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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt about the entitled-ness of this woman?

44 replies

Ironfloor · 10/07/2017 09:46

I made a cake for DD's birthday party the other day and posted a photo of it on FB. An acquaintance who saw this asked whether I take orders and that her son would love a similar cake. I said that I don't take orders and that I would make it for free as a birthday present to him (he and my DD play together). She then told me the date of the party and said that he's so pleased that I'm making this cake for him and could I make a chocolate cake with chcolate frosting?! All this without a word of 'thank you'.

AIBU to feel hurt that she hasn't thanked me for offering to do it for free and sort of dictated the type of cake she wants?

OP posts:

YouHaveBeenSummarilyDismissed · 10/07/2017 10:27

Nice response, OP.
That's the way to take it on the chin. Good luck with it all.

TheStoic · 10/07/2017 10:27

You made a nice gesture, and she didn't seem particularly grateful.

This is a 'shrug, and move on' moment.

rightwhine · 10/07/2017 10:34

Agree that you are being over sensitive. She was happy to pay for a specific cake- chocolate, therefore it is no favour if it's different to what she actually wants and is prepared to pay for. She was appreciative in her wording in the text.

rightwhine · 10/07/2017 10:45

In fact if she thinks you are wavering in the chocolate cake bit then you'll put her in an awkward position of having to appear to be grateful for a cake she doesn't want and would never have asked you to do or having to appear rude and say no thanks.

NearlyChristmasNow · 10/07/2017 10:58

If you make the cake, she might do you a big favour one day too.

sadie9 · 10/07/2017 11:05

The best trick for these situations or any situation where you feel compelled to offer to help etc or do kind things for people out of some need, is to immediately the situation arises pause and then buy time by postponing your response.
Rather than jump in and say 'oh I'll mind them for you Tuesday night!' or 'I could come over and drive you!'. You can say 'I would offer but I'll have to check if I'm free that night' or 'I might be able to help out but I get back to you on that later today?'.
Because when you are with people you have a strong internal urge to please them, but later on you resent offering them all your time etc. To the person you are helping you seemed to really want to help, and assured them you absolutely had nothing better to do.
But later on you discover it is a problem and you over-offered yourself.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 10/07/2017 11:06

You made a nice gesture, and she didn't seem particularly grateful.

This is a 'shrug, and move on' moment.

Agree with this^^ really.

If someone offered to make me a cake for free though, I'd probably have fallen over myself to say no I insist I give you some money for it. But then if you wanted to make a gift to her DS then it would maybe have been churlish of her to insist? I have had people offer us things and me saying no I couldn't possibly take it. As soon as they say "it can be my gift to mini-decaff", I can't protest any more iyswim. I make her say thank you of course. Maybe she thinks the thank you should come directly from her DS as it's your gift to him?

user1495451339 · 10/07/2017 11:08

You offered and you said it would be his present! She did thank you and is only stating his preference to avoid the embarrassment of 'but I wanted a chocolate cake' on the day!

If you didn't want to do it you should just have just left it at 'sorry I don't take orders' and maybe sent her a recipe or tips on the icing.

checkoutchick · 10/07/2017 11:09

Sometimes being a "pushover" comes with using please and thank you a bit too much...
You sound really kind and if you'd been her , would probably have bent yourself inside out to make sure she knew you were grateful!
Don't overthink it anymore.
I really hope she lets you know that she is thankful when she collects!🌸

upperlimit · 10/07/2017 11:17

I too think her saying that her son will be so pleased, is an equivalence of a thank you on behalf of her son.

No doubt, they'll both thank you on the day.

The80sweregreat · 10/07/2017 11:31

Not saying please or thank you, or just assuming things are pet hate of mine i;m afraid, but some people do have an entitled air about them! i hope she is more grateful once its all made and handed over.

Summerswallow · 10/07/2017 11:36

I don't think the other mum did anything wrong! You offered this as a present- why would she then offer money or anything else, she'd already offered it as a paid cake and you'd said no? She then very diplomatically said he'd prefer chocolate as that's what she would have ordered and the date which was required.

You caused this yourself really, and there's no reason to think she won't be thankful on the day, but don't expect gushing crazy praise, because it's basically his present, like all the other presents and it's often very busy- so a quick, thanks, it looks amazing is just fine.

NataliaOsipova · 10/07/2017 11:45

Did she say all this over text or email? Some people are more curt and less effusive that way than they would be in real life. I agree that the "he's really pleased" is an expression of gratitude; no doubt when you give it to her she will thank you profusely. Don't think the chocolate thing is a big deal either, to be honest; her son probably just loves chocolate. It's not like she specified gold leaf or a model of the Eiffel Tower or something really expensive/difficult.

CloseEyesAndThinkOfAThaiBeach · 10/07/2017 11:45

I make cakes. Not professionally, but they are quite good. I have had a few people ask me in the past to make things for them but I have a rule that I only make them for my own family and if I want to thank someone.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 10/07/2017 12:00

Some people aren't very good at actually using the words please and thank you"

Who dragged them up then?

It is a common trait among autistic people, they know they are grateful, they told you they are grateful "excited" shows gratefulness, they just don't remember to add the extra pointless (to them) words thank you.

confuugled1 · 10/07/2017 15:29

is it because you were expecting to make a cake that was pretty similar to the one that you'd made for your dd?

Could you say something along the lines of 'Oh, sorry, we must have been talking at cross purposes - I thought you wanted a cake like the vanilla/??? one dd had and I'm great at making those. However I'm rubbish at making chocolate cakes so if your ds wants a chocolate cake I'd hate to disappoint him with a rubbish chocolate cake so maybe it would be better for you to get him a proper chocolate one.'

The 'cross purposes' phrase is very useful in circumstances like this - takes blame off both sides and makes it very non-confrontational, nobody is right or wrong! It's got me out of a few situations even when I know I'm right where I don't want a fuss and gives the other side an easy exit without the need to lose face.

Is your dd actually going to the boy's party? if you are going then fine but is it more expensive than you'd want to give or difficult to get there if you're not going or are there any other problems?

I can see why she might be thinking that she gets to choose the type of cake as she had asked you if you made cakes and would know that she wanted a chocolate cake (I have two ds - both of whom will devour chocolate cake but won't bother to eat vanilla or lemon or most other flavours, they just don't see the point - which means that when I think about birthday cakes I take it for granted that the cake will be chocolate - and forget that I need to specify that as not all dc and cake makers are the same!). But if you don't want to make the cake for whatever reason, it gives you a great way to get out of doing it easily and without any bad feelings.

Original poster

Ironfloor · 10/07/2017 15:58

No, DD is not invited to the party. I said I'll do it as his birthday present because I really don't expect money from her. It's not very expensive to make, I already have the ingredients.

I wasn't upset because she is not paying me, but because she seemed to be taking advantage iykwim. If I was in her position, I'd be so thankful and make her know so.

DH also agrees that it's a shrug and move on incident. Ah well, I'll chalk it up to experience.

Thanks for all the tips about responding to these kind of requests in future.

OP posts:

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 10/07/2017 17:10

But if she could afford to buy a cake, why should be "so grateful" i would presume you were doing it because it was a hobby, you like doing it, your waist is getting far to big from eating all the cakes you make yourself so are glad for an excuse to bake without having a cake to eat. I wouldn't offer in any other situation, and honestly can't imagine why you did if it is such a big inconvenience you need her to be "so grateful".

Or else why did you offer to do it, when you know the other person can afford it?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 10/07/2017 19:56

She didn't ask for "this kind of request" she asked if you make them to order, you don't so could have said no. You didn't and offered to make it as a present.. you made this situation. Why would she ask for an identical cake? Of course she would want it in the flavour her child would like.. are you actually serious, or is this a joke?

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