we didn't spend went on a new bathroom and kitchen. Not a day goes by where I regret this.

Liverbird77 · 14/07/2017 20:28

You need to do what you feel you want to do. Just to address two concerns though...I am getting married a week on Thursday and I haven't had a hen do. I just didn't want one. No one has batted an eyelid. Secondly, I too was dreading wedding dress shopping. I happened upon a fabulous shop in Elephant and Castle and the ladies there were fabulous. They even picked my dress out and I loved it! It wasn't traumatic at all. Happy to share details if you want. It may be that you are having a wobble because it is all getting real, and that's only natural. Good luck with whatever you decide x

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