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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say to friend don't want to lift share anymore?

28 replies

silver1977 · 13/07/2017 09:49

Sorry bit of a long story! I feel awkward because my friend and I have lift shared this past year, when our eldest started secondary school. The girls have been getting on less and less and drifting apart slightly, which is fine, they have their own other friends, however the last few weeks my dd has been getting increasingly upset by this other girls behaviour, she is shouting at dd infront of others and embarrassing her, saying things behind her back etc my dd has no idea what she has done wrong.

Yesterday when I picked dd up from school she got in the car and burst into tears. She was pulled to one side by her tutor who had a go at her for upsetting this other girl and threatened with a detention if she doesn't apologise! This made her late for her dance rehearsals and she got told off there too.

Now I know there are 2 sides and all that, but am I wrong in thinking her tutor handled this wrong? She didn't bother to first find out my dd side of things, she shouted at her in front of a few other mutual friends as well. Now my dd thinks her tutor, who will be her tutor all through secondary and is meant to be there for support, doesn't like her. She apologised to this other girl even though she doesn't feel she has done anything wrong and the girl walked off and ignored her! She feels she is owed an apology for all the shouting this girl has done to her lately but hasn't received one in return.

I feel awkward because this is my friends dd and we see them as part of a larger group socially. DD doesn't want to travel to school with her anymore, which I completely understand as I have witnessed her ignore her etc, but how do I tell my friend without causing any upset?! I want to speak to her tutor as I felt so sorry for her yesterday, it sounded all very one-sided. I know what girls can be like and I'm sure the tutor doesn't want to deal with it, but that is part of their job surely.

I really don't want to discuss their argument with my friend as I've seen what happens to others friendships when this happens! It is between the girls, so any ideas on excuses I can come up with? Thanks

OP posts:

anditwasallgoingsowell · 13/07/2017 09:57

To save it turning into a bigger drama, I think I would tell dd that she needs to just see it through to the end of term, but then that will be the end of it. Then in the holidays send a message to the other mum to say that although it was great this first year you now, things have recently changed and you now have other commitments (make anything up that's believable!) and that you would rather just both do your own thing from September it's not going to work for you anymore.

hmcAsWas · 13/07/2017 10:04

I would certainly speak to the tutor to make sure that she is aware that there are two sides to every story. She may also share her own observations with you.

Re the lift share - I agree with anditwasallgoingsowell - see it through to the end of term (next week presumably?) and change the travel arrangements for September

Original poster

silver1977 · 13/07/2017 10:09

Thanks, yes will use September as a change to the arrangements. Just need to think of what I can say that's believable! As we're friends she knows my work days/times etc....I'll have a think. I have left a message for the tutor to phone me. I hate confrontation though and am not looking forward to trying to put my point across, just feel so upset for dd though.

Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

MJDinner · 13/07/2017 10:11

You'll find a way "how do I tell my friend without causing any upset"

Your daughter's needs must come first!

I'm sure you'll find a way to sort it (tbh in this case I'd just be gently honest, not make up an excuse that the other woman might try to work around or pressure you on).

You know:

"The girls aren't as close as they once were, and I have other commitments now, so as of (Monday 1st, end of term, a week from today, whatever) we won't be lift sharing after that."

Stand firm, no excuses, no sorry.
Your daughter's needs must come before your embarrassment at potentially damaging a friendship (and if it does, she's not much of a friend!!)

MJDinner · 13/07/2017 10:12

You shouldn't need to lie about it or come up with something believeable...

Your daughter drifting apart or even not getting n is a perfectly valid reason.
Why don't you think it's valid?

Original poster

silver1977 · 13/07/2017 10:15

Yes MJDinner you're right, dd's needs come first and I intend to try and do right by her feelings, not mine. I always felt a bit unsupported by my dm when I went through friends problems at school. Thanks,

OP posts:

HipsterHunter · 13/07/2017 10:16

Oh god just stop the lift sharing ASAP.

"Hi friend, the girls are going through a bit of a tough time at the moment and I think its best if we stop the lift sharing to give them a bit of space. From next week lest just make our own arrangements eh? Looking forward to seeing you at [Phil's BBQ]. xx"

KimmySchmidt1 · 13/07/2017 10:18

I think you should put your daughter before your friendship, but be a grown up about it and just say that it seems the girls aren't getting on as well at the moment so let's pause the lift share and come back to I think if they. change their minds.

You can distance yourself from it without taking the other girl's side and forcing you daughter into a situation She hates.

fannydaggerz · 13/07/2017 10:29

I wouldn't wait until September.

I would tell your friend today that the girls haven't been getting along and the tutor has noticed so you will not be getting/giving a lift in the morning anymore to stop any further upset.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 13/07/2017 10:39

What hipster said is good. I wouldn't go with making something up or keeping it too vague as she may press you for a reason or explanation, especially if she is keen to keep the lift share going. I think honesty about giving them space because they are drifting apart is the way to go.

heymammy · 13/07/2017 10:45

What hipster said. There's nothing wrong with explaining that the girls have fallen out, it's not a personal attack on your friend it's just what often happens with teen friendships. If your friend presses for more details then I would absolutely let her know that her dd has been unkind to yours and that you've witnessed some of it. The silver lining might be that she has a word with her dd and it puts an end to things.

FetchezLaVache · 13/07/2017 10:48

Hipster's approach is spot on.

rainbowpie · 13/07/2017 10:49

I'd stop the lifts right now. Put your DD first. Just tell your friend they aren't getting on at the moment and you don't intend to liftshare anymore.

juneau · 13/07/2017 10:49

Since you and this woman are friends I think I'd be honest and say that your DDs just aren't getting on any more. It's a shame, but just because parents are friends and/or an arrangement is convenient, it doesn't mean that the DC will get on. It's better than making up some rubbish that this DM may well see through as, presumably, she's hearing her DD's side of the drama!

rainbowpie · 13/07/2017 10:49

Yes, what hipster said.

EJREsMum · 13/07/2017 10:56

I would just tell my friend that her daughters being a cow. But that's probably why I have no friends.

Good luck

keeplooking · 13/07/2017 11:10

Is there any way that your dd could go to school under her own steam - walk/bus - even just for a while, to break the pattern of lift shares? That would be the perfect excuse "dd wants to be a bit more independent". (Not saying she isn't already, just a good excuse!). Maybe you live too far away, though?

littlebrownbag · 13/07/2017 11:15

The classic "it doesn't work for us any more" is fine in this situation. I'd stop the lifts now if your DD can still get to school ok.

BattleaxeGalactica · 13/07/2017 11:20

Stop the lift share asap. It probably doesn't really matter how because realistically I think this friendship is on course for a battering anyway given the way the other girl is behaving to your dd.

WowWowDouble · 13/07/2017 11:35

I'd wait until next September - it may be that the girls start getting along ok by then. I find kids are often tetchy at the end of the year. They are tired and fed up of school. I'd see how they are in the autumn and play it by ear.

There is nothing wrong with mentioning that you are having doubts about the car share because the girls are getting on each other's nerves. Surely no one can be offended by that.

MJDinner · 13/07/2017 12:08

Wowwowdouble sorry but I disagree fully.

Why should OP's daughter's needs come secondary here? Mentioning the issue like you suggested will just be confusing and doesn't set clear boundaries - what would the conversation achieve?

WowWowDouble · 13/07/2017 13:26

I think approaching it a little less confrontational might mean that the two Mums don't end up starting world war three over something that 'might' have blow over by the autumn term.

I think it's tricky to tell another parent that their kid is to blame without it all blowing up and the problem with that is thst it could then lead to more long term problems for the OPs DD.

Obviously if it's unbareable for the OPs DD to car share for the last few days of term then I wouldn't do it.

Syc4moreTrees · 13/07/2017 14:08

hipster has nailed it. There's little chance that the friends mother doesn't already know they're on the outs

Therealslimshady1 · 13/07/2017 14:15

Keep it really light with the mother, now is a good point to break off for next year's start.

Just say or text:"this lift share has been a life saver, thanks, but starting September I think I'll do my own pick/ups, it's the only chance of 121 with DD" keep it really vague and amicable (but don't apologise and don't explain too much!) . If she argues/comes with reasons to get back to lift sharing, remain friendly but don't budge.

I have been in this situation, and this is what I did! Am still friendly with the mum.

With the tutor you can take a different approach!

buncakes · 13/07/2017 14:21

I agree with wowwow there's no need to rush into calling the lifts off. Give it a few weeks and see how things are. Then if she asks for a lift just say you didn't think the girls were getting on well and probably not for the best. Although she probably knows the situation to and I'd imagine she will just quietly make her own arrangements for next year.

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