Helping someone who is depressed

[Puglove]

Posting for traffic.

My DP is depressed. There is good reason, some dreadful things have happened to him in recent months including a horrific bereavement. He's also got to go to court soon (I can't discuss the offence, but there is mitigation. The sentence is normally suspended but there's a small chance of a custodial. According to his brief that's very very unlikely. But it could happen). He's not in great physical health but isn't looking after himself and that could be dangerous in the long term.

He's been keeping on for a while. But in the last few weeks it's become obvious he's struggling. He doesn't have anyone to talk to except me, but even so he says little to me. His flat is a mess, he's not sleeping, he's in pain. He won't go to his GP about how he's feeling emotionally because he isn't registered with one, and round here the whole process of getting registered is so protracted (and appointments so hard to come by) he probably wouldn't get to see a Dr until after the summer.

I don't know what to do. I can't make it better for him. I've tried to persuade him to let me clean his flat but he won't let me, he barely let's me in there. I can't make him go to his GP. I can't control what happens at court but I know if he goes to prison he won't come out. I just don't know what to do. I can't even get him to let me help him tidy.

[Puglove]

It would be 6-12 months. He won't so it though. He has a job now which he has worked for years to get to. He wouldn't be able to do it with a prison sentence. He wouldn't retrain.

I believe he's attempted previously or at least planned, but stopped himself so no hospital etc involved.

If I step back he basically has no one but that's part of the issue. Our long term loans were marriage, in sickness and in health and so on :/

[cestlavielife]

Yes but if you break your leg you won't expect him to fix you. You will ask hi. To support tou to hospital
If you get cancer you won't leave it to him to fix you and treat you .

If no one knows he has been suicidal no one can help him

[cestlavielife]

In sickness and in health doesnt mean you carrying the burden of his issues or vice versa

[cestlavielife]

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[cestlavielife]

Read it. Logo g and coping with depression fallout

You don t even know if he has clinical depression because he hasn't been seen by a psych or been diagnosed
You have diagnosed him. Are you qualified to do that ?

Maybe he is just a needy so and so And enjoys having you run after him. Sorry that is harsh but you have to look out for yourself. You didn't commit any crime. He did.
He has to face up to his sentence and turn his life around retrain whatever. It is not your issue to do that for him.
If being with you when he gets out and having a life and future with you is not enough for him then it is not enough.

Or...he really is mentally unwell and needs help. You can't have it both ways.

[MorrisZapp]

What they all said about stepping back. None of this is of your making or under your control. His own refusal to address his problems is causing real life issues for you. My heart goes out to you both but please protect your own health, job and mental wellbeing before you start giving him anything you really can't spare.

Do you have friends who know him?

[cestlavielife]

Who do you have to support you ?
Who else is in your life?
Who is there for you if he goes to prison ?
You do need some real life support.

[FlindersKeepers]

This article may be helpful: The Guardian

It is also really important to know that staying is an active choice, rather than an obligation.
I'm writing that as my DP is dealing with depression and has been in treatment over the past couple of years. There have been times when my boundaries were poor and I thought I had to take a mothering role over him, that can easily turn into two depressed people in a co-dependent relationship.

Him becoming well is dependent on many different factors, but you can't force him to be well. Obviously if he's in acute danger, people need to intervene, this can't be at the cost of you though.

Speak to Mind, they have good information on their website too. You may well also find support via charities for people facing court or try CRUISE for bereavement support.
Many services offer online help which he may find easier.

You can show him these options, it is up to him to take the steps.
And look after you too!

Keeping up social contacts, having bits of my life which aren't all about my partner's depression, having outlets like sport or here have been great for me. You saying you have nobody to talk to us concerning, you need support too.
(Try the Relationships board?)
Good luck!!

[cestlavielife]

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/jul/14/moment-changed-me-listening-suicidal-wife?CMP=fb_gu

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

This may sound harsh but he has rational reasons to be feeling low - a bereavement and now legal issues with possibly imprisonment.

Does he consider himself depressed? If so, but he won't seek help for it, you really have to take a step back whilst letting him know that you're there if he wants to talk.

If he doesn't think he's depressed and there's no GP diagnosis then this is your opinion based on his behaviours.

[DudeHatesHisCarryOut]

This may come across as sexist, sorry, but are there any blokes who could talk to him? Do you have a brother, dad, friend, who knows him at all?

DP only went to the doctor about his depression when a friend of his pointed out he was depressed. He thought he'd managed to hide it from everyone but me. I honestly don't think it would have had the same impact if a female friend had raised the issue, either.

I would talk to your GP asap. Or even take him to A and E. I know it's neither an accident nor an immediate emergency, but I'd want him seen.

[Puglove]

I don't really have any support, I have friends but not close ones, I cant discuss the court case and lots of them don't know about the bereavement because I cant deal with peoples reactions to it. Hence it's quite difficult to discuss how DP is.

I'm no expert, but he presents as being depressed. He has had depression in the past. He considers he is depressed now and has thoughts of suicide though hasn't gone as far as planning it. He won't see a dr because that involves registering, and waiting and it's all pointless anyway (his words).

There's no one male in my life that could talk to him, I have no male friends or family, he has no friends.

[cestlavielife]

Oh well
Wait til court
I imagine a doctor will assess him in prison..if he doesn't get a sentence then take him to gp
Nothing else you can do
But you can see someone for you get referred for counselling yourself

[MorrisZapp]

Is this an otherwise healthy and mutually supportive relationship? I get the sense he's a loner who relies on you for everything, which sounds very suffocating. Has he supported you and boosted you up when you needed it in the past, or has it mostly been a one way thing?

[Puglove]

Before all this...you wouldn't have classed him as a loner. He did have a small loose circle of friends but they were connected to job/ town, and over the last 12-18 months he has lost touch with them all. He is not a going to the pub type as he rarely drinks alcohol, so opportunities to make new friends are limited. And then in the last 6 months all this has happened.

A year ago I would very much have described it as a mutually supportive relationship, but that was before. Now I feel everything is on my shoulders, and I do reach points of real frustration. Having everyone relying on me for everything is draining (it's DP at home, my DC too although they are of an age where they should be more independent than they ar3, and at work where I am expected to know the answer to everything, or to find every bit of information. It's wearying).

[Puglove]

Updating, I was contacted today as police/probation (preparing pre sentence report and whatnot) are concerned about him being suicidal. He told them I'm all he has to live for. So no pressure there. The authorities can't compel him to engage with mental health services but they said I should try and encourage him. I feel worse now than before. He'd not told me he'd spoken to them, they told me he was in a bit of a state.

[cestlavielife]

well you will be there for him after his sentence if he has one.
so if he is living for you and you are "all he has to live for" then you don't need to do anything other than stick around
what he says makes no logical sense.
you are around
you are planning to be around while he is in prison and after
so he can stay alive for you..

having said that, it is not on you to save him.
you are not obliged to commit your life to his. unless you want to.
no one has that responsibility for another's life - maybe to a degree if it is your child .
he is not you child.
and you dont have to make any promise to him
he should want to live for himself.

if he is really bad they can consider compelling him by sectioning.
so if he isnt meeting the criteria for a section then he isnt bad enough

[cestlavielife]

so either he is suicidal and in danger to himself -= needs sectioning
or he isnt

either way it sounds like he needs some mh input
so all you can do is reiterate to him to get some professional help
tell him bluntly get in the car we going to see a doctor /take action to save yourself/
or stop moaning

[Puglove]

I get what you're saying. I asked if they felt he was a danger, they weren't qualified to say. But that I should persuade him to seek help. It feels like they want me to be responsible for him.

It's difficult because they haven't told him they'd contact me.

[cestlavielife]

turn it back to them
tell them if they feel he needs to see medical people they should call 999
put the responsibility onto them
they have seen him


if you see him tell him they contacted you

tell him you cant take responsibility for him because he is an adult

dial Samaritans and hand him the phone

go outside and call 999 if he says he wants to kill himself

[Puglove]

Yes I think I was probably a bit too obliging, I was taken by surprise a bit when they contacted me, and just kind of found myself agreeing along when they said I should persuade him. I probably should have stood up for myself a bit better.