Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed re friend

14 replies

LTBiscuit · 09/07/2017 11:05

Posting here for traffic.. I'm not sure what to do..
Ive accidentally found out, through a very reliable source, that my friend is fed up of her husbands slovenly ways and had basically given him an ultimatum of a month to improve his ways or their marriage is over. I had absolutely no idea that she's so unhappy. I'm even closer to one of our mutual friends and I don't get the impression she knows about our friends troubles either (I've not told her). I know it's her marriage and none of my business.. but I'm worried she's bottling this up and could do with support. Do I gently let on that I've heard? Do I mention it to our mutual friend? Or do I just keep well out of it?

OP posts:
HurtleTheTurtle · 09/07/2017 11:08

I think you need to keep well out of it, unless she choses to tell you herself.

Interested to know what your reliable source is - the village gossip? That source needs to stop sharing this information with others.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 09/07/2017 11:09

At best mention how much your husband is annoying you and see if she opens up. If she doesn't, keep quiet and be there for her when she asks

Original poster
LTBiscuit · 09/07/2017 11:10

Her husband told my husband, so pretty reliable Sad

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 09/07/2017 11:10

I think it's nobody's business how or why she's doing what she's doing. Marriages aren't gossip fodder and your friend would likely be quite upset if she knew you'd been chatting about the state of hers.

Bunbunbunny · 09/07/2017 11:10

There could a million of reasons she hasn't told you, I wouldn't bring it up but you could gently tell her if she needs anything you'll be there for her.

You could be the person she doesn't talk about it because you're the relief from it, I had friends like that where I want to enjoy their company without thinking of crap that is going on at home

Original poster
LTBiscuit · 09/07/2017 11:13

Please know my dilemma comes from a good place, I want to be there for her, not gossip about her. Im not in any way put out that she hadn't told me! Just hate the thought of her being so unhappy

OP posts:
DirtyChaiLatte · 09/07/2017 11:13

I think if she wanted you to know and wanted the support then she'd have told you.

She hasn't told you, and as much as you want to help, I think you should respect her decision not to tell you. She might be embarrassed about it, or have many other reasons why she doesn't want people to know.

HurtleTheTurtle · 09/07/2017 11:14

I wondered after I posted it if it was via the Husband to Husband communication line. Like many things shared between partners in relationships, I feel this is one that does not get shared any further.

Maybe she doesn't want you to know, maybe she has confided in others, maybe she feels it is not the right time to tell you, and perhaps, she doesn't want to have her DH judged in the future if he does change.

vikingprincess81 · 09/07/2017 11:15

Are you a foursome friend group? Or were your husbands friends first and you've developed friendship because of that? I only ask because your husbands may be closer than you are with her?
I agree with previous poster - you could mention how totally fucked off you are because jesus wept I'm apparently the only person who sees the fucking mess and dirt your husband has been messy etc and let her bring it up. If she doesn't, i'd leave it alone and definitely not mention it to mutual friend. Give her the opportunity to bring it up and if she doesn't then she doesn't want to talk about it Flowers

numbandlost · 09/07/2017 11:16

I suspect a few people know about the state my relationship is in however I haven't confided in anyone in real life, I'm not ready to because it makes it too real.
I'm sure she will reach out when she feels ready.

vikingprincess81 · 09/07/2017 11:19

Or, if it's your usual method of communication, shoot her a quick text or whatsapp - 'hey you, how are things? All good?'
Gives the opportunity to speak up or not, and also takes away a layer of intimacy - sometimes it's easier to write things down rather than say them. Ive supported friends this way (thank the green man for whatsapp!) when going through difficult emotional stuff and they've found it hard to speak face to face but we are Scottish and we don't do emotions up here so that advice may be defunct!
Tricky knowing stuff you don't want to know though OP. Flowers

Original poster
LTBiscuit · 09/07/2017 11:22

Thank you for the kind advice so far. Yes, very hard knowing things you'd rather not know!

OP posts:
MermaidsTears · 09/07/2017 16:53

You could cause so much more upset for them if she has told her dh not to tell anyone and then you let on her dh has told your dh.....?
You never know it could be the straw that breaks the camels back for her and you would feel responsible.
Stay well out.

Sushi123 · 09/07/2017 18:05

Stay out of it...she'll tell you if you need to know...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread