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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's uncle stopping by without notice

20 replies

MissWitch · 10/07/2017 16:23

I suspect I am being a bit unreasonable here (also this is my first time posting in AIBU so please go easy on me!!). My DH's uncle has a habit of stopping by our house for a coffee and chat unexpectedly. While I appreciate it's lovely he's making an effort I would appreciate a bit of forewarning, especially when he turns up 10.30 Sunday morning while we're all in our pyjamas
I had no bra on ffs! just about to sit down to a cooked breakfast (this is now becoming a regular occurrence but never at the same time so no way to anticipate him turning up).

He's also turned up at random times throughout the week (DH and I work from home), this is where it gets a bit awkward as DH and I are TTC at the moment so during the day is the only time we get when the kids aren't in the house. We like to go the gym after the school run and then dtd after our showers, this actually got interrupted once DH got his but I didn't get mine because of said interruption .

DH is like me, in that he would appreciate a little bit of forewarning i.e. a text just to say he's going to be stopping by, but is apprehensive about mentioning anything as he appreciates that he's making an effort to have a relationship . We do generally enjoy his company so don't want to dissuade him from coming over or make him feel uncomfortable but it would be nice to have a little bit of warning first. AIBU?

OP posts:

ChicRock · 10/07/2017 16:26

Well presumably one of you is going and answering the front door and letting him in.

Your DH did this mid-shag?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2017 16:26

Opinion is divided on this on MN. But I think it's incredibly rude to pop round to someone's house without checking. It's basically saying that you think you are more important than anything they might be doing.

However, you don't get to bitch about stuff you don't ask for. So, tell him to check. And, more importantly, say "sorry, it's not convenient at the moment" when he comes round and you are doing something.

MeanAger · 10/07/2017 16:28

Lock the doors, pull the curtains, ignore the door bell.

Wolfiefan · 10/07/2017 16:30

I think it's rude to turn up unannounced. He clearly doesn't. Say something.

MissBax · 10/07/2017 16:30

I'm very much anti "stop by" without forewarning, but I know lots of people don't mind it. If I was passing someone's house I'd always text and ask if they fancy a visit first. In your position (excuse the pun) I'd just not answer the door, he'll soon get the message.

Sirzy · 10/07/2017 16:33

Well if you want him to text first you will have to tell him - he isn't psychic!

Personally as long as someone is willing to accept "now isn't a good time" then I don't mind people just popping in. That said I always ask people before popping in, mainly so I am not wasting my time!

punkpuffin · 10/07/2017 16:34

Why did you answer the door mid sex? Could you have just pretended you werent in?
I think your dh needs to say you love his visits but would like a bit of warning.

Original poster

MissWitch · 10/07/2017 16:37

@ChicRock DH did ask first and I thought it'd be more awkward ignoring and him keeping on ringing the bell- it kinda takes you out of the moment when that happens. DH made it up to me later still I was pretty peeved at the time.

With regards not answering the door, sometimes it's been a parcel being delivered and as we live rurally it can be a real nightmare if they leave a card. Also if our car is outside people who know us know we're in. And like I said we don't want to totally dissuade him from coming over, it's the stopping by without warning thing that's getting to me, especially when I'm sat downstairs in my pyjamas without my bra or makeup on and hair a mess. It's all a bit embarrassing.

OP posts:

FilledSoda · 10/07/2017 16:39

I would hate that and wouldn't be able to hide it.
You will have to spell it out to him.

Wolfiefan · 10/07/2017 16:40

Sorry. We're busy. Shut door.
You can't be cross he doesn't call first if you actually won't ask him to call first.

Jayfee · 10/07/2017 16:41

so come down looking dishevelled and joke about a textbeing a good idea?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2017 16:41

TELL HIM THEN.

MissBax · 10/07/2017 16:42

Just explain that you work from home so he has to treat week days as though you're not actually there!

FreakinDeacon · 10/07/2017 16:44

I would say you have the perfect reason to bring it up if you work from home. Just say that it isn't always convenient and could he text to check first.

Dragonflycushion · 10/07/2017 16:46

Put a note on the door.
'Bumping uglies. Please text before knocking.'
Then pop your phones on silent.
Job done so to speak.

Giraffey1 · 10/07/2017 16:51

The uncle has got into the habit of calling unannounced and because you're always accommodating and let him in, he assumes you are fine with this. I think you have to start not answering the door and tell him, too, that you like his company but please can he call beforehand to check it is convenient. If he's a nice guy he will understand.

RhubardGin · 10/07/2017 16:56

I hate unexpected visitors. I know people will disagree but I think it's the height of rudeness.

You don't know if people have plans. Or want some alone time. Are having a mid afternoon shag session. To just presume people want to be graced with your presence just irks me. I would never turn up at someone's house unannounced.

Does he not feel awkward when you're sitting in your PJ's having breakfast and he's sitting there like a lemon. Did he not wonder why you were both wet (pardon the pun) in the middle of the day?

You will just need to be cruel to be kind and tell him that you appreciate him making an effort but in future if he could let you know in advance if he is coming round that would be great.

He sounds harmless but obviously has no self awareness.

dustarr73 · 10/07/2017 16:57

I hate people dropping by,but i think in this case blame work.You work from home,so he cant just drop in.He wouldnt do it if you worked in an office.

The weekend,get up and out some mornings.Dont always be there.

Carouselfish · 10/07/2017 17:02

'Would you mind texting before coming over because we might be in the shower or walking around naked or something if we don't know you're coming!' Said in jokey way. Slightly embarrassing for you and him, but worth it to do the job.
Elderly family friend always popping over with any excuse here and no doorbell before you pass living room windows so he did see me topless one day. He started calling to check after that.

Original poster

MissWitch · 10/07/2017 17:06

I think I'm going to have to insist DH have a word with him about texting first. He is utterly oblivious though, when he turned up on Sunday I answered the door in my dressing gown and showed him straight through to DH who was cooking breakfast in the kitchen. DH even said "Ah we're about to sit down and eat breakfast" as in we're preoccupied and it's not convenient but don't want to be blunt about it. He doesn't seem to feel awkward or uncomfortable, or get subtleties but equally he can be quite sensitive and touchy so if we're too blunt I think he'll possibly get the arse and not come over at all and be really awkward when we do see him
I do agree that we have played our part in causing this situation by being too accommodating but to be fair we didn't realise it would turn into a regular occurrence and I think we all have this over-politeness thing in England where nobody wants to come across as rude.

OP posts:

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