To have only just realised this about myself at the age I am and to be scared of going to see the doctor

[Emerald31]

Hi. This will be a bit of a long one so I apologise in advance. I'm 33 years old and after my six year old Ds received his diagnosis of ADHD last year (and is now being assessed for ASD) I've come to realise I'm on the spectrum too, at least I think I am.

At first I just thought I was depressed due to the stress of caring for a child with Sen plus the usual battles with school and health professionals but now I know there's more to it. Looking back I was always in trouble in primary school and whilst I did well at high school and up until a few years back had always worked and held down a job I realise now how much more effort I had to put in to maintain this. I've always felt different to everyone else and still do. I do have a few close friends but have social anxiety and don't form friendships easily. Althouhh I worked I struggled. I'm "all there" (sorry couldn't think how best to describe it) but sometimes struggle with organising and processing which over the years made me feel as though I was just stupid.

I have two children and have been a sham for four years and I think since then my difficulties have become nore apparent. Going through th diagnosis process for my son was difficult as I felt everyone was saying there as nothing wrong with my son but despite struggling myself I was able to set boundaries and was always a firm but fair parent but nothing improved and as he started school things got worse. I have been worrying that I've projected my issues on to him but I hide them very very well and was always able to keep my cool and stay firm but lately it's feeling more like an uphill battle.

Like I said I have social anxiety, I don't always like giving eye contact and at times it hurts my eyes and head to do so, Althouhh to take to me you wouldn't know it. I can keep things together for some time and then just get overwhelmed and feel like I'm going to explode. I rarely do as I don't want to be like that around my husband and my kids but my husband has said he can see me struggling. I constantly over think things and never switch off only of a nighttime once the kids are in bed and even then I'm mulling things over. I have moods of feeling very low and then I'm not so bad but then it starts again. I don't cope well with change and Althouhh I want to do things I can't always find the motivation to do it. Getting my kids sorted of a monring and out the door to school used to be effortless as it should be but lately it's overwhelming. Don't get me wrong they don't go through the door until they're fed washed clean and tidy but my six year old plays up every morning as he doesn't want to take his medication and by the time we are done I'm breathless battered and bruised as he lashes out and we are usually running late.

Pressed post too early. Basically AIBU for not wanting to go and see a doctor. I went earlier this year i think in February and the doctor was useless. She looked all awkward and gave me this questionnaire about whether I feel susicidal and then quickly prescribed a tablet that turned out to be for people who struggle sleeping at night (I don't) and it knocked me out and I could t wake easily of a morning so I stopped taking it. I've heard getting assessed or diagnosed as an adult is near on impossible and I don't want people thinking I can't cope. I am struggling and some days are bad but my kids needs are always met and I couldn't cope if people started to question that.

There is nothing to lose from assessment. But also remember that caring for a child with ASD/ADHD IS overwhelming.

The diagnosis process is also very hard and soul destroying.

Oh I know. Like I said I thought it was just stress at first but I find myself not enjoying things I used to, my anxiety has got worse and I'm avoiding situations that I wouldn't usually. There's so much more but I'd be here all day lol.

I have cried to social workers and said I find it hard to cope and they have only offered support. Please don't be scared of asking for support. we are all human.

there is a thread on here for women on the spectrum..perhaps you would find it helpful? I am NT so not very clued up on that aspect :)

This is my worry. I was hoping the doctor would prescribe anti depressants or anxiety meds just to see if they helped but he didn't think I needed them.

Thanks I'll see if I can find it x

Maybe worth seeing a different doctor for second opinion?

I used to be able to juggle everything. It was never effortless but I managed. I'm still managing but I'm having to put more and more effort in just to get the basics done. I want to get back into work and go back to college but at the minute I'd be know used to anyone.

Can you go back to the Dr and ask to be referred for counselling? A lot of what you describe sounds like anxiety. If you had someone to work through that then maybe you could look at an ASD Diagnosis if you still felt you wanted to?

A colleague of mine was diagnosed with high-functioning autism last year at the age of 50, it shocked but really helped him, he said he now understands why he finds some things really difficult. I don't know him that well but I understand from comments he made that he only felt able to ask for assessment as he had a GP and other support that he felt comfortable with, so that is perhaps an aspect to consider? Could you think about asking to see a different GP in future? (I know it can be easier said than done though)

Yes it does sound like things are just too much for you and you need some support (understandably). I don't know anyone who manages without so don't feel bad for pushing for any.

The thing is that you seem to be assuming how other people 'feel' and the reality is that none of us know what it feels like to be someone else. I wouldn't (for example) ever label the process of getting a child out of the door and off to school as 'effortless' and many NT people have social anxiety/get stressed) struggle with any number of situations. What are you hopes from the medical profession in this regard?

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I found that I got the best response from my GP when my appointment actually coincided with a morning when I'd woken up feeling extremely low. When he saw me at my worst and how overwhelmed I was and panicky, he prescribed Fluoxetine which helped me a lot.

Prior to that, my instinct to "keep it together" was too strong so I put on a pretence of being ok so it wasn't easy for the GP to tell how bad I was.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply I know how other people feel. What I meant was that certain things that I personally used to find effortless, aren't any more. I actually thought it was stress and anxiety at first and whilst it is that I know there is more to it. I've taken the time to think back to how I was as a child and I was very similar to how my son is now and I faced a lot of the same issues.

Yeah I think that's why the GP thought I was ok even though I wasn't. I explained everything in detail but didn't break down crying or anything like that. But that's me, I have learned some coping strategies over the years, it's just that some I can keep up and some I can't.

Sorry to butt in but can you lonk to the thread you mentioned, -*dosillusioned+?

Sorry to hear you're struglling OP. I'm being diagnosed for ADHD and have found the recognistion helpful. I can now see what bahaviours are "me"and which are "not mine", as in are typical to people with adhd. if that makes sense.

I think counselling sounds like a good idea. Our borough has a system where you can self refer online so even if GP is not helpful you can access help. I just say this because it sounds to me like you have such a lot on, you have stress and anxiety and you feel overwhelmed. This may or may not be because you are on the spectrum and maybe talking with a counsellor could help you untangle the threads and think clearly about whether you go for an assessment, or it could make you strong to approach the gp for further meds.

Another thing I thought of (although I am no expert) is if you think you are on the spectrum you could just investigate how other adults with ASD adapt their lives and just do these things without a diagnosis. You might pick up some useful tips. You could use the boards on here to see what other women are feeling/doing and get some solidarity.

Thanks for the suggestions they're really helpful. My worry about counselling is that Im not great at talking with people I don't know but I could give it a try I suppose. I think (and I'm not blaming my son here) if it was just me on my own I'd manage better. I adore my son and would never change him but his behaviour at times increases my anxiety. For instance he is so loud, ear piercingly at times and will just scream for no reason. I really struggle with this as can't take loud noises. He is like a whirlwind at times and will just bounce up and down stairs, run in and out the house into the garden slamming doors and it stresses me out. If I am on the spectrum me and my son are definitely at different ends and despite having some sinister issues we are miles apart in other areas.

Hey Emerald,

There is a part of the forum for woman with aspergers/asd and other special needs, quite a few threads in there and info on how to go about getting a diagnosis. Most are woman who have been "missed" diagnosis growing up because aspergers presents differently in women than in men and knowledge of aspergers/asd in woman is poor among health professionals and general public.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnetters_with_sn

Unfortunately once a diagnosis is reached there is frequently a lack of resources or support and because of this people will try and dissuade you from getting a diagnosis. However despite this, many women gain a great deal of relief from finally having a diagnosis and realising why they have struggled over the years.

If you are googling for information, its helpful to type adult women with aspergers/asd as the symptoms are different than in men and it is only in recent years that the difficulties woman have have been recognised.

taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/

everydayaspergers.com/2012/02/10/aspergers-traits-women-females-girls/

(good Tony Attwood video - not specific to woman but a good overview )

Thank you so much. I will take a look. x