To be hurt by this "joke"?

[ConfusedFTM]

I've NC for this as it'd definitely out me under my usual username.

I was visiting my mother who had bought some baby items for my first child due in a couple of weeks. My M gives me a a dummy clip she bought off of the internet and I thank her for it although she bought it knowing I'd dislike it ("you'd have disliked the other design more"), rather than let me buy one I'd like myself from a reputable shop. Again I thank her, despite hating the design on it but open to using it.

I then realise I read about safety warnings of these and look up the warnings. I also look at the instructions in the sealed packet and they are (incorrectly) for a dummy which states do not attach ribbon to it. The dummy clip itself is the clip with ribbon which would attach to the dummy with velcro. At this point I'm a bit about using it and I say to M baby items do need to be safe and checked first. I get IWBU when I comes to this, I should have taken it home, researched it, not said anything but just not used it.

M then loses it and says safety regs weren't that harsh nearly 30 years ago and I grew up fine, that I've always got to worry about everything and just need to chill out. This comes a week after she suggests putting a pillow in the cot for the baby's head. I then say I've had a difficult pregnancy which put baby at risk and don't want my child to be at risk once born. M then say that what the baby really needs is to no longer be inside me. I then say it was really horrible, she says "it's just a joke" and I tell her it isn't funny. She keeps saying sorry but not really apologising, more of a 'sorry if you're offended' and then a 'I said sorry, why won't you get over it' kind of way, iyswim.

I'm sick of her "jokes" which I usually say I don't find funny because they are at my expense. AIBU to feel this is extremely hurtful, not get the joke or accept the "apology"? I'm also not entirely sure how I'll ever get through to her the importance of child safety if she's ever to look after my dc.

Your mother is a cow. Try to ignore her nasty comments or, better still, try to see her rarely and never alone.

Regarding any issues about childcare etc reply with the same answer every time, 'I will check with the midwife/ HV.' Your M will claim to know best but you will say that you are following their advice and don't want to discuss it any more.

There could be a lot more of this so try to learn to deal with her and her ways. It makes her sound very selfish and insecure.

Your mother is being stupid
Things have moved on since she had a baby
Do things your way

That's a horrible thing for her to say.

I'd probably have thought (and maybe said, although it's not advisable) 'No, what my baby needs is to not be around people who put it at risk ie you'.

I do try to think first and speak second, honest.

Could it have been a bit of a misunderstanding about the better off out of you comment.... if its been a difficult pregnancy putting baby at risk, it could be shes thinking once baby is out its safer as there can be medical help should baby need it... But to say its just a joke...I dont know. She should have explained the reasoning and apologised properly.

Stand firm on your views and what you want your baby to have.
Pillows are not recommended for under 12 months (when mine were born anyway....it could have changed)
dummy clips aren't recommended as they can choke a baby.... but you can always use it to connect a toy to the pram?

Explain that just because you survived, hundreds or babies didn't hence why safety regulations have changed over the years. Heck my nan was telling me she was told to wean her children (50 yrs ago) at like 8 weeks or something silly.... we wouldn't do that now would we!!

Personally I hate this ridiculous "you were fine!" Shit. Okay then, so should we not use seatbelts just because they didn't have them at one point and people survived? How about smoking? Would your mum be okay with allowing someone to hold the baby whilst puffing on a fag? Drinking? Would she think nothing of you turning up at hers plastered whilst pregnant? Of course not. No one with any sense would think it okay yet it was totally acceptable years ago.

I'm with you on the dummy clip thing. I never used any handmade ones people gave us. Real, official ones have been rigorously safety tested. Handmade personalised craft ones are usually chokable beads on a ribbon that may or may not hold together. Not worth the risk.

I'm not an overly cautious mum. (We have a 5 second rule for food ) and I don't follow every single new rule but common sense is used when it comes to safety. If your mum is unwilling to follow your safety rules when it comes to YOUR baby then she doesn't babysit. Simple. It's not a big issue and granny babysitting is not a necessity.

My mother is like this. She's a narcissist. And horrible to me. Perhaps your mother is nice to you a lot of the time and not a narcissist, idk. My mother is also obsessed with stupid health and safety comments. The best thing to do is to thank her, take it home and say nothing and not use it. The worst thing you can do is challenge or criticise. Make her believe what she's done is wonderful.

Interesting about her take on pillows for the cot. 30 to 40 years ago the given advice was not to use them for young babies!

YANBU. By 'joke' she probably meant 'I lashed out and was being spiteful but I didn't really seriously mean I want my grandchild to be born prematurely'.

I wouldn't let her babysit while the child is very small. She obviously isn't interested in learning about current safety guidelines and if you try and tell her stuff she'll just get defensive when you are there, and do what she wants when you aren't.

who cares? you're having a baby! concentrate on that, instead of having Eastenders style savage blow ups with family members. She is your mother, if she has been like this always she is not going to change. i'm pregnant and find your waffling on about the safety features of dummies baffling and dull, so God knows what she thinks. You bring up your baby how you want, and she will fit around it. But there's no need to turn it into some "how very very dare you offend me, I am due the utmost highest respect from all beings at all times" game of who gets offended the most easily.

Wait till your mother gives you the cats bum face and choice words because the baby needs (breast)feeding when you're out somewhere and you refuse to feed your baby on you lap whilst driving home (as a passenger).

Look at it as an advance warning that she isn't to be trusted unsupervised with your baby.

In regards to her other comments:
Tell that in 1980 the infant death rate was 12 per 1000 and thanks to research and scientific developments it dropped to 3.6 in 2014.
That's why you are following the NHS guidelines. In 1980 some cars didn't have seat belts let alone air bags. Does that mean she thinks it's ok to travel without either of these in the car because it was fine before?

People who say "I was only joking" generally do so to make you look like the unreasonable one for objecting to their insults.

It's also the first go-to for racists, sexists and bigots everywhere.

My mum does it. I ask her to explain the joke and why it's so funny. Oddly, she can't.

"i'm pregnant and find your waffling on about the safety features of dummies baffling and dull"

Nice. You do know the OP is a real person, don't you?

KimmySchmidt1 it doesn't sound like a very Kimmy thing to say. Are you back in the bunker?

Kimmy, Now go crawl back under the rock you came from.

Dragon, she's gradually getting worse or maybe I'm just seeing it more now I don't live with her. I think with stuff she buys I should just bite my tongue and not say anything but she always says to let her know so she's not wasting her money so I'm not sure I can really win.

Twerkel, she said something quite racist recently and guised it as a joke, even something similar to the 'it's OK, I have black friends' line when a black family member said it was wrong. Refused to accept it wasn't something that could be a joke because her partner also found it funny. Also couldn't tell me why it was a funny joke in that circumstance either.

Thing is she did smoke during her pregnancy, ThouShallNotPass, and has told me it'd be fine for me to drink during mine if I wanted to.

I'm not sure what else to say to her, I want to resolve it for the sake of a quiet life but I've got nothing to apologise for. I text her saying I appreciated her buying things but her "joke" was hurtful and she's just ignored it.

She's ignoring you and hoping you'll just leave it and will never allude to it again, except obliquely, in future PA digs about you being OTT about safety (I might be projecting here!).

I don't think there's anything else you can do now, but just be ready to call her on her hilarious jokes in the future.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, and enjoy your new baby (within the correct safety parameters, of course).

Firstly, her comment was horrible and inexcusable.

You need to teach your mum about survivor's bias. The whole 'in my day we had X and I turned out fine' is rubbish, because those who didn't turn out fine are not here to share their side of the story.

As for her 'suggestions', I think you need to start treating M's comments and gifts like water off a duck's back. Let her say/ give/ do things she wants and just don't engage with it. Also, just because a gift is given doesn't mean you have to use it. As for the dummy, you could have just said thanks and put it in a drawer never to be used again. You don't HAVE to tell her that everything needs to be safety checked etc.

For the pillow suggestion just say something non-committal ('ok, that's something to think about') and move on (and ignore her advice). She is being a cow, but you don't have to engage with everything.

You don't need to fight/ comment on every suggestion she gives you even when she is wrong- just ignore her and do what you want.

She's got low standards, in terms of babies, but that isn't unusual. My DPs couldn't understand why I was careful about raw egg, and said they felt sorry for my kids not having a dippy egg. This was at height of salmonella in eggs thing...

Re the comment, I'd have heard it as a genuine 'come on we've been waiting ages for this baby' kind of thing. A light hearted comment about how long the wait feels. I think you might be a bit tense because you are due.

Twerkel, that sounds about right!

I really wish that's how it was said, Popcorn, but she would have already told me I'd taken it the wrong way and that I blow everything out of proportion if that were the case. She also wouldn't have said it were a joke.

I do have to work on biting my tongue, I have realised that. Although about the pillow I mentioned it isn't recommended anymore and moved on swiftly without any argument.

I'll wait for it to blow over I guess.

My DS is 30 and pillows were not recommended then. Safety guidance has changed for the better- your DM should follow your lead on this. Hope all goes well for you.

YABU to post in AIBU then blow up at someone who thinks YWBU.

Do you think she was joking or deliberately trying to hurt you?

Why can't we have Ribbons? I'm not being obtuse but we are having a major trend for dummy clips with Ribbons in my town and I'm wondering if I should warn people.

People need to remember they're responding to someone who is asking for advice, despite the number of trolls on MN these days. Perfectly happy to be told I'm wrong but the delivery wasn't necessary, ThePants999. The post would have been sufficient and point taken without, "i'm pregnant and find your waffling on about the safety features of dummies baffling and dull". Although, the comparison to eastenders was an offence in itself (I joke.)

Not necessarily deliberate, she just couldn't stop herself from saying something horrible without considering the impact because I think she became quite frustrated at the conversation. DH (who was there) thinks it's because she put effort in and felt it was unappreciated, not premeditated but still horrible.

I'd like to say I was in a huff over this and this only, it's just her comments have got worse over time and she sees nothing wrong with name calling if we get into a disagreement. I let it blow over but often do not get an apology, not even an insincere one. I'll do the same here but distance and letting things go over my head is probably needed.