in wanting to yank a friend out of an abusive relationship?

[ChocolateHelps]

I met up with a darling friend today and heard all about her totally abusive partner. She is too scared to leave in case he either kills himself or hurts her pet or her children. She is scared she won't be able to buy a house on her own or rent. How can I support her? I wish there was something practical I could do!

I know it's not as simple as LTB...although I really wish she would :-(

www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2014/oct/20/domestic-private-violence-women-men-abuse-hbo-ray-rice

Could you help her to get in touch with Women's Aid?

Do you live far enough away to be relatively safe?
Can she give you the pet and tell her husband she got rid of it / it died?

Children babysat by you or another friend while she goes out with her partner, then she goes to the toilet and escapes through the back door of the restaurant?

Of course it would be preferable if police was of any help, but sadly, they often don't take male domestic violence as seriously as they should.

So it might pay to make alternative plans.

(If he threatens to commit suicide, she can call police. But I don't think there's a high risk he'd kill himself; it is just another form of abuse to threaten to)

Unfortunately you can't force her to leave nor can you pressurise her to, not that I think you would. However there are options you could contact your local woman's aid for help and advice. If there isn't one near enough to give any practical help then depending on her financial circumstances you could look into applying for housing benefit /council tax benefit their are simple online forms and benefit calculator you can use

www.gov.uk > benefits calculator

She can also apply for a council /ha home and with her trying to leave dv she'll be a priority, these forms can all be done online and she can ask for only email responses if safe or use your address as a care of address. Also there are some very good online dv support groups who can help her get the emotional counciling she will need (a local one would be best ) or your local nhs Website should have information about them.
You can check all this out in advance then sit her down for a quiet gentle chat and show her that she does have options and choices and that it's her choice and you'll support her whatever she decides to do. She can set everything up in advance so when the time comes it's just getting everyone out safely
Hope that helps

that's all really useful. I think I will find out what I can about local options especially the council home as a priority because of DV and also the benefits calculator. Local support for DV, from a quick google, looks pretty good in terms of having a page on the council website and joined up thinking with police and other support services.

I totally agree that threatening suicide is a form of control / abuse...it's all her fault apparently, everything is. Just so so sad!

I left my abusive ex.
It's really hard and you have to be clever.
I packed small things into my normal bags for the kids ( passports, marriage certificate, kids trust fund books, birth certificate etc) things I knew I would need I managed to get stuff in black bags I was desperate for, kids memory boxes and get them in the boot of my car ( that my mum bought me as he took my car off me, so he couldn't as my mum bought it me, I used to hide the keys in my boots and literally walk on them so he couldn't get them)
It took a good few weeks if it into months to plan. He was threatening to take the kids of me if I ever left saying I wouldn't get custody as he had me hook, line and sinker, everything was in his name ! I would walk with nothing. ( There is a reason why but I can't go into this, nor even being married entitled me to half )
It's a risk I had to try take.

One day he smashed up my belongings as I was talking to a friend on Fb ( male ) so that's the day I went. I said I needed to go to the shops.

I picked the kids up early from school and ran!
Never went back.

He did end up taking the kids, this is where I went wrong.

My advice is get her to the police, take her out the area so nobody sees you, get there advice. Woman's aid ring up, a bloody good DV solicitor lined up with court papers ready to serve in case he does take them. You can get an emergency hearing within 3 days if he takes them. Get free half hour solicitor can take you through getting safe contact in place protecting your friend and kids or no contact, they can help you judge that situation and a house be it crashing with someone, a housing association , family or shelter refuge place.

The above I didn't do. ( I did move in with family )
As much as I planned when he did take them I had to wait nearly a week to get in court as it fell on a weekend.

He told me he was going to commit suicide after I got the kids back. ....
I told him to get on with it, he only said it once. He told me he had cancer, he told me I would never meet anyone as good, he told me nobody would want me, he told me I was worthless, he turned everyone against me with lies.

It took years but now 1 DC has nothing to do with him. 2nd DC only sees him because he's his dad, a useless one at that.
I have an order now that he's not allowed anywhere near me.

It's really hard but it's sooo worth it!

Good luck

What a journey crazylady you sound incredibly strong and determined

I'm not. I ended up needing years of therapy.
I still suffer PTSD.
But I'm out, my kids are safe , you don't really have a choice but to be strong through it. It's after I had a breakdown.

I'm glad you're safe

Thank you :)