DS home from university

[woodhill]

Getting fed up.

I don't mind my ds being here but he is not pulling his weight. He has no job but does very little. I get really annoyed but my dh undermines me and doesn't back me up. He thinks I am being mean and he has just come in and had a go at me for moaning at ds. He says my approach does not motivate my ds. I ask him to do stuff. It isn't done then I get upset. Often it is clearing away his own stuff that is lying around.

I've got some time off over the Summer and I was hoping to sort the house out. I don't think there is a solution and hopefully he will go off to his shared accommodation otherwise he is here till October. I am doing his washing, cooking meals and to some extent clearing up behind him. I am feeling very resentful.

First thing you need to speak to dh. Sort things out with him. Listen to eachothers point of view. But he needs to understand that ds is an adult and needs to take some responsibility for himself. If ds doesnt clear his own stuff up and dh backs him. Dh needs to do it.

Ds needs to be told he will respect you, your house and your rules

How old is your DS?

Why on earth are you doing his washing and clearing up and cooking for him?!

Stop. He's not a child. He should be contributing to the house if not financially in other ways rather than doing nothing and letting his mum run about after him.

If your dh won't let you tell ds to pick up after himself, dh needs to be picking up after him and not you!

Your dh is being massively unreasonable. Point out to him that you are supposed to be raising a responsible adult who can take care of himself.

He's 19. It's easier to cook meals and do the washing. I don't mind that. It's just him not mucking in and the mess.

He will hang washing out and he did some DIY stuff for dh which dh gave him some cash.

He should be contributing if he isn't working. Really with a deal like that why would he ever take on any responsibilities. Might be worth trying to explain to your DH that your job as parents is to prepare your children for adult life. If you want him to leave home, find a partner, work hard etc then he needs to understand there is work involved in doing these things and practice the skills for this. Just seen it in too many men in my generation who still expect women to look after them so they either stay at home for ever or become crap husbands. I don't thank my MIL for how she did everything although DH is loads better now after I spelt out a few things to him!

Give him warning that anything of his dumped anywhere other than in his room which you ask him to remove will be put in the bin - and follow through. Your DH will no doubt disagree - I suggest you ignore.

I wouldn't want him to do his own washing. Assuming you've got a machine and aren't doing it by hand, isn't it far more economical to put his stuff in with the rest of the family's? A waste of time, electricity, washing powder/liquid etc. to tell him to do his own. How difficult is it to bung a few extra things into the machine? It takes seconds - hardly a chore. He can do his fair share of tidying, cleaning and washing up obviously.
Your OP ends with "I am doing his washing, cooking meals and to some extent clearing up behind him. I am feeling very resentful." yet in a later post you say "It's easier to cook meals and do the washing. I don't mind that." so why include them in the list of things you're resentful about? It's just the tidying.

I bet your husband wouldn't be taking that view if he were a girl. Idle so and so needs to be making a positive contribution to the place he's living in.

Why not get ds to do some of the washing? Not just his, family washing.

Yes makes sense to wash and cook as a family but then asking him to put away stuff from drainer then it's still there in the morning (we have a dishwasher) or washing up.

Stuff left around like trousers and shoes and socks dropped. Sofa where he sits messy. Plates and glasses.

DH's mother was like this. "Oh I never made my dc do anything etc" undermined me when I asked my dd to sort her stuff out when she was living away from home.

I think dh moaned at dds more possibly

I have got used o no dcs at home.

Oh ouch, it sounds like you don't like him being at home at all. Even don't like him full stop.

Yours is a common complaint. So many families are in this situation, Does he have set jobs to do?

What are his plans for the summer?

Is he going off travelling at all?

If not why not encourage him to either get a job and put the money away so he has more to spend when back at uni or to find some work experience relevant to the degree he is taking so he is building his CV for when he eventually gets a job.

That way he is less under your feet, less likely to make a mess and if the mess is contained even if it is you that ends up clearing it it is less often so less annoying.

Also get a box in the corner of the room and just move his mess to there! Then when he is looking for it it is all in one place but not actually tidied away or washed and he'll need to sort it.

Btw to a pp, I work hard, found a partner, am fantastic with money , run an immaculate house, despite never being expected to do much at home by my parents.

Both my already at Uni son and the other going in September have summer jobs as do their friends Is there any reason why yours hasn't?

No I really do like him but not the mess. box is not a bad idea. I've also suggested he moves rooms. Dds stuff still in her room but she has left home. She will clear it soon but is abroad.

He says he has applied for some. He is away for a week soon.

Same as ona Both my already at uni dses have summer jobs, although admittedly it hasn't been easy for them to get them.

I feel your pain - I have an 18 yr old who has finished A-levels and now has 2 1/2 months off, and a 21 yr old who has finished his degree and returned home. They do get in the way a bit, but you have to remember it is their home too.

It would NOT make sense for everyone to be doing own washing / cooking etc. - I can never understand when posters suggest that - However they both work (when they can get shifts), they both volunteer, they both leave the house and see friends , take part in training for their sports etc., and - and I think this is the crucial bit - they understand there is an expectation that everyone who lives here contributes.
So (for example) - I've got a list of the days on the fridge and I don't ask 'please will you make a meal' , I ask "Which night are you cooking". I don't say 'Please will you hang the washing out'.... I leave a note saying X,Y Z need doing, I don't mind who does which.
However, we've always expected them to contribute from when they could toddle and it was more hassle than it was worth in terms of getting the job done so they know without thinking that for a meal to happen someone must have shopped and someone pealed the veg and someone cooked and someone laid the table and someone will have to clear the table and load the dishwasher afterwards and the dishwasher can only be loaded if someone has emptied it, etc.,etc., so none of this is a surprise to them.
More difficult I suspect if they've not had to do thing previously.

I do sympathise about the mess OP, I just throw it all in their rooms. Unless it's in the dirty washing basket it doesn't get washed. I actually take it from beside the dirty washing basket and put it back on the floor in their rooms. Then close the door. I suppose it just doesn't bother me too much; I think they'll be gone before long so trying to enjoy their company for now.

Anyway you're not alone, similar stories from most of my friends.

Oh that's good to hear, it's not that bad and not just me. I don't want to alienate him. It's great to have a moan on here.

He's probably missing having the freedom at uni. We all get set in our ways.