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not to leave my children with a friend to attend my nieces Christening?

22 replies

LowFatMilkshake · 24/03/2007 20:20

A while ago I posted abut my DN's(6mnth) Christening which has been bought forward because she has to undergo surgery for a potentially cancerous tumour.

We finally have a date of next Sunday and DD(3) has got chicken pox. She has had 1 spot since Tuesday, which was scabbing over nicely this afternoon. But at teatime tonight they were all over has tummy and neck and some on her back. If they scab over great - but DS(3mnth) could be incubating them as well, and we would'nt know. And the last thing we want to do is give it to DN which would postpone her operation which could be anytime in the next 4-6 weeks.

SIL understands why we wont be there, and I think is releived that we are not coming because of the risk of passing on to DN but has asked if she can still list me and DH as God Parents, which we have said yes please.

MIL has been dropping major hints that we should leave DC's with a friend who's already had chicken pox and drive the two hours to the Christening and back to give support.

I have a real problem about being seperated from my family over long distance as and time -which stems back to my childhood and loosing so many close family member for various reasons.

And the thought of leaving my children with even one of my best freinds for a whole day fills me with dread. What if we had an accident and never saw them again. I know it's extreme but MIL doesnt seem to understand! Plus if my children are unwell surely to have mummy and daddy leave them for a whole day is unfair on them!

OP posts:

HEIFER · 24/03/2007 20:27

You don't have to be at the service to be God Parents, one of ours wasn't (he is a vicar at another church)...

I think you are right to stay with your children if they are ill...

Ignore MIL, you have to do what you feel is right..

But I will add that you do need to look at your issues about leaving them if they are well.. You will need time out at some point... Maybe worth talking to someone about your fears re leaving them...


compo · 24/03/2007 20:28

agree with everything Hiefier said


paros · 24/03/2007 20:28

Mil seems to have the problem not SIL so dont go and stay at home . Dont feel guilty . Family come first .


Gess · 24/03/2007 20:30

Might be tricky to find someone willing to take chickenpoxy children anyway. If your SIL understands I wouldn;t worry about MIL.

Agree with previous poster that in general you do need to try and do something about the general fear of leaving them anywhere though. a) in case of emergencies- you may have to dash off for a currently uforseen reason- and your phobia would make it harder and b) for them- it;s fine while they're little, but would be very restictive as they grew up.


DeviousDaffodil · 24/03/2007 20:30

SIL sounds sensible about it all, and it is her daughters christening.
MIL should keep her gob shut.
Hope DN's op is a success, God bless her.


Gess · 24/03/2007 20:31

Another option- Could dh go by himself? dh went to his nephews christening by himself because for various reasons our children couldn't go.


PeachyClair · 24/03/2007 20:33

Hmm, an awkward one. At first I thought it was going to be- am I extreme not to go with the kids, and I was going to post no- far better for the DN (poor soul). But then I thought- what if dn is seriously ill? wouldn't it be nice to have that memory?

I also wonder if your brother and siser in law could do with the support? its going to be one hell of a day for them!

I'm not criticising you- its your call- but all the worries you have for your children are based in panic perhaps, (is it a ong shot to ask if you had pnd?), whilst those for dn are very scary right now!


SenoraPostrophe · 24/03/2007 20:34

heifer is right, but IF you're pretty sure they weren't both exposed to the pox at the same time, then I'm pretty sure your ds won't be contagious for at least a week and a half, and your dd should be non-contagious next sunday too (the new rule is 5 days after first spot, not when they've all scabbed over). so you could go.

hang on, I'll check those contagious dates


LowFatMilkshake · 24/03/2007 20:36

Thanks everyone.

I have seen a cousellor for my problem, which I need to work on. I do take small steps, and know there are occassions when I have no choice such as when I was in hosptial recently with DS, DD had to spend entire days with friends. But I am always worried.

DH talks about taking DD to see his team play footie (their ground is halfway upthe other end of the country) and I despair as I am so worried the car will crash and I will be without them.

But with regards to the Christening I have promised SIL we will go and see them as soon as we are all clear of CP.

OP posts:

LowFatMilkshake · 24/03/2007 20:40

PC - This is an ongoing problem for me so PND, although I understand your line of thought.

SIL is not DH's sister. She has a really big family and they are really close, if we went I am not sure we would even talk much to them. I think it would be nicer and more personal to see them afterwards.

OP posts:

PeachyClair · 24/03/2007 20:49

Thats fair enough- the facts of the situtaion became a lot lcearer after you embellished on the fears: its a lot mroe of a strain for you than your forst post identified and as such (and with some agoraphobia myself, so I know 'the fear' if defferently applied) I can see where you are coming from.


Judy1234 · 24/03/2007 21:42

Why can't your husband or you stay with the children and the other one go? We missed a nice family gathering last Easter as my 2 had chicken pox and my brother didn't want his baby and toddler to get it. I thought it was a grat opportunity for them deliberately to catch it but that was his decision so I met him and he left his children and wife behind.


choosyfloosy · 24/03/2007 21:53

3 yrs and 3 months? TBH i try my very hardest not to leave ds (3.2) with a friend as well, although it has happened twice due to impossible crunches with all my paid childcare and backup layers AWL at the same time. I was not happy about it, although obv extremely grateful to the friends.

Babysitting when they are asleep is different; paid childcare is different; grandparents are different.

Chickenpox is supposed to be the most infectious disease of the lot, isn't it? If you need any backup, go and talk to your GP and get a ruling on this. I'd be amazed if he/she didn't agree it was better safe than sorry - how on earth would you be being supportive if you went along and the infection was passed on??


glassslipper · 24/03/2007 21:56

hi milkshake - you're being reasonable. we all want to be with our kids when they are ill anyway. and your sil understands too.

perhaps dh could go on his own?


bozza · 24/03/2007 22:02

I don't entirely see why it takes both you and DH to look after poxy children TBH. When my two had it one after the other aged 3 (DS) and 5 months (DD) so pretty similar to your scenario I was able to look after them on my own while DH was at work. And poor little DD had a really bad case. My nephew was born at the time and we had to visit him in relays. Or are you saying it is because of your phobia that this isn't an option? Could you all go and be in the area (MILs perhaps?) but any poxy children and one parent keep clear! Although you say it would be nicer and more personal to see them after, that sounds more like it is about you than them. Although they are being understanding surely it would be nicer for them to have the daughter's godparents (or as many as feasible) actually present and making the commitment?


LilyLoo · 24/03/2007 22:06

Completely agree about not taking yours. Don't want anything to come in way of the operation. However think it would be nice if DH went on behalf of you if only for the service.


3easterbunniesandnomore · 24/03/2007 22:11

Obviously don't take your Kids, there, however, if you are prepared to be godparents for a child that may possible die, seeing that you say the child has a cancerous tumour, should you not make every possible effort to be there...your kids have chickenpox,or possible chickenpox thie other kid has a cancerous tumour...and could die in surgery or in chemotherapy, aswell as live a healthy life after....being a godparent should mean something to you, otherwise you shouldn't be one!


LowFatMilkshake · 25/03/2007 11:29

3EB - we did'nt actually know we were Godparents until I phoned my SIL to say about the CP. I think she assumed we would be because we are to her older daughter. So I do feel bad but was not aware of her plans.

OP posts:

3easterbunniesandnomore · 25/03/2007 11:37

LFM, how odd she never actually asked you to be godparents, beforehand....and to just assume...that is a bit different then.


Clarinet60 · 25/03/2007 11:59

DS2 and me were in hospital 2 years ago when DS1 happened to have chicken pox at home. We were in an isolation ward - I wasn't even allowed to go into the toy room and bring something out for him in case I was carrying it, and ds2 himself didn't even have it - it was his brother at home. So if you don't want to go, you could present your SIL with that scenario, from the viewpoint of protecting the child with the tumour.


mears · 25/03/2007 12:05

I would agree that DH could go as long as he has had chickenpox himself when he was younger. You should keep the children away.


Elasticwoman · 25/03/2007 18:00

I entirely sympathise with your desire not to be separated from your children for a whole day by leaving them with friends (children are v. little, right?) Not sure you need therapy for that, as your feelings may well change as they get older and you get used to their being away all day at school.

The point is that whatever MIL wants you to do, it is your decision. She may make suggestions but you have the final say so and don't need permission from her. Is your dh supportive?

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