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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop eating with DP?

35 replies

cunningstunnt · 08/07/2017 19:27

My DP is almost 22 stone and wants to lose weight. He can't/won't exercise due to an old sports injury but has a fairly active job. He's downloaded MyFitnessPal and logs his food, but as far as I know in 6 weeks hasn't lost anything (he lost 2lb then put 2lb back on). My belief is he's not being honest about his food intake/portion sizes.

Last weekend when we went out I really struggled to deal with his obsession with food. He had a huge lunch (full rack of ribs with sides etc), because he said if he ate now he would eat 'light' for dinner. So on the way home we bought a sandwich meal deal which I knew I probably wouldn't even eat. Within hours he was talking about ordering pizza or fried chicken, and although I didn't want to eat eventually we ended up at an Italian place.

What shocked me though was that I was on 1/4 of the way through my pizza, and he had already inhaled his. He barely even chewed it. His only comment was, 'oh, I must have been hungry'.

On the way home he suggested getting ice cream and snacks for later. I was uncomfortably full and told him so and he eventually dropped it. But I know that if he'd been alone he would have eaten more. It actually put me off seeing him for a few days because I ended up overeating myself and I felt unwell afterwards.

Today I suggested we go to the Harvester, have a huge salad while we wait for our food, and then hopefully he wouldn't eat so much of his main meal. i.e. fill up on healthier stuff first.

I went to the salad bar and had a pretty standard cucumber, tomatoes, sweetcorn, olives, onions, lettuce, croutons, bit of coleslaw etc.

He came back with a bowlful of noodles and pasta Shock. No salad. There was not a single thing in his bowl that had ever been living!

This is coming between us. It's him that wants to lose weight, as in it wasn't my idea and I'm not pushing him, but I can see he's making all the wrong choices. I actually find a bigger guy attractive, but I am very concerned about the impact this is having on his health. Plus having seen the way he's blindly obsessed with food and yet when he gets it barely even chews it before it's gone makes me think that there's more to this than just saying 'eat healthy'.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can help him? I'm out of ideas Sad Do I just leave him to it (he's an adult that knows about nutrition after all) and just not eat out with him anymore? I don't know how many more times I can sit and watch someone inhale a full rack of ribs in literally 5 minutes.

OP posts:
suffolknclose · 08/07/2017 19:31

YANBU that would drive me bonkers.

What was his reason for attempting losing weight? Doesn't sound very committed to be honest and I'd struggle to find that sort of behaviour attractive.

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 08/07/2017 19:39

Does he want to lose weight or is he saying that as a response to comments about his weight?

If he genuinely does, then he will.

RenaissanceBunny · 08/07/2017 19:40

I only really get on with my fitness pal if I eat ready meal type things at home - they are portion controlled and clearly state the calories. If I cook for myself I always overcook. At restaurants I choose from the say 5 least calorific options so I don't have to have salad when actually paying for a nice meal.

hula008 · 08/07/2017 19:42

Going out every weekend to eat won't be helpful - maybe not suggesteig the Harvester (known for big portions) might be a better way of helping him.

ohamIreally · 08/07/2017 19:45

Agreed don't eat out. I was shocked when I went to a Wetherspoons with my mum and even the pretty standard meals were about 1200 calories.

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/07/2017 19:46

I couldn't do it, I'd want to eat out and enjoy a nice meal out together with chatting etc, not just watching someone stuff themselves.
other than telling him exactly how you feel, I'm not sure what you can do.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 08/07/2017 19:49

He needs to get to the root cause of why his eating habits are so poor before he even bothers trying lose weight; he needs a counsellor not a diet. Does he think he has disordered eating or does he think how he eats is normal and perfectly OK?

instrifeagain · 08/07/2017 19:50

Try watching "secret eaters" program, on the channel 4 website. It really motivated me to cut portion sizes and lose weight. I use My fitness pal too.

luckylucky24 · 08/07/2017 20:11

He really needs a wake up call. Do you ever cook together? Maybe you could suggest some healthy meal. If he wants a big portion, then a big portion of veg on the side would help. At least he wouldn't be filling up on crap.

KungFuEric · 08/07/2017 20:13

How long have you been together?

TheoriginalLEM · 08/07/2017 20:24

Can you go on a "diet" with him? my fitness pal only works for me when I do it with DP, we are both being a bit crap just now being about half way to our targets.

What did it for us was that we both had high blood pressure and got a bit scared so upped our activity and went on "diets". Cut out takeaways and shite - those are creeping back so we are both going to have to get back on track. Having lost a couple of stone each we are much more active so it does give leeway.

I'd be putting the fear of bejaysus up him, 22 stone is dangerously overweight, if he doesn't do something it WILL shorten his life, I had to face up to this fact myself (15 stone and 5'2" am now 12.5 stone and able to run 5-10k twice a week). It hasn't taken that long and I feel a million times better for it.

Like I say, I can only do it when my DP is on board.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 08/07/2017 20:30

i had a friend that was similar but I hated going for dinner with them because they'd be finished their meal before I had picked up my fork.

I ended up really nagging them over it as I'd feel like he was sitting staring at me eating my food or hoping I'd offer them some.

I don't think people realise how much their poor eating habits get in the way of their social life as well as relationships.

PosiePootlePerkins · 08/07/2017 20:31

Unfortunately OP he will only change if he wants to do it. I say this as someone who has struggled with yoyo dieting and binge eating for all of my adult life. (Have finally found peace of mind with the NoS diet)
No amount of nagging, commenting on what he's eating, discussing diets or healthy options will make him change, it sounds as if he is in the throws of a binge eating disorder and will only conquer it when he's ready, and probably with a lot of support. If this is a deal breaker for you (and I understand that it could well be) then it would be kinder to make the break sooner rather than later.

lovelysquish · 08/07/2017 20:31

Following. I'm at the same problem.

I don't eat with dp much anymore as it's the same. Inhaling food then complaining of feeling hungry. Yet keeps going on about his weight.

squoosh · 08/07/2017 20:32

I agree that he might benefit from counselling. His lust for food seems to go beyond loving his grub and just being a bit greedy. He sounds like a food addict who is eating his emotions (excuse the psycho babble speak). Has he always been big or is it a recent thing?

Toffeelatteplease · 08/07/2017 20:35

He doesn't want to lose weight.

If he did want to lose weight he would.

There's nothing you can do about it

I say this as someone who has lost a lot of weight with My Fitness Pal. You have to be ready.

Original poster
cunningstunnt · 08/07/2017 21:12

He doesn't want to eat in as is in a dirty houseshare and I'm living with my parents.

What I don't get is that someone his height and weight can get through 3500 calories lying in bed all day. What the hell is he eating if he's putting on weight and why the hell isn't he losing it when following my fitness pal on 2200 calories?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 08/07/2017 21:17

If you aren't honest about portion sizes on my fitness pal it won't work. I love the app personally and have lost 2.5 stone on it but I am very honest about what I eat - even when it's been a bad day!- and I adjust the following day or later on accordingly. I also find the exercise calories burnt useful- for me I've started walking 2 hours most days and I honestly think that's how I've lost most of the weight. It deducts the calories burnt from your daily allowed calories so you know you can eat more. As you can tell I genuinely love the app. But if he's not using it properly he may as well not bother. You do need lots of willpower.

squoosh · 08/07/2017 21:19

He lies in bed all day eating?

Do you really want to be with this guy?

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 08/07/2017 21:22

He lies in bed all day? 😳

Original poster
cunningstunnt · 08/07/2017 21:24

squoosh I mean IF he lies in bed all day, that's what he burns.

If I do 10k steps, I still struggle to break 2000 calories. That was my point.

He has an active job and works hard, so is burning even more than 3500 calories. I struggle to work out how he finds the time to even eat that much lighthearted

OP posts:
alldaysleeper · 08/07/2017 21:35

DH talked and talked for several years about losing weight, 21st 9lbs at his worst but was never actually really ready to do anything about it other than half-arsed attempts with gym membership etc but not changing anything about his eating. When he really was ready he changed eating habits totally, started walking short distances which he slowly increased and has now lost 2 and a half stone in 3 months so about half way to his goal, difference is he really wanted to change this time. I'm afraid it can be that simple

Gingernaut · 08/07/2017 21:47

Are there any Man v. Fat initiatives anywhere near you?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-birmingham-40406458/man-v-fat-football-helps-overweight-men-lose-half-tonne-in-weight-in-12-weeks

MeltingSnowflake · 08/07/2017 21:58

I agree that it sounds like he's addicted to food tbh - he probably needs to address the underlying issues, otherwise he'll never be able to stick to a diet.

Would he go to his GP and see what they recommend?

Original poster
cunningstunnt · 09/07/2017 04:07

I agree MeltingSnowflake. If I had done the same thing but our venues had revolved around alcohol (let's go to a pub, drink x amount, let's go to another pub, let's get more on the way home etc) you would definitely think I had a problem! Why is this any different? Im not fat bashing but clearly there is something else going on here... and tbh it scares me as I dont know thexactly solution.

OP posts: