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I have a feeling IABU (Long with backstories)

5 replies

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 08/07/2017 20:16

First of all, excuse the ramble, I have a stonking cold virus and it's knocking me for six at the moment.

I'll start with my mothers backstory to save confusion.. My mother raised me without my dad, I had a step dad for 8 years but knew early on he wasn't my father, it didn't bother me. We moved from one end of the country to the other when I was 10, she's admitted herself many times that this was for "drugs and parties". I have two younger brothers, one 4 years younger and one 10 years younger.

The way my mother treats me compared to my brothers is different and sometimes downright appalling, every time something was wrong with me, it was met with a lot of anger and distance, the first major thing was depression as a teenager, she broke the bathroom door to pieces, called me the usual names and threw me out, we had massive fallings out A LOT but the next huge one was when I was undergoing diagnosis for M.E. She called me a liar, she bitched to my family about me lying and she threw me out. A year later I moved into her as I was bedridden almost entirely.

Don't get the impression she 'nursed' me though, I had to fend for myself, if I didn't cook, I didn't eat, for 2 years I was sharing a room with my youngest brother and she thought it'd be that awkward for me I'd make a miraculous recovery. It took 4years to convince her I wasn't lying.

Now, I have a 2 year old dd and a dp and live 35 miles away, it's a pretty one sided relationship. I've always tried to make her like me. I've done everything for her including buy her a car (used but still), decorate, lend her money etc etc. I am always there for her.

Yesterday, I quit. We had a huge row about something relatively stupid and she put the phone down on me. Fine.

The DP. He suffers from depression and social anxiety. Apart from work (which he does around 6 months a year) I do everything. The bills and general finances, the childcare, the appointments, shopping, phonecalls etc. I didn't get even a few hours away from my dd for 15 months, this has changed a bit now, but because he doesn't go out (apart from self employed work with his dad), my "time off" is usually shopping for food. I hate shopping but hey it's time.

We have a lot of trouble with the neighbours, our walls are paper thin and we can hear them having conversations. (I know it's not the same back, we tested it when we fed their dog, they have straight plasterboard and nothing inbetween our walls which they have speakers on) they play music at all hours, for 36 hours straight once, LOUD. We can't get away from it, all our walls apart from dd's is on their wall. We've done all the 'right things' about this.

Anyway! 4 months ago I lost my baby due to hyperemesis (I've posted before), 3 months of hospital admissions, drugs etc. I'm struggling, I have a gp appointment soon to get things rolling.

Today was the final straw really. I'm pretty ill, I had to go out shopping for a few presents for dps nieces and nephews as there's a party tomorrow and dd is going. I got home, cooked tea and then got in a bath, just for 20 minutes I wanted the dark and to lie down. DP just lost it a few times with dd(she's almost 3 and is pretty bright), she's a super kid, usually extremely well behaved, the only time she's naughty is because she's ill generally. I keep telling him, stop telling her you're going to smack her bum or put her to bed or take her toys, just use the god damn naughty step!

I lost it at him when I had to get out of the bath and found my dd on the floor almost being sick he'd upset her so much. I told him he's not responsible to look after dd whilst he's so stressed and I'm sick of it. I have no one, I have no friends or family, just one big fucking headache.

He's stressed, I keep saying that but it's true, he's grieving about the baby too and I honestly just think he has no idea how to help me and what with the neighbour thing it's just yeah.. but I need help! I feel like I'm drowning. I'm not perfect, I'm snappy with dd (But hold my temper) but I've told 2 members of family to go fuck themselves in as many days. The thought of leaving is a tempting one but I'm not going to so LTB is not helpful right now. We're trying to move house as it's do dp a world of good not to live her any more, and me for that matter.

I just need a break you know. I shouldn't have said what I said to either mum or dp but I'm extremely tired of it all. I need to apologise but I honestly don't want to take a word of it back.

Sorry anyway this is very very long.

OP posts:

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 08/07/2017 20:24

Sorry to any one that's going to read all that and those that might reply. I need to go to bed I feel like death. I will get back to tomorrow (Or later if sleep doesn't come) Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

RiversrunWoodville · 08/07/2017 20:58

So sorry for your loss Flowers. It's really tough to grieve though physical and mental illness so although it's a cliche try to be kind to yourself. I think hard though it is you will probably find you are better off nc with your mum she sounds as though no matter what you do it won't be good enough and you don't need that right now so embrace that for the sake of your own family.
True your DP is also grieving and on top of depression that can be crippling but sometimes it can be easy for both partners to get lost in their own grief and pain and not realise the impact on the other maybe he needs to hear how hard things are for you not just emotionally but physically too with your illness.
Do you have any friends or other family who could help even short term just to give you a break? I hope the move comes through soon here's some Wine to help you sleep


MapMyMum · 08/07/2017 22:57

You can apologise for the way you said things, but say that you meant what you said, just that you wish youd said it in a calmer more tactful way


buckeejit · 09/07/2017 12:48

Sorry for you loss. The only thing I could say is try to aim for 1 thing-maybe don't shout so when you're in a stressful situation you say 'this isn't helping progress anything & is making things worse so maybe we can take. 20 minute break to calm ourselves & try to talk productively again without art king each other.

Your mother sounds like she's not benefitting your life so maybe minimise contact- birthday/Christmas cards & the odd call to see how you go. Hope things improve for you Flowers


BlahBlahBlahEtc · 09/07/2017 14:23

Hi all, sorry for being MIA! I have a flu virus and a cracking headache! Thanks for all your advice. I did apologise to dp last night, I told him what he means to me and that it's the whole stress of everything right now which is why I shouted how I did..

He went and had a few words with next door earlier so I think he's a bit less stressed.

As for my mother, I think I've just reached the point of no return with her now. She's not a bad person but she's incredibly self involved, she can never see anything from any one elses point of view and even the most minor thing becomes a slagging match. I've been cutting down contact for a couple of months, I'll be increasing this still .

Thanks a lot for your replies.

OP posts:
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