To be so upset with DPs

[Lizibet]

To preface my DS (3) and DNephew are very close in age - DN is only a month older.
I get along great with DB and DSiL and love DN to bits and pieces. The two boys adore each other as well.

However, DPs are constantly comparing DS to DN.
This has been going on since before they were born.
I wouldn't mind as much if it went both ways ( though I still wouldn't be overjoyed about it ) but DN is never compared to DS.
It wasn't a massive problem before as we lived further afield and so didn't see DPs quite as often but we moved closer to them about 6 months ago so this is happening much more often.
It's particularly concerning me that the keep doing it in front of the boys even though they are old enough to understand what they're talking about now. They're so close and I'm worried it might push them apart when they're older.

I don't know wether I'm justified in being upset about this or wether I'm being over-sensitive and jealous 

Do you mean they're comparing your son unfavourably to his cousin?

Can you give an eg?

Did they do this with you and your siblings growing up?

YANBU but I think it would be more productive to focus on your concerned about it rather than your upset. In that - there is no point in just being upset, obviously you are going to feel bad about it, but it's not really the bad bit of it. The bad bit is the effect it can have on their relationship with their GC and on your DS's self image. You need to talk to them about it, see if they realise what they are doing and explain to them it needs to stop, especially in front of the boys.

I don't think you're being over-sensitive to be upset (or concerned!), but you need to act, not just be upset.

If it's things like 1st step etc then they're being UR ... they're the same age but there is a month apart ... hopefully as they get older and these differences don't mean as much they'll stop ... if they continue being unfavourable you need to speak to them .

I'm being really dense - but who are DPs? Grandparents?

I'm being really dense - but who are DPs? Grandparents?

The OP's "dear" parents, presumably.

YANBU but as a PP said, you need to act on your concerns.

My cousin was compared unfavourably to me by grandparents (not even in a way that made sense, we could do the exact same thing, but she would be frowned upon for it and I would be praised), and we both cottoned on pretty quickly that I was 'the favourite'. It definitely affected not just her relationship with our grandparents but our relationship as cousins as well.

My dsis had this with her fil. Even went as far as encouraging dc to have races knowing same one would always win. Sis ripped him one saying if you pull that stunt again my dc will not be coming over again.

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply but I didn't know anyone had responded as MN didn't send me any notifications

They did it with landmarks like first steps but only if it was DN doing it first- eg when DN started talking first we they kept mentioning it and telling us that DS really should be talking by now but when DS started walking first it wasn't mentioned.
Now it's more often about their appearance or personality . For example, they keep mentioning how bland DS' dark hair is compared to DN lovely blonde curls or how much neater it would be if we cut it short like DN's (even though they grew all of my brother's hair out until they started school )

I had a discussion about with my brother and we both agreed there was definitely favouritism when my siblings and I were younger but more in the form of different standards for different kids than comparing us to each other so it could definitely stem from that.
My brother also think that it's at least in part because my life choices didn't match up with what they wanted from me, especially as their oldest daughter ( had DS when I was 18 and DH and I were obvs not married at the time and they were very unhappy about that) and I think that might have some merit.

Either way we've decided to talk to them about it together on Sunday when we go over for lunch so we'll see what happens.

Sorry that got a bit long but was very cathartic to have a little bit of a moan about it all

OP you won't get notifications of posts unless the poster types @Lizibet in the post. Not MN fault.

I'm glad your DB is on the same page as you

Thank Crocodile. This is my first post so I just assumed it sent you notifications for your own post the same as it does for posts you've replied to.

It's understandable to be upset but it sounds like you need to try and detach yourself from the need for your DParents' approval. Your DB sounds great, the two of you together know that your DParents are dysfunctional so for your own peace of mind you need to try to not care so much about what they say and do. Really difficult though.