to get annoyed when my IL's attribute my children's good things to DH

[teabags]

I have 2 sons, DS1 is 2 and DS2 is just 4 weeks. The IL's in particular say how much they look like my DH. I have said that certain people have pointed out similarities to me but they dismiss it outright. Any time I comment on something good one of them may have done, they say DH was like that. Sometimes I just wish they would say, well done to me, but it seems my children have nothing to do with me at all and it really hacks me off! I know I should not worry about things like this but it grates me

[Megglevache]

Message withdrawn

[DANCESwithaTruckLoadOfMiniEggs]

At least they don't say, they must get it from us
I know what you mean though. I'm sure I've read newborns are supposed to look like their dad's so that the dads can form a bond with them if that helps. DH's cousins daughter looked JUST like him when she was born which was very disconcerting, now she's a cutie

[handlemecarefully]

Honestly? - I don't let that sort of thing bother me. No you are not unreasonable but imo you are getting it out of proportion.

You don't need their validation do you? You know that your children are a credit to both you and your dh

[zippitippitoes]

it used to make me lol



that's all you can do!

[teabags]

you're right, I'll chill out I'm feeling a bit hormonal post birth!
Funny thing is, pics of DS1 and DH as toddlers........they are just so not alike, not in looks or personality!

[kimiTheEasterBunny]

Both my sons looked like my sister when they were born!
Although DS2 looks more like DHs side of the family when they were babies, As long as they don't grow up to be like DHs side its ok

[wanderingstar]

Yes it's really annoying. There's 21m between ds1 and 2. Ds1 did look like Daddy when born; but they went on and on about it to the extent I felt just like the vessel that had borne their offspring all over again. In fact Ils all piled in just hoiurs after ds1 was born and it was particularly overwhelming when they harped on so much about his familial resemblance.

It still amazes me how women forget how hormonal and sensitive a new mum - quite rightly - feels; to my dying day I certainly won't forget, and I hope I'll remember to be tactful to my dils if their children look like our side.

[TinyGang]

I let this wash over me now, but when all of mine were born (me feeling all hormonal) both my mil and my mum kept on and on about how every nice bit was 'just like me' so they bypass both dh and me.

I started to feel I'd had no part in them at all. They still do it now..

Deep breaths...feeeel the calm

[Spidermama]

At least they attribute good things to your dh (which I admit is annoying in itself.) My ILs attribute the good behaviour of their grandchildren to themselves. (ie - yes I'm glad to see spiderdad passing on the knowlege WE taught him about this. Aren't you glad we brought up spiderdad this way?'

Lern to let it wash over you. It's their shit and it doesn't take away your achievements.

[Spidermama]

Let's make a big letting-it-wash-over-us sound to see if it makes us feel any better.

And ....


Ffffffflllllooooooorrrrrruuuuuuuuschhhhhhhhhhhh!

God that felt good!

[teabags]

wanderingstar - you have echoed exactly how I feel. Perhaps it is down to my sensitivity post birth but it makes me feel like I am just on the outside looking in. Even if my children are just like their father I guess I'd like to be acknowledged as the mother and not just a bystander in all this. At least that is how it makes me feel!

[FrannyandZooey]

MIL is so ruddy down on my dp I would love to hear her say some complimentary things about him

but I do understand, ILs are annoying whatever they do, really

[shonaspurtle]

My mum does this - she's desperate to see resemblance to our side of the family in ds and dn.

In the case of dn it's really quite funny as he's the absolute spitting image of sil's brother but she still insists he looks like db. I'll have to ask sil if it annoys her!

I suppose though, she spent so long looking at us when we were babies she will see similarities when we don't. She insisted that ds had my eyes which I couldn't see until I looked at baby photos.

[tortoiseSHELL]

My MIL does this, but it doesn't annoy me, because I figure she will spot similarities between the children and dh at that age. Clearly she didn't know me at that age, so it's totally understandable. And sometimes, it's just an expression or a way of looking at someone that reminds you of how they were.

[steinermum]

They're getting pleasure from their grandchildren and it's bringing back happy memories for them.

You're tired, emotional and in need of some validation.

You can:

1.accept this state of affairs and enjoy their pleasure in your children

1. tell them you feel left out

1. ask your DH to tell them on your behalf

1. have a good old-fashioned rant behind their backs when they're gone.

[hoolagirl]

Aah, my mum does this to my SIL.
She'll even go as far as to say the kids are like me !!
I have pointed out that maybe they are like SIL !!

[NorksBride]

Teabags - my IL's were exactly the same. DH is brown-eyed and dark haired, DCs are all blonde and blue-eyed and they're still 'just like him'. I know now that it's just new grandchildren syndrome.

Fortunately the ILs grew out of it

[RedFraggle]

Teabags - I have exactly the same thing with my MIl. But to be honest I just pmsl about it now and dh and I joke about how I have contributed nothing to our dd.

My MIL actually said when I was pregnant with dd "Well the baby will get maths and english skills from your dh, and his outgoing manner, and from you, she will get......(long pause) other skills.....".

I told dh and we both fell about laughing - it is the ONLY way to deal with this!

Everthing our dd does early (walking, talking whatever) is due to the good genes from dh's family. The best bit though was she spent ages saying "she has the Jones family eyes (nose / mouth / chin/ etc)" But as dd grew, she became an exact replica facially of me as a child. Yay!!!!

It is irritating - but if you and dh can turn it into a little "family" joke, you will feel so much better about it. I wait for her next remarks eagerly for entertainment value!!

[fortyplus]

They change as they get older - both mine were the image of dh when they were tiny, but ds1 now looks a lot like me. If that happens to you then you'll have the last laugh

[Saturn74]

In my case, visits to ILs = fixed grin, glaze over and let any comments go in one ear and out of the other.
It has taken me 15 years to perfect this art, however!

[scatterbrain]

Not at all unreasonable - it is thoughless of them !!

Mine are the same - dd is the spitting image of me in every way - yet my ILs are forever saying how like SIL she is ! When she sits down to read - its "Oh - that's exactly what SIL was like" - she likes writing plays "Oh SIL always used to write plays " etc etc !!

makes me sick - of course I also used to do all these things but they didn't know me as a child !

My ILs still don't admit that dd is the image of me !

Grrrrrrr !

[WinkyWinkola]

Don't let it upset you. When they next pipe up, you could say something like, "Oh I think he's his own man with his own ways and looks."

I know what you mean about feeling like merely the vessel for carrying the child!

It used to annoy me because MIL is, for some reason desperate for DS to look like DH and I think he really does. In fact, there's a scary similarity which is super as I think they're both lovely looking. But I did feel that MIL wanted to feel DS was more part of her family than mine and she would get out DH's baby photos EVERY time we went round to prove her point and stake her claim! V. odd but it doesn't bother me anymore. He's still my lovely boy regardless!

People do say DS is starting to look more like me now and MIL hates it. Her lips go very thin like she's sucking a lemon and it still seems to be a big deal for her. Quite sad really. It's not a competition after all, is it? Or is it? Not one I subscribe to anyway.

[ginnedupmummy]

Message withdrawn

[teabags]

thanks for your messages, I'll try and adopt the fixed grin approach in future and let it wash over me. Very difficult to do on little sleep and hormones but I'll perfect it in time I'm sure!

[Jonut]

My daughters are both the spitting image of their Daddy and when a collegue of oh saw DD1 for the first time she said "Well she's not the Postmans, is she??" Ummm....no!