To hate where I'm living now?

[Badbadbird]

This seems like such a small and silly thing, it's not something I can talk about really with people because I think they'd think I'm being silly and this is a non-issue. I should mention I have no DC.

My husband was recently offered a new job in the south of england. Previously we had lived in Scotland, where I was born and have lived all my life.

I'm finding it very hard to love the place we are now. I'm grateful to have a nice home, but every day I wish I would wake up and be back where we used to be.

I'm a pretty outdoorsy person, I used to love walks in the countryside, I especially love hillwalking and mountains. I find that the countryside is completely flat here. Odd I know but it really gets me down! Even things like the species of tree and wildlife, completely not what i'm used to.

I'm sure someone will say "but there are nice hills/mountains in XYZ!" I should say I don't drive and it isn't feasible to travel very far. I was used to these lovely things being right outside my door.

There is countryside here of course, but I find things are a lot more "fenced off." (In Scotland there is right of way, it's generally accepted you can go anywhere and do anything within reason.) There are no large swathes of wide open space, there are a lot more buildings (and a lot more people!) I was excited to find a nice woodland a short walk away and decided to visit, not only was it tiny but it was strictly fenced off with signs all over telling you not to deviate from the path. That just seems so alien to me. :(

I have never been interested in London, I don't like large cities, so being near London and being able to visit does nothing for me. In fact, the idea of such a huge concentration of people and buildings being close by intimidates me. The town we live in is very "industrial" commuter sort of town, there seems to be very little community here. I strongly suspect everyone gets up, commutes to london, comes home and stays in.

The people are different. The accents are different. I feel like I'm living in TV land! England is on the same island as Scotland but it feels very foreign! All my friends and family live in Scotland and so far I have made no connections here at all. :( It's actually made me quite anxious and I find myself not wanting to go outside. Pretty pathetic behaviour for me tbh and not what I'm usually like.

Like I said this is small potatoes compared to what a lot of people go through, I love my husband but I feel so miserable at the situation and powerless. :( If it were up to me I'd never be here. But I have no choice unless I leave him, and I value him over where I live any day.

Oh yeah and the water that comes out of the tap... I can only laugh about that. How do people put up with the chalky blue tinged water with white flakes? I fill the kettle with bottles of water!

Where exactly are you! I am South East, and I haven't got any blue water with flakes

You are not BU, it's very natural to be homesick. However you have a choice, either you feel sorry for yourself until you move back, or you learn to enjoy where you are. You will soon discover that there are good and bad everywhere.
Do you work?
Either way, you need to start a hobby, which is the best way to meet people and enjoy your time.

Can you learn to drive? If you could start taking lessons.

I lived in places with no "community" at all - total freedom for me, you don't know the neighbours so you can do and wear whatever you want without anyone noticing. Bliss. However, I had hobbies and made a very strong group of friends there.

London can be overwhelming, but the beauty is the amount of things to do in it. Whatever you interests, you should be able to find something there for you - nice restaurant, some shops, museums. Google is your friend!

It's too easy to become isolated, and the less you go out, the more anxious you are about it. I strongly advise you to force yourself to go swimming or shopping, on a photography course to explore your area (anything really) to keep things moving.

Good luck, I arrived in countries where I barely spoke a word, so I sympathise, but you can always make the most of it!

Sounds like a big transition for you, but agree that you need to find a hobby / work that you enjoy doing. There is a website called "meetup" that has lots of groups and you can search by area to find out whats going on around you.

Coddiwomple, thank you for your non-judgemental reply. :) I'm in Hertfordshire.

I am a freelancer atm which means I work from home (or post on mumsnet, why not.) In September I will be starting an MA at the local university.

I have tried to learn to drive in the past and was quite rubbish :P I may give it a go again, it is very expensive though.

I agree I need to get out more. Maybe I'll have a look at Tesco's activity board when I'm next there to see what clubs and groups are on.

OP you sound terribly isolated and depressed. Personal question but do you want children? Is there a reason you don't work as well? Just thinking of ways to be feel less isolated. You also sound very introvert which is why you probably miss your previous life so much. In terms of scenery and outdoorsy lifestyle nowhere compares to scotland so i understand what you mean. You need to integrate or have a frank conversation with your husband.

Oops just seen you do work ignore me! Also i wasnt saying have a child to be less bored! I can't quite phrase it right!! Hope you know what i mean. I used to live in Potters Bar and loathed it as its basically just a place for people to commute from so i know what you mean OP.

Captain, thank you for that brilliant website. As soon as I clicked on I saw a large group right where I am based and they say they like going on picnics!

Springy, I'm waiting to start uni in september, until then i'm just do the odd bit of client work from home. My DH is fantastic and lovely about it... tbh I try not to moan at him because I know how happy he is at work and how much he loves it here. I could never force him to move back north, it wouldn't be right.

ah NP springy! As for having DC neither me or DH think now is the time. We're too career focused for the time being :P I think Potter's Bar is between where I am now and London. I'm sure it must beat living IN london itself though, which I can only imagine is hell on earth!

OP, I'm sorry you sound so unhappy, but didn't you talk about this move and go and visit Hertfordshire and see what it was like before you committed to it? Surely the vast majority of these issues were foreseeable by you? I'm entirely of your way of thinking, and find flat landscapes and thickly-populated commuter-belt areas depressing, but I would never consider living in one of them. In fact I don't much like where we are currently living not hilly enough, and too far from the coast but there was a pragmatic reason for us moving here, and we're both clear it's a short-term stay, so in the meantime we're making the best of it, and appreciative of the fact that our five year old is happy here, and loving the village school.

I could never force him to move back north, it wouldn't be right.

Why not? Why is it 'right' for you to live somewhere you aren't happy?

I know you don't have children, but you could try to join your local facebook mums group. Hopefully they won't ask you about your kids, and there are usually a great mine of local info and activities bit like MN really.

Focuse on things you can do where you are, even if you have to explore a foreign country

Lone, you're right, we did all those things. I did say at the time I had my doubts, but DH's career is more important. I can't hold him back from what he wants to do. (I think this, he's never said it.) I felt if I wanted to stay together I really had no choice. So in a way I've made the decision and it's a bit unreasonable to moan now. I guess I'm venting! But it's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks these things are important haha.

I think when I visited I felt better about things, now I've been living here a while and reality has kind of sunk in a bit? I recently flew home to visit my friends and parents, I don't think that's helped.

Just wanted to say I totally understand where you are coming from op! We live in Wales, in a pretty isolated area in the middle of snowdonia and even though I wasn't born here I moved here as a student, and tbh I don't see myself ever settling in a city again! I love visiting big cities and experiencing the hustle and bustle and the opportunities they offer but after a few days I get terribly claustrophobic and the lack of open space stresses me out. I go out walking in the middle of nowhere almost on a daily basis and most of the time don't see a single other human being and that's how I like it I love being outdoors and experience nature, it's where I feel at home. I also totally share your love of the mountains, they are rough and imposing and just so beautiful. So I really really feel for you, I can imagine this is incredibly tough. I hope meeting new people and learning to love the different experiences your new home has to offer helps you settle in the long run

I did say at the time I had my doubts, but DH's career is more important. I can't hold him back from what he wants to do

You can, you know. Why is his career more important than your happiness/your career? DH and I both have the right of veto on where we live we left the ME because I hated it, even though it involved himquitting his job with nothing lined up back in the UK, and I gave up a big US scholarship because he didn't want to commit to spending our lives in the US, after we'd lived there for a while and got green cards coming to the UK was a compromise we were both happy with. We've also lived separately for work reasons for various periods of time before we had DS.

I wonder why you're so determined to think that your husband's job matters more than your job/life/desire to live somewhere you don't hate?

It sounds as if the area you've chosen may not be right for you. Is moving a possibility if you can't settle? Even if it is do make concerted efforts to meet new people,myo in in with things and make friends. We are friendly!

Where I am SW of London there are masses of nice places to walk quite nearby. Big commons and parks and woods. Maybe not just outside the door but very reachable.

Set yourself some small targets and consider learning to drive, it will help you explore your new environment.

If you leave all your friends and family behind, it's hard wherever you land. It doesn't help if you are home alone all day.
Things like zumba are a great moral booster, even if you are not a natural dancer, you just need to find the right class with non judgemental people.
I always found that charities and sports are the best way to meet people. You can always talk about your mutual hobby, so drinks or diners are never awkward. (and if it's a remotely competitive sport, you will only talk about it )

Just- seems I've found a kindred spirit! I'm happy for you, Wales seems beautiful (never been, maybe will get to soon.)

Lone - My DH earns more than me. He supports us. It may not be a popular opinion, but in my mind I believe that means he calls the shots. I could have put my foot down and demanded we stay in scotland, which would have been very out of character for me. I think if I'd gone at it hard enough he would have agreed, but that isn't the kind of relationship I want. If I'd done that, he wouldn't have gotten his dream position and he wouldn't have been happy. So either way, one of us was going to suffer.

Before I get piled on, I don't believe the same is true for everyone. Just because one partner earns more doesn't mean they they are the boss of everything. I felt this was true for us in our case.

Does your DH work where you live now or does he commute to somewhere else e.g. London. If he commutes then I wonder if you would prefer somewhere else in the SE. Maybe where you are doesn't suit you. Moving a bit further west towards the Chilterns might help.
(I am originally from Wales and it took a fair while to get used to the flat landscape especially when I used to live in Kent and to the hard water)

No desire to 'pile on', Bad, but by the sound of it, your own beliefs (o are they your DH's?) about the higher earner calling the shots are what dictated the fact that you are now living somewhere where you are unhappy. It just sounds counterproductive, as if you are defending your own decision to put yourself in a situation which makes you unhappy. You say you're studying next academic year -- will that improve your eventual salary to the point where you start getting a say in major decisions like where to live?

Honestly, I do sympathise, because I feel smothered where we currently live, and we've been here for almost five years -- but the difference is that it was a 100% joint decision, and we're moving on to somewhere within the next eighteen months to two years or so.

Chaz - He's about a 10 minute walk from where we're living :P Maybe in the future he'll be more open to living somewhere rural, I hope so!

Lone - I can't deny any of the first part of that. It wasn't really a decision though. I had two choices, one of us was going to be unhappy. I tried to be pragmatic and allow my DH to be happy and for us to have more financial security. I didn't really understand HOW different things would be.

I was quite optimistic about the move down initially, because I didn't know what I was leaving behind. Thinking purely pragmatically, I also felt held back in my own career due to the industry i'm in not being well represented in scotland. I felt moving down here could broaden my professional horizons - and to an extent it is, since i'm doing my Master's. So, in some ways, there are a lot more tangible benefits to being here. Assuming I am successful and become employed in the sector I am still unlikely to match DH's salary, but that isn't really the issue.

I hear you, Bad. I didn't anticipate how unhappy I would be here, either, in all honesty. I had only ever lived in Oxford and London in this country, and while I'd lived in very rural areas in other countries, I'd never lived in rural England or realised how insular and homogeneous parts of it could be in social terms -- and that's leaving aside the issue of landscape entirely.

How long have you lived in your new place?

2 months I think Lone. Feels longer! Thankfully that meetup website looks really promising. I might even be going for midweek drinks and a walk around a lake tonight!

You sound like you've been some interesting places, I'm only been to the US once on holiday, was "interesting" but I could never live there hah!

Hertfordshire- no wonder you're miserable OP. My ex husband was from there and I couldn't understand why he was so keen to move to where I was until I visited There are much more lovely and indeed hilly (though mere bumps compared to Scottish hilly) areas of England e.g. the Cotswolds (great for long hilly walks) that he could perhaps commute from.

Is you DH happy where you are? Have you talked to your DH about how you feel? Maybe work out what you can do to improve things or put a time limit e.g. lets try this for x amount of time if not happy revisit what to do.

Staying miserable is not an option!

Bits of Hertfordshire are lovely.

I can be walking in woods (with no fixed paths) in 1 minute. I live on top of a hill, which is so steep I can't cycle up it.

If you're further east than me, I do sympathise, mind you.

learning to drive and some new hobbies sound the way to go. What about a dog or an allotment? both are pretty outdoorsy and will get you in touch with others. Or a walking or running club? Do you like watersports? think of something outside which is a club and is something you'd like and will appeal to like minded people - ie a good way of meeting others. you sound bored and a bit lonely, which is understandable.....maybe its not the location so much