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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that my 6 yr old son will always prefer his dad to me?

18 replies

Ferrousfumerate1 · 08/07/2017 22:08

They've always been close. DH is a terrific dad in every way. And DS adores him. He always seems to want him. It's not that he doesnt want me but if he had a choice, it would always be DH. Tonight - he's not well - he got up to go for a wee and he called out 'dad'. Such a small thing but it was like a knife in me. I had lain with him before he fell asleep. Soothed him. And it's never enough, it seems.

I realiSe this isn't about me - but of course, it does become about me and how hurt it makes me.

And I also think on some level DH loves being in that role and does his subtle best to be that person who is called for.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 08/07/2017 22:49

In the kindest way possible, YABU. Relationships between parent and child change so much. The way things are now isn't the way they'll be forever. Stop worrying about your DH and DS's bond and concentrate on just maintaining a good relationship with your son. It will be okay.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 08/07/2017 22:56

You need to read Raising Boys. 4-8 is key male time.

TheweewitchRoz · 09/07/2017 14:29

No advice but you have my sympathy Op as it's exactly the same with my 6 yr old.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/07/2017 14:34

I'm the favoured parent with both dd 3 and 5. I find it suffocating and would love dh to be the chosen one for a change! But I'm not insecure and I know they love me. Do you feel insecure? I'd be happy dh is such a fantastic dad.

nornironrock · 09/07/2017 14:36

I have that with my daughter, I've always been number one.... Mum is very much loved, but we spent a lot of time together when she was very small, and it seems to have kind of just stayed that way... My son, on the other had.... There's a picture of him in the dictionary next to Mummy's Boy. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so attached to another human!

I think it's just an accident of circumstance, and I'm sure he loves you just as much!

OldHabitsDieHard · 09/07/2017 15:16

I feel your pain and sympathise wholeheartedly. My daughter is three and is all about her daddy. I try not to take it to heart, and id never let on that it bothers me, but it stings sometimes. Im about to have dc2 and im worried it'll push her away even more.

stella23 · 09/07/2017 16:02

What do you do with him? Do you have a shared interest? Are you the enforcer and dh the good guy?

Introvertedbuthappy · 09/07/2017 16:22

It is the same with my 8 year old. If ever he stays overnight in hospital it is DH who he has to stay, it's DH he cries for when upset. He, like your DH is a brilliant Dad. Some days it gets to me more than others, especially when, like you say you take them out for a fun day out, play lots of fun things and then they act like the world has ended if DH has to work late (yet not when I need to).

DS has a great relationship with me, we are very similar in that we can be hot headed and stubborn at times whereas DH is more pragmatic and measured. Try not to make it personal, I know it's difficult.

Original poster

Ferrousfumerate1 · 09/07/2017 16:39

Introverted - I could have written your post. It mirrors our relationship. We are really close - we are a close family - but we are both very wilful whereas DH is more gentle. But we both do a lot of stuff with him, and we are both the enforcers of discipline.

It does hurt. He's my only child. But my love is unconditional, and always will be, and I keep telling myself this.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 09/07/2017 16:45

YABU. He's six. What he needs now isn't the same as he'll need in ten years time, or twenty years time. Except that what he needs at all those times is both of you, in different ways. Parenting isn't competition, it's a team game. Try to be pleased that he has such a close relationship with his dad. But you'll always be his mum.

Original poster

Ferrousfumerate1 · 09/07/2017 16:47

Bridget - I get that. I do.

OP posts:

withouttea · 09/07/2017 16:54

I had this with my DD when she was little. To be fair, I had some issues (MH) and her Dad was probably more straight-forward at the time. I relate to feeling awful about it, OP.

You mentioned feeling worried it would always be like this. It's very unlikely indeed to 'always' be like this. Children change so much! They have more phases than they do underwear!

It's also worth thinking about where your strengths lie. Maybe you are better with older kids, and find the thankless grind of small kids really relentless. I did. I loved her, but it gets increasingly interesting for me as she gets older, and the challenges of 12.5 are really more my sort of thing (although also hard in a different way). DD's Dad is finding her harder and harder as she gets more opinionated and pushes boundaries. Babies were much easier for him. I love my highly independent girl, and love talking stuff through, challenging her to substantiate her opinions, talk about how she wants to be in friendships, school, the world. It's amazing.

It may not be your time to shine, but your day will come. You sound fab. You know the fact you are even worried about this means you are a highly reflective and caring parent, right? (If a bit hard on yourself)

Elephant17 · 09/07/2017 16:57

Xmasbaby11

If you are the favourite parent, of course you wouldn't feel insecure. If your children favoured their dad over you, you may well feel insecure or at least a bit sad that they didn't want you at their most vulnerable times.

Op you are not BU, I would feel the same way in this situation I'm sure 💐 of course he loves you very much, you are his mummy and I bet he'd be lost if you were away!

Elephant17 · 09/07/2017 16:58

Sorry op- I meant y

Original poster

Ferrousfumerate1 · 09/07/2017 16:58

Thanks so much, withouttea...i just shed a tear! In a good way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ferrousfumerate1 · 09/07/2017 17:00

Thanks Elephant. Yes, I agree. It's a bit frustrating to be questioned about my insecurities when it is the situation that is making me feel insecure. I have a dear friend who I adore who knows her two kids would go to her over her DH in a hear beat, and there's also a smugness there that I find a bitter pill to swallow.

OP posts:

Elephant17 · 09/07/2017 17:00

Whoops! You are not U to feel this way but I'm sure it won't always be like this! Is what that was meant to say.

Luckymummy22 · 09/07/2017 17:39

I know how you feel l. My youngest has favoured his dad since about 9 months old. He's nearly 3 now and there is times when it's broke my heart. I am not insecure and I know he loves me just as much. I can comfort him when his dad is not there but if we are both there, then it's his dad that he wants so I let him be.
My husband finds it tough at times as my boy can be pretty intense.
My daughter was always a mummy's girl though. Not to the same extent but mummy has always been the favourite. Although when she was in hospital the other day it was daddy she wanted, not mummy and I found that hard. But she has found my sons behaviour to his daddy he's to bear.

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