For asking you to share your post divorce happiness stories?
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 11/07/2017 21:23
I'm fairly sure this is the beginning of the end of my marragie. I have small DC. I am terrified of the further. DH will not be reasonable. There isn't much money to go round and I'm scared of being a poor single mother. Please share your stories of life getting good again.
user1487175389 · 11/07/2017 21:41
I'm a poor single mother. It's rough, I won't lie. Still a million times better than having to cope with living with a man who has nothing but contempt for me. I have remembered what it is to feel joyful, and not constantly anxious that he was coming home to abuse me. I still have a long way to go though. Good luck to you. You won't regret it - I haven't - not for a minute.
OfficerVanHalen · 11/07/2017 21:47
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StrongerThanIThought76 · 11/07/2017 21:59
Leaving my ex (and more importantly, uprooting my kids from their home, school and friends) was the hardest decision I've ever made. He dragged me through court 3 times, and I'm still repaying legal debts. I was broke, living in a hovel and utterly miserable at rock bottom.
But he was an abusive c*. 7 years after I moved out I have retrained, got a full time job and found my true vocation. The kids are happier than they could ever have been with a mother who was subject to emotional and financial abuse. We have had adventures beyond his wildest dreams (youth hostelling, French holiday on a shoestring), learned so much - resilience being the most important realisation - but also budgeting, dealing with our own crap, prioritising, only sweating the major stuff etc etc.
I only have to worry about myself and the kids now. Not him, not walking on eggshells all the time, not dreading his key in the door, not worrying about what ludicrous tale he'd invent next (apparently I was cheating/spending all my time out of the house/downloading child porn etc, driving myself mad with worry over stuff that I KNEW wasn't true but he was great at gaslighting).
He rarely sees the kids now, we don't communicate due to his abuse on the phone/texts.
So. Yes it's hard. But if I was still married I know it would be so much harder, and every day I'm reminded of how far I've come.
babybels · 11/07/2017 22:18
I think for me it was making my own decisions about small things that I loved and still enjoy without him complaining or trying to make out I'd made a bad choice. For example, lets go to the park it's a sunny evening, let's have some friends over etc
I felt hugely guilty for my decision not to go back to him ( he left me initially)
and especially as I knew the children found it very hard.
However, I wrote a list of all the things that drove me mad about him and consulted it now and again if I was feeling guilty. I also kept a diary of my achievements even very small ones.
Also, look after yourself and your mental health. And ask people for help if you need it whether it's small tasks you can't manage or piano lessons for a child. Parents or Grandparents might be able to help. And people like to feel useful. I've had to get better at this on my own with 3.
4 years on things are much better. I've met someone lovely and have no regrets about the divorce.
whirlycurly · 11/07/2017 22:46
My life is a lot better than it was in a miserable marriage but I've been quite lucky and also worked hard to keep things very amicable with xh (in not easy circumstances.) I'm also very fortunate that xh was a workaholic in a well paid job. He pays generous maintenance and I found a good job so financially we've never struggled.
I've kept my house, remortgaged into my name and it will be paid off in the next few years. I've totally redecorated and it is my calm space. We always intended to sell it but it's not happened yet.
The dcs are lovely and pretty well adjusted. I'm on good terms with all xh's family so regularly still spend time with them with and without the dcs.
I have a (not so) new dp. We don't live together for various practical reasons. One day we will. He is fab with the dcs and even gets on well with xh's family too, he's even meeting up with them without me this weekend for a gig (our situation is quite screwed up but in a good way )
Becoming a single parent was genuinely my worst nightmare 10 years ago but I promise it's really been ok, with a bit of planning and organisation life ticks along fairly easily. I have the odd pang of wishing we were more conventional and I'd have loved for the dcs to have their parents together but that choice was taken away from me and we've made the best of it I think.
All the best to you
TravellingFleet · 12/07/2017 16:09
It was truly grim for about 18 months, during which I worked very hard rebuilding my life, my mental health and my self-esteem. And then it all went uphill, and things are now great. I realise now how unhappy I used to be, but had accepted it at my normal state of mental health. Sure, there are sadnesses and regrets, but a huge amount of gratitude and opportunity, even in the small things like eating whatever I like, whenever I like, doing whatever I want to at the weekend, and spending my money on the things I value.
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