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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For refusing my mother to have any contact with DCs and DH?

26 replies

user1499592148 · 09/07/2017 10:27

I cut myself from my family when I was 21. I live in the UK but I am not a native. In my native country, the culture favours males for everything. They take precedent and pretty much decide it all, from family dynamics to laws.

My parents wanted me to marry my uncle. I was 20 at the time. He was 44. This was a step too far for me. I couldn’t go through with it. I became depressed and couldn’t eat anything during this period. I complained to my parents about it, but they told me I had no choice but do as they commanded. I decided to leave home and my family shortly after. There was no way I could marry my uncle. Besides the fact it would be incest, and he was far much older than me at the time. . . The man was a drunken pig. Constantly smelled of alcohol.

I now live in England, am happily married and have 3 beautiful children. When I ran away, I still kept in contact with my sisters. My parents said I wasn’t their child any longer so we didn’t remain in contact.

However, now my mother wants to “talk.” My father is still my dad and that won’t ever change. He’s a stubborn goat. But it seems my mother is having second thoughts. But I don’t want anything to do with her. I don’t want her to be around my family, even if it is only through digital and not physical means.

My mother forced my second youngest sister to marry the uncle I was supposed to marry. We talk on the phone. She’s absolutely miserable and it breaks my heart. I can’t forgive my mother for what she did to my sister (I was told that by this time, my dad wasn’t so insistent of the marriage, it was my mother who pushed). She knew what a joke the man was but still pushed for both me and my sister.

My mother said I am being "cruel" for not even sending pictures of my kids to her.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 09/07/2017 10:31

keep no contact.

VestalVirgin · 09/07/2017 10:34

YANBU. What she and your father did to you and your sister was unforgivable.

(And I include your father in this - perhaps he wasn't so insistent that your sister be married to raped by your uncle, but he also didn't prevent it, did he?)

Can you get your sister out of there?

rinabean · 09/07/2017 10:35

that's horrible! I hope you don't blame yourself for what they did to your sister

I wouldn't send her the pics either. Even if she really really really thought it was okay to do it to you, she must have realised when you fled that it wasn't, but she still did it to your sister!

That's cruelty, you aren't being cruel!

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 09/07/2017 10:36

Send your sister the plane fare. Surely marrying your uncle is illegal in any culture?

user1499592148 · 09/07/2017 10:37

Vestal

This is something I have been talking to about DH. Attempting to get her out of the marriage. It really hurts to see her in such a state.

OP posts:
user1499592148 · 09/07/2017 10:37

ginger

Illegal in title but not in practice. Happens all the time where I am from.

OP posts:
Madbum · 09/07/2017 10:38

Of course YANBU can you help your sister? If forced marriage is normal in your culture their may be an organisation fighting against where she is, can you contact them and put them in touch with her?

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 09/07/2017 10:39

You owe her nothing. She wasn't there for you when you needed her. She is a terrible mother and same goes for your father.

Be confident in your decision and stick to your guns .

Well done on getting away x

Spadequeen · 09/07/2017 10:39

Do not let her worm her way in again. You have a happy settled life, keep it that way.

LouHotel · 09/07/2017 10:39

I think the strength it took for you to leave your family and start again is amazing and took so much courage against the patriarchy your grew up in.

I wouldnt look back, i would be worried your parents would try to instill beliefs in your children you dont believe in.

Is there a way of helping your sister out of her situation? Could you sponsor her to come to the UK?

girlywhirly · 09/07/2017 10:39

How did your mother contact you when she said she wanted to talk? I would be inclined to tell her that as far as you are concerned nothing has changed since she said you are no longer her child. In this case, it also means she is no longer your mother or your children's grandmother, she forfeited that right. Protect yourselves and have no more contact. They are deeply damaging.

HappyLollipop · 09/07/2017 10:41

Fuck them, what sort of parents wants their child to marry their drunken old uncle , they don't deserve to even pretend to be good grandparents, don't send them pictures of your children so they can brag about something they had nothing to do with. You did the right thing by getting away and starting a new life it's such a shame your sister also wasn't able to, keep them away from your children at all costs and try to help your sister out as much as possible.

user1499592148 · 09/07/2017 10:42

girlywhirly

Through my youngest sister. She knew we remained in contact.

Lou

The plane fare is not a problem. But the visa is. It was much easier for me to be granted indefinite leave here in the UK because I went to university here and was able to be employed. My sister hasn't done all that so it is so much harder for her.

OP posts:
Bunlicker · 09/07/2017 10:44

If you let her in it might make thing harder for your sister if she chose to leave and move with you

LouHotel · 09/07/2017 10:47

One way you could do it is invite her over for a holiday and then she claims asylum as she fears for her life due to spousal abuse. Contrary to popular belief our immigration policy is quite strigent so that might have a low success rate.

But you can sponsor family members to come to the uk, as you said it would be easier if she had skill. Could she do a nursing course where she currently is?

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 09/07/2017 10:48

I would be deeply suspicious that she only wants to get back in touch with you because Kate your going to help you sister escape and she wants to be able to stop it. Keep NC, she hasn't acted like a ,other to any of you and your DC don't deserve to have that influence in their lives. Focus on how to help your sister, you might need legal advice to see if there's way to get her a visa here.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 09/07/2017 10:49

*Kate = she thinks
*'other = mother

Darn autocorrect!

mayhew · 09/07/2017 10:49

There are voluntary organisations in this country with knowledge and experience of the sort of cultural abuses you and your sister experienced. Without knowing where you come from, I can't suggest a specific one, but I suggest you google for support organisations for women + your cultural group.
Eg Southall Black Sisters or Ashiana. They will have knowledge of these situations and possible sources of help for your sister in your country of origin.

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 09/07/2017 10:51

Yanbu at all!! I don't blame you for not letting her see your kids. Any input she would have would be toxic. You were so strong doing what you did and id continue doing the same as you are. Maybe head over to the toxic parent thread. "Stately homes" it's called. You'd find a lot of support on there Flowers

paxillin · 09/07/2017 10:57

No way, why does she even want contact, nothing changed? Does she have another alcoholic uncle who she wants your kids to marry?

NeitherKilnerNorMason · 09/07/2017 10:58

Your parents repulse me.

Try to save your sister.

Billben · 09/07/2017 11:04

Keep away from them. It will save you a lot of heartache in the future.

Bunbunbunny · 09/07/2017 11:06

Yanbu to keep the, cut off, regardless of cultural tradition there is no justification to make your children's lives miserable.

I feel for your poor sister, is there no way she could come over to study?

C8H10N4O2 · 09/07/2017 11:07

I cannot imagine resuming contact in that situation - the fact that your mother's attitude is focused on your 'cruelty' rather than her treatment of you would kill even a faint consideration.

I don't know what you can do to help a sister without a visa but these organisations:

www.karmanirvana.org.uk/
www.southallblacksisters.org.uk/

have helped other women I've known in forced rape arrangements. They may not be able to get your sister out but they may have useful information/connections.

user1495025590 · 09/07/2017 11:15

But from your opening post ' the culture favours males for everything. They take precedent and pretty much decide it all, from family dynamics to laws.' your DM maybe had no choice nit to go along with your DF's wishes.I think you are being a bit hard on your DM