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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to tell DH to wise up

25 replies

tiredandfrustrated · 13/07/2017 12:29

Ok so we have a 3yo ds and nearly 2 yo ds. Ds1 is pushing boundaries, challenging at times. This week has been tough as he has had many accidents and peed his pants. We take him to the toilet, remind him, etc etc but he just isn't co-operating.

This morning he was on his 3rd pair of pants when I asked him did he want to come to the shop with me. He was adamant he did not, so I took ds2, leaving ds1 with dh. After the stressful morning I didn't want to leave them both with him, thought he'd have an easier time if I took one.

When I got back, (an hour at most) Dh told me ds1 had been in time out nearly the whole time I'd been away. Dh had put him in for hitting at him because he'd decided too late that he did want to come with me but I was already away.

When the 3 minutes were up, ds1 apparently refused to come out of time out and continued to tantrum no matter what Dh tried to calm him down.

Dh is cross and exasperated and has told me he's 'done' with ds1. He's had enough and he's done. Whatever that means.

I tried reminding him ds1 is only 3, and is not deliberately trying to wind us up. I don't know what to say to Dh about it all.

OP posts:

NellieFiveBellies · 13/07/2017 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justinelibertine · 13/07/2017 12:41

How about a parent craft course for DH. I was struggling to control situations with my DD. Couldn't stand tantrum and screaming noise.
I did Incredible years webster stratton. And was given strategies to keep calm when DD's behaviour was challenging.
I still feel wound up sometimes but have more methods to cope with dealing with it.
You sound like you and DH are on different pages parenting wise.
As you know 3 mins of time out at 3yo is enough. DS needs to calm himself. DH trying to calm him had the opposite effect.

I think you need to remind DH to keep calm and yes, also your DS is 3. And you know it's hard but it's not forever.

FWIW, my H wasn't able to change a pooey nappy on his own until DD was 18 months. He realised what a wanker he was through the webster stratton course. Nappy, wet pants. They're babies.

Wide0penSpace · 13/07/2017 12:42

Are you punishing him with time out or similar when he "isn't cooperating" by wetting himself?

It sounds like you and his dad are quite stressed, is your son ready for potty training or would it be better to leave it a few weeks?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 13/07/2017 12:45

Maybe your son isn't quite ready for pants yet
Pull ups?
Your husband, on the other hand, needs to grow up!

user1493413286 · 13/07/2017 12:45

How long ago was this and have you spoken to him since? I think a lot of parents have said something they didn't really mean when stressed but if he continues saying it then it's obviously more of a problem.

eyebrowsonfleek · 13/07/2017 12:46

Once h has calmed down you need to speak again. Hopefully he regrets the comment about being done.

Hopefully he understands that Ds1 tantrummed because he couldn't deal with the fact that he'd picked "wrong". It's disappointment, anger, jealousy... He needs to sit down with ds1 (once he's calm) and label the emotions and offer a chance for ds1 to say sorry for hitting. Learning to manage emotions is a long, major life lesson for 3 year olds and while I sympathise with his exasperation, he needs to try and be patient and sympathetic about how hard it is to control emotions.

Original poster

tiredandfrustrated · 13/07/2017 12:49

Wideopen he's been potty trained since January. We are not punishing him for accidents but he did freak out at the suggestion that he go back into pull ups for a day or two.

He went in time out for hitting and kicking daddy

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredandfrustrated · 13/07/2017 12:51

User it was about an hour ago and he has been up showering and dressing for work. Maybe being away the rest of the day will be a good break.

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredandfrustrated · 13/07/2017 12:51

User it was about an hour ago and he has been up showering and dressing for work. Maybe being away the rest of the day will be a good break.

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredandfrustrated · 13/07/2017 12:52

User it was about an hour ago and he has been up showering and dressing for work. Maybe being away the rest of the day will be a good break.

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredandfrustrated · 13/07/2017 12:53

Sorry for the triple post, it kept saying it had failed

OP posts:

mrsRosaPimento · 13/07/2017 13:15

Get ds1 to put his wet pants etc in the washing machine and wipe the wee off the floor. My ds2 tried this just once after he cleaned up. Only wee wee.
Yes he's pushing the boundaries, he's realised that he can say no. I got a really helpful book called Raising a Spirited Child.
Your dh needs to shape up. Your ds needs a dad, not a friend or playmate.

KimmySchmidt1 · 13/07/2017 13:31

ignore DH's tantrum, just like you would ignore DS's tantrum.

they are both just stressed and immature!

Whosthemummynow · 13/07/2017 13:38

Some days I'm done with my kids as well!!

Ropsleybunny · 13/07/2017 13:41

Put him back in nappies, forget about the potty/toilet and try again in a few weeks. He's still very young and it sounds like he's struggling.

His behaviour doesn't sound too out of line for a three year old. I think you should both reassess your expectations for him.

Your DH cannot quit, he needs to know that being a father is for life. I guess he was just stressed and does understand this. The two of you need to present a united, consistent front but please remember that your DS is still very young, so problems with the potty and tantrums is par for the course.

Sprinklestar · 13/07/2017 13:42

It can take children 45 minutes to come out of a tantrum. Why is your DH so ignorant? It's actually scary that he thinks his son is naughty when his behaviour is actually normal for his age.

PotteringAlong · 13/07/2017 13:44

Have you never said you've had enough? Really? Do you mean it? Of course not. I think your DH just sounds a bit stressed and like he needs a break.

GeillisTheWitch · 13/07/2017 13:47

I doubt the OP's husband meant that he is going to opt out of parenting permanently because he was stressed over a tantrum, I think he's getting a bit of a rough ride on here. We've all had moments with toddlers that we could have handled better, toddlers can be frustrating as hell.

mistermagpie · 13/07/2017 13:50

Treat DH like you would treat the toddler on your best day. I mean this in a good way because although toddlers are not just short adults, they are human beings with all their flaws and everyone needs to feel respected, understood and safe. So acknowledge his feelings and accept them, commiserate with him over the tough time he had this morning, give him a hug and move on.

We've all said we've had enough, or felt like running away at one point or another surely? He doesn't mean it, he is just stressed and being silly.

Original poster

tiredandfrustrated · 13/07/2017 13:50

I just don't know how to help Dh I guess.

OP posts:

40andFat · 13/07/2017 13:53

Remind him that he's far from done he has at least another 18 years to go👍.
Seriously I'm sure he doesn't mean it I've actually said this directly to my now 15yr old DS1. I'm done I can't do this anymore as he has pushed many boundaries since day1. He'll be fine it's just a vent we all need to vent TBF he did well to persevere lots of people would have given up.

StandardNameHere · 13/07/2017 13:59

DH was stressed and just said it.
I know I've had days where I've turned round (out of ear shot) and said I'm escaping to Scotland, did I mean it.. of course not.
Sounds like he couldn't deal with the tantrum and he was winding your son back up by trying to get him to calm down so I would discuss a plan of action for 'meltdown mode' so next time he can at least give another approach a go.
TBH I wouldn't think DH saying that is too great but as long as it wasn't said in front of my son I would put it down to being wound up

mistermagpie · 13/07/2017 14:21

How to help him? Start by asking him what stresses him out I suppose. For me it's mealtimes, so DH helps by taking a bit more control (of the toddler, not me!) during meals. Is it the general tantrums that he finds hard to manage or the toilet training issues themselves?

I'm personally not a fan of time-out, I find it stressful and it winds my DS right up. Could DH look at other forms of discipline or distraction when tantrums start?

caffeinestream · 13/07/2017 14:34

I think all parents get fed up at times - hell, all adults get fed up. It's normal and it doesn't mean he's a crap, useless parent like some have said. I don't normally like reversing situations, but if a mother came on here and said she was "done" with potty-training and tantrums, we all know she'd get tons of sympathy and support.

Sounds like it was the straw that broke the camel's back and he snapped. It's normal, it happens. It also sounds like DS isn't ready for potty training and by forcing him, you're just making him angry and frustrated as he doesn't get it yet. Give it a break - go back to pull-ups and try again in a few months. He's only 3 - he doesn't need to be out of nappies yet.

snoopypoodle · 13/07/2017 14:47

I've said that I'm done and I've had enough in the past. I've said that I give up too.

But I didn't. I just needed to get the emotion off my chest.

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