To be so upset that DS8 doesn't have any real friends.

[Woohoo1234]

DS8 is in year 3 and since starting junior school he has really struggled socially to fit in. He had a few friends at infant school and 1 close friend that he played with a lot of the time and sometimes in a group with others. They were split into different classes in Junior school and this friend has since found new friends to play with. I tried to keep up with some playdates but they now seem to have grown apart. DS is not particularly interested in football and other sports whilst they rest of the boys in his junior class are. There seems to be a few non-sporty types like DS in other classes but they have their own set of friends. Due to his social difficulties we/school are looking into him being assessed for Aspergers syndrome. However, he doesn't seem to have the many of the typical traits other than social problems.
There were about 4 children from his infant school class that went up to his new class and he plays with 2 of them occasionally but most of the time they are off playing football. There was another boy that he picked on his list to go upto his junior class with but this boy doesn't seem to play with in him anymore. I tried to arrange a playdate a couple of months ago to try and encourage a wider circle of friends and texted this boys mum. She texted back and said she didn't think they were friends anymore and he wouldn't be interested. This was before she had even asked him as he was in bed. I was so upset for him.
I just wish he had at least one close friend at school that he was able to play with most days and I feel he would then find it easier to join in groups. He says some days he often wanders around the playground by himself and when he tries to join in, he gets told to go away. On other days he sometimes plays with a few of the girls in his class but at this age they don't always want to include the boys. He goes to a extra class within school to try and help with social skills but this doesn't seem to help him when he is actually in the playground. I so worried that this will stay the same throughout the rest of his time at school as he gets more and more socially excluded. We talk about friendships and how to join in etc and he is happy to play alone sometimes but would like a friend/group of friends. Has anyone had a similar experience with their DC and what did you do to help? Did anything change as they progressed through school? I would be grateful for any advice please.

I changed schools for my child.

Everything was ok until Y3, the natural gender split happens around the time they go to juniors. Girls wants to go do girly stuff, the boys were all a bit too 'alpha', he was horribly left out and unhappy so I moved him to a school with far better SEN provision and autism unit. He flourished.

Thus could be my DS. Same age and year group. Same issues.

I have had regular meetings with the SENCO and form teacher (who initially approached me about their concerns). They have introduced the circle of friends initiative in the class (not entirely sure if the set up but it is a way of encouraging inclusiveness in all children) and are trying out various desk set ups etc. It is not resolved by any stretch but we are slowly getting somewhere.

Our referral to the paediatrician has finally come through for September but you really need to get the School on board.

And don't worry about him playing with girls DS seems to get on better with the girls in his class and we are encouraging it (and they seem happy with it too)

Good luck, it is heartbreaking I know. My defining moment was when DS was not invited to (who he thought was) his best friend's birthday party

Don't know about that Stilldriving Ds2 is about to go into Y5 and most of his friends are girls. He sounds a bit like the OP's son and finds boy friendships much harder although there are some boys he is friendly with.

Maybe it will all crash and burn next year but so far, so good.

Its difficult isn't it.... My son is 8 and when asked about his friends he talks about the reception children.
The older ones don't really want to play with him. His friends he played with when he was younger have all got into football or play too rough which he doesn't enjoy. He is also quite emotional which I think can put some boys off wanting to play with him, and as you said the girls don't always want a boy to join in.
There isn't much I think I can do. He's there another 2 years and then hopefully at secondary school he will find a group of children who he can be friends with.

One thing I can say is....I have volunteered a bit at school so have seen him at play times... only once have I seen him upset/alone... all the other times he has been running around with other children playing and smiling which has really put my mind at ease a bit. I know its not possible for everyone to go and volunteer at school, and your case may be different....

Have they considered a buddy system where the school choose someone to play with him every day.... our school did this with another child who was struggling. My son would play with him one play time and another child would play with him the next one.

Yes, my eldest is very much like this, was having an autism diagnosis, however what really helped was the school really taking positive steps,

School arranged for the senco to have 1:1 time to explore social communication.
We arranged for her to do drama class which really helped her be comfortable expressing herself, the drama school is really focused on children building confidence and inclusiveness.
Allowed her to find her talents, she writes amazing poetry and performs in front of groups with no problem at all.

She is able to articulate far easier what she finds difficult, her last classic line was "its easier talking to friends online, because its not such hard work"

She now has a best friend who she clicks with, but this is at the end of year four, she has felt very lonely at times and anxious that she should have loads of friends. Weve just kept a running conversation of what a friendship means, that acquaintances arent the same thing and her social butterfly sister and grown ups find it tough finding friends.

@ Secondary there is gender imbalance at the school (24 girls and 120 boys in the year group). Fortunately the girls are mainly in his sets so he has stronger relationships with them, but we found quite late, he was very musically talented, which is common with people on the ASD spectrum. So he's now very involved with the music and drama department.

I would suggest music/drama extra curricular if you can afford those sorts of lessons. It can be expensive.

MarthasHarbour... That's like my son, he thought one boy was his best friend... BF had a birthday party and didn't invite him, in fact, he invited boys who my ds said are mean to bf. He said he wasn't bothered about not going but I think he was.

Of yes ds2 is very into dance, music and drama - which may also explain why he has so many girls as friends.

I spoke to the teacher and SENCO about a "circle of friends' and his teacher's reply was something along the lines of "I can't ask a bunch of 7/8 year olds to be friends with someone". I'm so glad he has a different teacher next year.

This also sounds very similar to my yr3 son. He has a dx of dyspraxia with some sensory processing issues.

I talked to school about it and they were really helpful. They identified some other quieter boys they thought he might get on with and then his teacher or TA would help him join in with them in the playground.

He also had some set activities he does like choir one lunchtime, feeding the guinea pigs with the senco another day.

I never thought I'd be 'that' parent but now I do make an effort to know what the 'in thing' is and make sure he has the right bag, pencil case etc so he has a shared talking point with other children.

It's all helping. But sometimes he says he just goes to the playground and waits for lunch. It breaks my heart but I'm not sure how much it actually bothers him.

I hope that teacher isn't representative of the school. If so, move him. Our school do all sorts of things to help children feel included and find friends.

The teacher said what?! God, that's appalling.

Year 3 was completely crap for my DS (he is on the SN register) but things have slowly improved and he has a couple of pretty good friends in year 5.

Things that helped:
A list of clubs running at lunchtime that he could go to if he couldn't find anyone to play with. Also a good way of meeting other kids.
Joining cubs
The school actually pulling their finger out and having a circle of friends system, buddies etc.
Special dispensation to sit inside rather than go out to the playground if it all became a bit much.

The school should be actively managing this. And that other mum was really horrible - I wouldn't dream of saying that to another parent.

I feel for you Woohoo. My DS1 (he's in year 4) has been struggling with friendships too. In general he's doing fine at school but since start of year 3, he's had hardly any birthday party invitations and it's usually me who keeps making an effort to have other boys for playdates.

He's not into football at all and it often peeves me off as I think there's more to little boy's life than just bloody football.

I wish I had more words of wisdom for you but I don't. I think you should talk to the teacher maybe as I'm sure they should do something about the the playtime exclusion.

Oh, I've just seen your update regarding the teacher, that's appalling. I'm sorry you are going through this .

Change schools. Different dynamic. Different mix. Is this a one form entry school or larger?

Seriously though. I would move schools if it were me. Give him another shot at a different bunch of kids (plus kids love new starters and all want to adopt them! He gets a fresh start. Win win)

Not sure if you do the school run but if you do get chatting to any other mums in his year. I'm a Gran who does the school run and have become friendly with a lot of the older mums. We arrange to go to places the boys can play whether or not the boys themselves are friends. It's the adults who are happy to spend time together while the boys do whatever boys do (making dens, climbing trees, hiding).

My son was exactly the same and was finally diagnosed with aspergers when he was 8. As he has got older things have gotten better and he has one friend now (who I suspect also has AS) and is pretty happy.

I agree, at my dc school they've banned football from being played every break time as it really excludes those who don't play, as well as the game physically dominating the space on the field and the dc being aggressive to 'pitch invaders'/other dc wanting to use the outdoors that's there for them as well.

I could have written your post OP...

Volunteering, having the right 'things' and getting school properly on side have all helped us. We also work on communication skills at home by encouraging smiling, greetings, asking the odd question etc... (bloody difficult). Just because friendships are hard now... doesn't mean they will always be so. He will learn skills if you teach him.

It's tough as a parent to witness this, bit well worth all your efforts of course.

I was given advice to try and make opportunities for my children outside of school just in case school wasn't easy at times. We have had great success with Beavers and Cubs, I think your child would probably be a cub. It's worth a go, they do many different types of activities and it's an opportunity to mix with new children in an environment I believe to be excellent. They do camping, kayaking, crafts, sports, day trips. It's also very affordable so not going to break your budget. Our children also attend swimming which has been another source of weekly fun. Hope you can find some clubs outside of school, as I think it can help make school more bearable and gives children social skill opportunities. Good Luck

Sorry to hear of this. I remember it well.

A really good school can make a difference. My son is now thriving and I have seen school succeed with other children too.

It's the other parents that get me.....

Make home as much of a sanctuary as possible.

Thank you for replies. Changing schools is not really an option as there are no spaces in our local area. His 2 siblings are also at the school and happy. He is generally happy at school as he likes schoolwork but friendship wise it bothers him. It's a 3 form entry and classes change again in year 5 and I'm hoping this will help and he will meet someone like-minded in this year.
His new teacher for Y4 seems much better and I think I will have a talk with her and mention "circle of friends" and "buddy system". Now I realise this is the norm in other schools. I will be much more pro-active in making sure these are implemented.

Make an appointment with the SENCO rather than the teacher if possible. I am appalled by the current teachers response. This is a very standard tool used in schools now.

He has been at Beavers and now goes to Cubs. He really enjoys it but again he seems to be on the outside of the group. I'm friends with a couple of the mums from his current class who were also in his infant class and they are aware that DS finds it difficult socially. However, their DS's are very close and are both into football etc and although they have some playdates and play ok when 1:1. In school, they don't really play that much as they are off playing football and therefore DS is left alone.

Marthasharbour - the SENCO was there and didn't say anything in response to what the teacher said.