Aibu to feel so rubbish

[Sadandjustsad]

Bit of a long one, sorry,
Been with partner 12years married in march this year, i have problems with low self esteem and since i had ds 3 years ago, have used food as a crutch and gained 3 st,
My dh has always professed to loving me finsing me sexy blah blah, but i said to him many times actions speak louder than words, he wont kiss me, no foreplay, sex always, well for a long time seemed to me very one sided, in his favour! Quick bj n sex, every 2/3 weeks, if i tried it on id get knocked back continuously, so obviously feel very used 😢
The last month or so tho, he has been off with me, not talking much like we used to, not listening if i talk, not coming near me, told him id made a collage of horrible pics of myself to remind me how disguting i am and got like a half smile, nothing else, makes me sad, but i also have the ability to overthink things so try not to think to much into it, i mean he loves me unconditionally, right?
The aibu bit is, on saturday i said to him, you dont like me this fat do you, and he said no.
So aibu to like utter crap, 1 because hes lied, telling me he does like me, when in fact he doesnt, 2 that all the crap in my head isnt my imagination like hed have me believe, i should really trust my intuition, 3,that i feel utterly stupid ever thinking of course he find me attractive, yes im over weight but im still me, of course he wants me, when realistically he doesnt,
I feel so bad, please can someone make me feel better tell me im over thinking all thos and get over myself, thanks,
Ps sorry for such a long post

You actually made a collage and said that? I dont know how you expect anyone to react to that..

You need some sort of professional help i reckon

You don't need to be told to get over yourself at all

For a start, chuck that photo thing in the bin. Then address your self esteem issues... its not really your partners job to be your self esteem (although it helps if they can be supportive) and I think if you work on that by yourself you'll find you don't actually need him to tell you anything at all.

You deserve a happy fulfilling life but it has to start with you.

for you, and no, honestly, you don't need professional help - what an awful thing to say - you need a supportive partner.

Could it be that your 'horrible pics' are not really that, but rather you are looking for all and any perceived - by you - faults that you may see in them in order that your self perception (and his opinion) is validated?

So, don't bother asking his opinion again and concentrate on what you think about yourself and how you can begin to make positive changes.

Start and be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to some flowers, a walk in the park. Say a bright and breezy 'hello' to people when out walking. Buy yourself some new clothes. Now, if you can.
See the joy in the small things.....bird song, children laughing. It may sound twee, but it works.

If you are feeling used sex wise, then just say no, it's not compulsory.

Write a list of things that you DO like about yourself and focus on those to begin with.

Then, when you're in agreement with those, write down anything you would like to change. And when you feel ready, pick one and start. Could be next week or next year. It's your body, your feelings that matter.

Don't ask anyone's opinion in all this, it's what you think that counts.

Small positive steps.

FWIW - I put 4 stone on due to illness, and my partner was nothing but supportive. When I changed my diet he did too and ate the same as me. We started walking together and after a few months I'd lost 3 stone, and him 2 stone.....and not an unkind word by him was ever spoken, because that's how it should be.

How long has he been like this, re the sex etc? He IS just using you for sex if he doesn't make an effort for you.
I wonder why you married him without sorting this out first?
First of all, you are NOT disgusting! You are overweight but that doesn't make you disgusting.
Stop putting yourself down and start looking at how you can boost your self esteem. There are plenty of books that could help but you do need to talk to your DH about how you feel and let him know that you need his support.

I don't honestly know what you expected him (or anyone) to say about the collage. And it sounds like he's answered you many times positively that he loves you how you are but you don't believe him and keep pushing so at some point he'll say something else. I don't know if he minds your size or not but you clearly do and until you come to terms with it or change it then anything he does isn't going to be right. Please bin that vile collage and put your energy into more positive steps to address your issues whether it's counselling, exercise or anything that makes you love yourself a little more.

I feel you're being unreasonable, if he had said to you "I'm finding you unattractive now you have gained one stone" it would have been easier to shift the weight, but he didn't, because he loves you.
Can you do something about your weight, join a gym or slimming club or start walking for an hour each day? Would you have a better opinion of yourself if you was 3stone lighter? Or is your weight just an excuse. To be absolutely brutal, and I don't mean to sound cruel, but I'd be fed up of listening to someone moaning about how unattractive they felt if they didn't do anything to try and get back to a healthy weight too.

I wouldn't care what size my boyfriend was. But I would find it difficult to find him attractive if he hated himself, was deliberately torturing himself by making collages of photos and expected me not to be freaked out by that. Your partner told you he was fine with your weight and you wouldn't accept his answer and kept mentioning it until he eventually said he didn't like it. Maybe he did lie, but presumably he did that to avoid upsetting you - and now that he's given you the answer you apparently kept asking for, you're upset by it.

Your issue isn't your weight, it's your self-esteem. I am sympathetic: I have also put on a lot of weight and I hate it. I honestly don't know what my partner thinks of it, but I do know that he'd find it upsetting and uncomfortable if I constantly said "I'm fat aren't I? You don't fancy me do you? Look at this collage of me looking fat. Do I look fat now?" until I wore him down into saying yes.

Have you tried to lose weight? If you have tried, has he been encouraging or supportive? I'm certainly not saying your partner isn't partly at fault here as I'm sure he could handled it better, but I think you need to take a bit of control over your self-image rather than investing all your self-esteem in what he thinks of you. It would be great if you could lose some weight but you need to do it for yourself and address your insecurities. Some counselling might help.