To push my Son to talk about his bruise?

[knobblykneesandturnedouttoes]

Hi all, I noticed a bruise on my Sons leg today. Quite big with a graze on it, yet not a 'serious' injury. When I asked where he got it, he at first said someone accidentally ran into him on a bike on the way home from school. After I'd asked a few questions, he admitted that the person was being nasty and had done it on purpose after a conversation they'd had. I asked for more details and he said he didn't want to talk about it. We are on our way to a party so I've told him we don't have to talk now, but I will talk this evening about it or tomorrow. He says he doesn't want to talk at all and became quite sulky and seemed upset about it. He's 12. He thinks I'm unreasonable to insist on knowing what happened. I'm not am I?

I should probably add that I have noticed a significant change in his overall mood lately, but had put it down to puberty, and moving house, new school which he started 3 months ago and seems happy at. I suspect bullying now.

It depends tbh. If you feel this was a case of bullying by all means broach the subject again, don't push him on it however. He may be worried that you're going to go in all guns blazing and make the situation worse, or he may feel embarrassed/ashamed. If that's the case then you need to proceed gently, make sure he knows you're not going to take any action he doesn't agree with and if I was you i would just keep a closer eye on things for now.

But it could also be a case of he got into a fight and is worried he will get into trouble for it. Has he been having any issues at school/home with other kids?

Is the other person from the school? Do you know the schools policy on bullying?

I does seem like a reaction to his being bullied. And it's physical so you do need to intervene.

My son had the brakes on his bike broken on purpose by his bully. Though I'm glad to say the school dealt with it extremely well, if they hadn't of I'd have gone to the police after the bike brake incident (which was the final act of bullying, the bully is now back in school but I don't think he is given an inch).

As far as I know there haven't been any issues at school. Had parents evening recently and his teachers said he has settled well and has friends. He's never been bullied before, and has had one incident of 'fighting' in his previous school but it was between friends and they made up immediately, with him telling me all about it.

I don't know if it's someone from school, we didn't get to that bit, but I assume so.

Could it possibly be a one off incident. There might have been an argument in the conversation.

Frustrating he won't talk to you, but not unusually.

I agree you should inform him you won't go gung ho into the school; though tell him you are concerned he's being bullied and you may need to (quietly) contact his form tutor is you can get no information from him as if there's been other incidents.

I think you're right, it needs a further discussion. He's usually quite open with me so it's worrying. I'm not the all guns blazing type so he needn't worry about that but I will reassure him.

It is possibly that the conversation was him saying something not too nice so doesn't want to tell you.

With one of my sons when I suspected he had behaved in not nice way he was very resistant to telling me. I pretty much told him that whatever it was I wouldn't be angry - took a bit of 'you need to tell me before he cracked.

That said he could of course be innocent of everything and being bullied. So I think you need to initiate the comment with reassurance you won't react either way (angry or upset and wanting amends).

Hope you get to the bottom of it whatever is going on.

Turns out it is bullying. Always verbal until this incident with the bike which involved the bully asking him 'why are you so weird?' My son refused to answer, he slammed the bike into his leg, my son refused to answer again, so he rammed him harder. My son fell over then crossed the road away from him. The verbal bullying has been happening every day for a few weeks. He is going to decide on Monday if he wants me to inform someone at the school. I explained that I would have to inform them if it continues to be physical. He says he doesn't care about the name calling etc, he just ignores it.

I'm so glad he told me. I was bullied for years at school and never told anyone. I regret it now, it destroyed my self esteem. He also says he feels better for talking about it.

Your poor ds. I fuckin despise bullies. As well as bullying its also assault.

I can certainly understand him being afraid. Who wouldn't be at 12 years old, but. This needs nipping in the bud now. Please don't wait for it to become even more physical.

He's a very brave boy. And Thank goodness he spoke up.

Oh OP , push it and push some more
Bullying is toxic and kids feel ashamed and humiliated and scared
The more you try and get data the more he will realise this is not acceptable

Yanbu

He was great in the end, really calm when explaining what had been happening. It doesn't sound to be too serious (the verbal stuff that's happening in school) which is why I've left it up to him at the moment, and the one who hurt him is the 'main one'. That particular day he was walking a different way home as he needed to call at my mums so it's not someone he will encounter on the way to or from school usually. So I'm fairly confident it won't happen again.

My Son is a very quiet type. Small group of friends, they spend their lunchtimes in the library and keep themselves to themselves. I know he's probably doing this in part to avoid mixing with the bullies.

As he's new to the school, he doesn't know the bullies names yet, or he doesn't want to tell me in case I go marching to school demanding justice, but he says he will try and find out their names. He has agreed that it might be sensible to write an email to his head of year explaining the situation and asking her to keep an eye on it. So I'll definitely do that.

I'm just so so upset for him. Knowing what it did to me means I know exactly how he's feeling. Bullies really have no idea the damage they do.
Hopefully we can put a stop to it ASAP.

It's not that I want to wait for it to become more physical, it's just that I promised I would respect his wishes and tread gently. So I wouldn't want to then go against him if he asked me not to get involved.

Oh sorry to hear it's bullying. Great that he's opened up to you though. Awful situation.

I hope he allows you to speak to the school and it gets dealt with.

I really wish I hadn't told him I wouldn't tell the school if he didn't want me to. He's gone to school and doesn't want me to do anything at all. I don't want to betray his trust. I also don't want to let the bullies get away with it. I feel completely useless.

Does he have a 'head of year' teacher? Is there any chance you could have a word in their ear to just keep an eye out for him at school and tell them that DS doesn't want anyone to know at this stage?

Children never want parents to try and deal with bullying, because they are often ashamed they are being bullied, and also feel like it will make the bullying worse. I don't think that ignoring and avoiding a bully often works very well.

I actually think that parents need to take the lead and deal with bullying in a very proactive way. Not telling the school sends the message that if something horrible happens there is no solution, and that it is somehow ok for someone to be horrible to someone else. It is never ok for this to happen and it can be fixed if the school is really good at dealing with it (lots aren't).

It is great that your son was able to talk to you about it, and I think you should try to get details of the verbal bullying, which shouldn't be minimised as it is every bit as damaging as physical bullying and a lot harder to deal with.

Have you photographed the bruise at its worst? See if you can get a list of incidents and mean things that have been said, and see if you can get him to understand why it is important not to brush cruelty and injustice under the carpet.

My son was bullied at this age, and I also noticed a change in his mood, which other people said would just be "teenage hormones". Eventually, he broke down and said: "There must be something wrong with me or they wouldn't hate me so much". It was heartbreaking. It is wonderful that your son is strong enough not to feel this way, and strong enough to be able to talk about it.

Yes you need to contact the school regardless - inform them he doesn't want you to though. They need to be aware.

My contact when my son was being bullied was his form tutor.

Have you looked up the schools bullying policy?

I have photographed the bruise. He is insisting he doesn't want me to talk to the school. I just feel that I said 'I promise' (big mistake now I realise) and I want him to trust that I mean what I say. He said school was ok yesterday and he didn't see the bullies. He doesn't even know their names so I'm not sure anything can be done at the moment. I will look up their bullying policy now. I suppose I could send an email to his head of year but just be quite vague and ask that they keep an eye on things without giving details of what happened.

I understand that you need to respect your promise. I think keep him talking and convince him to let you keep a record of all incidents. It would be very easy to identify the bullies.

At some point he may reluctantly agree to discuss the situation with someone at school, (or the problem may go away I guess).