To be upset over not having children

[dailydance]

This is more of a rant than anything. My body is staring to prep for menopause I think. Im 38 and v sad that I put my career in front of meeting someone & having a family. All I wanted was to meet someone and have a couple of kids. I was pushed and pushed by my folks to study, get a career, spend all of my time working .... I am so cross that I didn't listen to what I wanted. I wouldn't mind so much if I worked at something of value like a doctor or a vet, but I work in IT; it's not a career that was even remotely worth sacrificing so much for. What the hell have I done?!?

Aw OP. Do you have a DP?

Medically, the official line is that you're in menopause if you haven't had a period for 12 months if you were regular previously.

Why not have your fertility looked at?

Your AMH score will indicate what your egg reserve is like, you can make a decision from there. Maybe look into getting some frozen....are you open to that idea?

You did nothing wrong. You did what was right at the time Use this ammunition now to be yourself xx

I think we always regret the things we didn't do, but that doesn't necessarily mean you'd have been happier if you'd made the other choice. I had children young, despite being pushed by family to study, and I've always been looked down on for not having a career. Of course we're influenced by our families, but I made the choices I did as an adult, and so did you. Deep down it was because there was something you valued more about the path you took, rather than the path you didn't take.

In any case, at your age it certainly isn't too late. Have you looked into the different options available to you.

I'm 38 and nowhere near menopause (was tested recently for IVF). To be honest YABU if you haven't been tested and have no evidence that you're peri-menopausal. Women can conceive naturally well into their forties nowadays (case in point in my workplace very senior female directors often only start marrying/having kids in their forties).

Have you had any tests done?

It's ok to have a rant but do you have any conclusive test results?

Are you sure it's the menopause this early? You can have a test to check.

I think at 38 loads of options are available op. Genuinely I think you need to cry then male a plan... Don't let this notion of having a career has stopped you having a chance at having family

Oh op 💐 have you been to the doctors to confirm it is menopause? Might not be too late as you may be able to freeze your eggs.
If you have been TTC please dicuss with your doctor to see what is going on.

Would you consider being a single dm? Many women use a sperm donor.
And many many women meet a lot of toads along their journey to a dh /dp and motherhood.
I met my dh at 41 and had ds at 43. .

See you Dr for a fertility check up. .
You aren't out yet op. .

It's not necessarily too late to do something about it. Understandable that you are upset.

I doubt you are anywhere close to menopause. I had my last child at your age and I didn't feel old. Most of the mothers around me had their children late 30s/early 40s - it is certainly easier to get pregnant younger but it isn't impossible in late 30s etc.

You could still meet someone. You could still have a child. My best friend met her husband at 40 and her her child at 41. You would need to prioritise it though - put as much effort into meeting someone as you previously put into work.

You could also have a child by yourself. you are young still with loads of choices ahead of you.

My periods are changing but I haven't had any tests done. I can't afford egg-freezing I'm afraid. I don't have a dp - still in the dating game. I think I need to have a good cry and can then work out what my options are. Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I've nobody else I can talk to about stuff like this

Op I completely understand how you feel, I'm in the exact same position as you but am only 36 with 4 failed IVF cycles behind me. Ive a low Ovarian reserve so even ivf has a low success rate for people in my position, I started 'trying' at 34 as I was always pushed to study and then get a good job. When I had these I was put under pressure to save for a deposit to buy a house. All sounds very reasonable and practical things to do before having a baby but now I find I can't and wasted TOO much time putting the necessary things in place. I feel overwhelmed with feelings of blaming myself and rage that I just didn't go with my gut and try allot sooner. I feel robbed. My fertility consultant (private) says the chances of conceiving naturally or with ivf for anyone over 40 is only about 5-10% so it doesn't happen to loads of people. Get yourself checked as soon as u can, u might be lucky and it will happen for you. Act now is my advise, don't look back with regrets.

Periods do change in the thirties but that doesn't mean your fertilty is impacted. Egg freezing doesn't tend to work for women over their early thirties, but the use of donor eggs works really well.

I think before you start declaring how angry you are you need to find out where you stand regarding your fertility.
Then there may be some tough decisions to make as far as how keen you are to have a child.
As for your age- of the 7 women I was friends with at school, 4 of them had their first child at 38 or older.
And three very close friends from uni have all fallen pregnant at 40 (two were unplanned)
Another friend used donor sperm and ivf at 39 to fall pregnant.
Yes, fertility does decline but most of the people I know with fertility issues had them at a younger age not as a result of being too old when they tried.
In fact I'm the only 'older' person I know who has had any fertility issues that may be down to age but I have other thoughts about the cause of my secondary infertility.
There's no point being upset until you know where you stand though so get to the doctors and find out.

Please don't give up hope if a child is what you want.
I'm 38 and have just had my first child. It might not be too late.

Good luck

I was single at 40 for similar reasons. Met someone at 41 and had first baby at 42. I remember feeling same way, but just kept thinking if it's meant to be it will be. Loads of women having babies after 40 now - you have every reason to be hopeful either with a partner or on your own.

YANBU. Don't let anyone minimise how tough it is, what you're facing. The trouble is, our culture doesn't really value women except as mothers or as fabulous world-breaking career women. It's tough to have to teach yourself that it doesn't matter what you do: YOU are enough.

Just repeat that: you are enough and valuable just for being you.

Check out gateway-women.com/ lots of support from women in similar situations.
I know how it feels, it's shit, especially when the whole world seems to having children but it honestly does get better even if you end up not having children.

PLEASE PLEASE don't give up on this if it's what you want. I know quite a few instances of people I know in real life who''ve naturally conceived in their Late 40s - even 50 in one case - realistically it sounds as if you've got likely several years ahead of you of potential childbearing. Just imagine a year from now you're pregnant! Start doing everything you can from today to make that happen!! Hope you get the result you want!! x

Even if you are going through menopause there will be the option to adopt. You don't have to wait for a man either. You can do it single.

My neighbour had her first child at 45 with ivf . Don't give up hope