I was hoping things would improve and he would help me more, but AIBU?

[user1490655749]

My husband and I are currently 'taking a break'. He is not living with me and our children while he is working through some mental health issues. I'm trying to keep things positive between us, he sees the children whenever he wants, we do activities as a family. However, I'm finding it really hard being the one who holds it all together while he dips in and out of our lives when it suits. For example, he said he would come over and have breakfast with the children this morning. He knows what time they wake up at and eat breakfast. He also knows the youngest has been ill and I have been frazzled. However when I texted him this morning to say the kids are up and looking for breakfast soon, he replied, oh well, can we do lunch instead, I want to go for a swim. Do I need to be realistic and accept this is the way it is for a lot of women and not get too angry? Ultimately the children are my responsibility, and I should be grateful that he is involved at all? Or is this crappy, selfish behaviour, and he should behave better than this?

Totally crappy and selfish.

You can realise this is how it is for many women and then get twice as angry!

Seriously, never ignore your emotions: they're usually telling you something.

No you shouldn't be grateful he's involved at all, and the kids aren't ultimately your responsibility. He's being a prick.
Mental health problems are hard, beyond hard, being trapped in your own head when it's conspiring against you is horrific. I've had significant MH issues for years, I'm in treatment now, but I still have responsibilities to my kids, I can't just drop them when I feel like it. He needs to get a grip, seek treatment, and step up.

What is my emotions are telling me to rip his head off??? It's all just so disappointing, I tell him all the time, I need more structure, I need more help, but he just messes me about and doesn't see what the issue is.

Mental health problems are hard, beyond hard, being trapped in your own head when it's conspiring against you is horrific.

I don't think I have ever seen MH issues summed up so perfectly in one sentence.

But to the OP - YANBU. Does he know how you feel?

You need to set boundaries and a timetable and stick to it. For example if his slot to join in is breakfast then if he can't do that then he can't come over later for lunch. Even if it's initially hard as then you don't have help either at breakfast or lunch if you don't he'll keep messing you around and stop you from getting in with life as you'll have to keep changing plans to suit him.

Maybe it's time to put some more rigid contact in place OP, not necessarily overnights if neither of you want this, but if he knows that the afternoon is his contact time and he won't get anymore till next allotted time hopefully he'll pull his socks up.
I wouldn't be on a break with someone who treats your time and the children's time with such little regard, I'd be calling a halt to the relationship.

can we do lunch instead, I want to go for a swim.

Answer: "No, the invite is for breakfast only".

X-post Josie, completely agree

He does know how I feel, and I have explained again and again that I need more structure and organisation. He talks a good game and agrees at the time, but then continues to behave in the same way. He is so caught up in himself and how he is feeling, that is always the priority.

Babs has it, you are allowed to say no even when you are being supportive

His words and his actions don't match up.

Make sure yours do. Protect your routine and structure as far as you can. Don't change your plans to suit him if he's opted out of what you planned together.

At the risk of annoying many people I am going to post a statement made to me recently. Have been supporting my cousin through anxiety and depression and during a phone call she told me, 'This is a very selfish illness. You can think of nothing else but how you feel. You know you are making unfair and unreasonable demands on people but you do it anyway because you are consumed by what is going on in your head. You have no interest in anyone else it is a vile thing.' I sometimes think that people who suffer with these terrible mental health problems have no idea of the impact and the toll they take on others. My cousin was only able to see this as she thankfully recovered and became her old selfless cheerful and happy self. Anyone dealing with this has all my sympathy.

OP as harsh at it seems I'd set a timetable for what the kids and you need from him, lay it out bluntly. He either steps up or doesn't. Unfortunately you can't force someone to parent, through bitter experience I discovered this, and had to step back for my own sanity (quite literally, that wasn't a flippant comment) and for DS1s welfare. I'm sorry he's mucking you and the kids about, it just isn't fair.

Voiceforreason, I don't think your point is annoying, I totally get what you're saying, I suppose that's why the situation is so hard, on one hand I know he is struggling and I want to help him, but on the other hand, he is not helping himself and it's impacting me and the children.