To be unable to cope! Posting for traffic.

[coffeecoffeemorecoffee]

I'll try to keep this short. Me and my partner broke up 3 weeks ago after a very turbulent on off relationship of two years. We have an 11 month old together and I have a 3yo from previous relationship.

I was gutted but had started feeling stronger then had some issues re contact, he wants to take me to court, is telling anyone who will listen that I'm a liar and have brainwashed everyone into thinking he's a bad person. I've been used for a long time and can see now that he didn't love me like I did him.

Now to the main point. I'm just not coping, not coping with the kids, my responsibilities. I don't want to do it anymore. When we were together I found it hard going from one to two but had him to lean on for limited support. I am broken. Barely holding it together. I spend the days waiting for the kids bed time. I have nice moments with them but on the most part just feel like I don't want it anymore. I just feel like I don't want to be a mum anymore. With my first I never felt any of this but right now I just want to turn my back on it all. I'm tired, resentful, finding life very very hard at the minute and I just can't see past it. Friends and family don't understand. They tell me I'm strong, I'm a great mum etc the inner me is laughing thinking are you joking? Everything is a struggle. I went to the doctor about two months ago to query PND she basically told me she'd refer me to a talking service and made no mention of PND. It's getting worse, it's getting harder. I'm at the point I just want to give them to their dads and that makes me so so upset because I love them so much I'm just not coping. I hate my life at the minute I really do.

I just need someone to help me, to tell me what to do. I just feel so hugely overwhelmed and I'm at breaking point

I absolutely do care about them. Love them both more than anything, I just want to be able to enjoy them more and not find it all so very overwhelming

Why are you reluctant to go on medication? There is no shame in it I promise. Antidepressant changed my life. I can name five other people I know who take them.

Breakups with kids involved are so hard. What helped me was hanging out with other mums, especially single parents (oh and their kids!). Actually I was pleased about the breakup (I instigated it) but it was very stressful as he was abusive.
It's so hard being on your own with a baby, is there anywhere you can meet other parents? We are social animals, not designed to bring up babies alone.
Also ADs, as others have said.

Well I've read they make things worse before they get better, I honestly can't imagine what it'll be like if I feel any worse than I do now. Also, the side effect of weight gain. I'm working hard to lose my baby weight in an effort to feel happier about myself, I don't want to gain everything I've lost

It is very difficult as a single parent. All the supportive "you're a great mum" etc comments are easy to translate as "I am not going to offer any help" which you can understand, but when you're in desperate need of a break it's a crushing disapointment from those you thought of as your support network.
I learned to prepare for 99% of nos but to ask specific things (and plan pay off favours in return).
They ALL threaten court and live in a fantasy land where everyone will tut and feel bad for the poor hard done by parent who can't be arsed to focus on the children. Plough on with legals with no reference to anything but the facts. It's difficult, but you will get there.

You can do this. You've been Through the worse. You've been worse and got through. Be strong. Keep doing what you are doing. Days will turn into weeks. One day you might wake up and think "given the choice I would CHOOSE him exact life I have". Be strong and advice my mum gave me in similar situation "talk to someone everyday"

My brilliant perinatal psychiatrist said not being able to enjoy things was the most central symptom of depression.
It sounds like you need something to help you get going on the self-care you need to make your circumstances easier.
I would talk to my health visitor if you have a good one. She should be able to recommend practical support (Homestart, strategies to help get more attention to 3yo, all sorts), and if you can go to the GP saying the HV is concerned about you, you'll get taken more seriously.
It will get better - your circumstances sound awful, you poor thing, but you will be much better able to cope when you're not burdened by depression too.

I know that once the baby is older I will find it much much easier. I'm almost wishing the days away to when she's the one who's 3 and current 3yo is 5/6. I find my 3yo fairly easy so imagine that when they're both a year or two older I'll find it much more enjoyable.

It's so hard, especially when I know he's a completely useless arse but pretends to everyone that I'm the one being a bad person. Telling people I won't let him see her (lies) then going on to block me on fb AFTER sending me a letter in the post where he very kindly has given me 14 days to respond before pursuing legal action. If he actually wanted to be in her life he would have done more by now. It's been two weeks. He's left us for an easy ride. I hate him for it, but miss him at the same time. So many conflicting emotions running through my head. When the kids seem difficult I get so frustrated that he's left me to this on my own

Maybe try and get you mum to have the children next weekend or when a few well suited nights. see if you can get support regularly say once or twice a month. Explain that because your ex isn't involved at the moment you need support with the children & a chance to get things together to catch up on housework , cooking & rest. (Im a single parent & find i need time to catch up on those things when my daughter is out as she is very interactive with me) .
If not your mum, someone else you trust, don't worry if they're not going to stick to routines, as long as your children are safe, happy & well fed with them go for getting a break -ASAP.
You could also try taking the children to baby groups if you can, (maybe you do already?) libraries often do free sing songs & it does give you a break from the house & the children are entertained so you get a mini break. Don't feel pressured to socialise, look your best etc, it can be hard getting out the house with babies sometimes my daughter would be wearing a mix match outfit, finishing breakfast & we arrived late but hey we had a good time & benefitted better than staying home.
And persist with help from professionals, health visitors at baby weighing ( your 11month old will have a 1 year check soon so go to it & you could mention your issues there. ) The GP & just google if there are any local charity's that could help - MIND is really good for anxiety & depression.
And try & get your ex involved with the kids a bit more - when he calms down, he might be using anger to hide hurt but I don't know the ins & outs. If he is a good dad it could benefit you if he can share childcare abit more.
I guess I wrote a lot but you're in a good position because you are aware of how you feel, carry on being proactive before things get worse. Good Luck xx

I think we're all conditioned to believe having children is such a brilliant, wonderful, rewarding, amazing gift that makes us happy and fulfilled and complete.

And of course having children is all of those things. But for the majority of time parenting is plain hard work! The daily grind can be monotonous and repetitive and boring! And because you actually do love and want and cherish your children you then feel guilty for thinking those things because you're not enjoying them like you're supposed to which just makes you feel even worse!

And doing it with a loving, supportive partner is hard. On your own? I truly wonder how single parents do it.

I think working (if childcare and finances permit) is good.

Try and get out each morning to something that's free or cheap like children's centres or libraries who run messy play / story time / singing groups. Entertainment and socialisation for the children and a chance to speak to other adults.

Meet up with friends with small children if you can - share how you're feeling, they probably feel similar.

Good luck.

Oh and it definitely, 100% does get easier!

I have the 1yr review for the baby in a weeks time. Will the health visitor ask me how I am or not? Should I wait to see her or try and get into the doctors. I just feel that maybe a need a little helping hand at the minute to lift the fog so it's not so over bearing. Then in time things will be easier and I hopefully wouldn't need medication then. When life is just generally easier to cope with.

I will see if my mum will have the baby overnight every two weeks. She's going to buy a cot for her house so she can help me more. I'm writing a letter back to my ex offering a final chance to sort this amicably. If he wants to be difficult (likely) then he will still want to go to court. I'm guessing that's what he will want because then he can keep up the facade of doting dad not allowed to see his daughter when really it just gives him more time to be a single man with no responsibilities

TALK TO THE HEALTH VISITOR! It's her job to support you to be the best parent you can, so if she doesn't ask how you are, tell her.
If you can print off your first post, that might be easier than trying to say the words out loud, but make sure she knows you're struggling.

You are only 3 weeks after the shock of a break up. So are probably living in a cloud of self doubt at the minute. That should evaporate as time goes on.
Facebook is not your friend at the moment, I wouldn't think. It just makes me feel shit anytime I look at it anyway. When I am down it makes me feel isolated and that others have a great life and I don't.
You could try staying off Facebook for a week and see what happens.
Then you won't be seeing what others post etc. Facebook generates thoughts about what others think of us that we don't get normally.
If you are not reading it, it can't hurt you. The people who love you and care about know what sort of person you are.
An 11 month old can be very very hard work. When they are younger than that they are easier, and they sleep more. When they are older they can walk and can sit and play there on the floor themselves, they are more independent.
I remember at that age the only thing that got me through was a routine and like floor, high chair, baby seat, carry around, floor, baby seat, high chair, go for a walk feeling lonesome and shit, back home, high chair, then run out of 'places' to put her and pray for bedtime to come sooner. And if they are any way whinging or under the weather (which is all the time at that age!) they don't want to be left in the baby seat at all, they want to be carried around the place. So yeah, you love and adore her but she's a pain in the arse when she's cranky and nothing will please her.
In a few years you'll turn around and this whinging moaning red faced baby will be a beautiful girl who will be sitting chatting at the breakfast table with you on a lovely sunny morning.
This is just a tunnel you are in. There will be light at the end of it.

It sounds like you need a break from the baby, if you can't trust ex to look after her can your mum regularly commit to 1 day / week?

Are you getting maintainence from ex, what are you doing about money? Can you afford a day / week in nursery for baby? Now you're I single parent not in work I suspect your benefits entitlement has changed do that would be a good thing to investigate. (maybe someone on here can advise).

When it's just you and baby, go to toddler groups at churches, get out the house, you'll always feel better.

I'm not getting maintenance. I didn't put him on the birth certificate because of his behaviour during pregnancy, I wanted to prepare for something like this. He said he won't pay anything until he's on the BC. He knows she's his else he wouldn't be threatening legal action. He knows she needs a new pushchair as it's on it's last legs but won't cough up. So it's down to me

Thankyou all so much for your messages

Ring CMS. He doesn't have to be on the BC for them to take child support from him. I know this cause a friend of mine had a similar. She was OW and got pregnant and surprisingly he didn't leave his wife. He refused to be on the BC but CMS set up a Deduction from Earnings.

I am going to call CMS. You have to pay to set it up don't you? Will they make him give back pay?

This is what I'm dealing with at the minute. An arsehole who couldn't give a shit but pretends to and who's left me to do his share of the work.

They will only backdate payments from the day you call so call today.

I know how you feel. I have 3DDs. Eldest 2 have a fantastic Dad. Youngest is 17 months. Her Dad left when I was pregnant, wouldn't pay for anything nor talk to me, told vicious lies, saw her around 4 times then disappeared when she was 7 weeks old. CMS have struggled to get any money and are now taking him to court because he hasn't paid a penny. I hate that I've been left with all the responsibilities so I know exactly how you feel. PM me if you want. It's so hard not to be bitter and angry all the time.

That's great your Mum can have the youngest every fortnight. Help your mum find a cot & things she'll need If she is taking her time, people have the best intentions but sometimes it takes a while to get things going & sounds like the sooner the better for you. There are some reasonable priced cots around, eg Asda & travel cots can start from under £30. Ebay might be good too.
& the letter is a good idea & following up about maintenance with the agencies if you don't get much of a response from him.

Being a parent is a struggle!! I find it completely overwhelming at times, and I have family to support me. I think you need to see your GP and tell them how you're feeling, and hopefully they can refer you to a counsellor or enrol you in therapy. There WILL be a time when things look brighter.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this OP. Sounds like a horrible time for you.

Please speak to a different GP and tell them all the things you have written in your post. You should also refer yourself for talking therapy. I was not I. Your situation but similar and after having my son it tipped me over the edge into A bout of PND but I started on antidepressants and feel like my old self. This might be something you want to consider.

I'm sorry your ex is proving to be a total arsehole. I can't offer much advice there but there are lots of people who can/have.

Please just remember that you like you are feeling now are still the best mother for your children. You love them and they love and need you. You do this for them and for your future with them.