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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to visit MIL

22 replies

sassylocks · 08/07/2017 12:27

I've always gotten on well with my MIL for the most part but due to her increasing "comments". I can't help but want to avoid her now. It's her birthday coming up and I really don't want to visit her because it means that I'm basically writing off having a nice weekend and I work (sorry WORK Wink) hard in the week and don't want to have a crap weekend if I can avoid it. Since DD arrived she's been unbearable, even when I was pregnant with some private complications she took it upon herself to tell every Tom dick and bloody Harry about the matters when specifically asked not to talk about it, which in her opinion was justified as she was worried about it...on top of giving me weeks of stress harping on about being at the hospital when DD was born because she wants to be there to "support" DH... then turned the water works on because she couldn't get her own way, even though no other relatives were allowed at the hospital. She couldn't understand why I didn't want another spectator in the room to witness me shit myself whilst trying to get a human out of me. Then when DD was born she had to have surgery and my phone was constantly going off to her demands of wanting to see DD and guilt tripping me, when she had a bad cold and said I was being OTT when I said no. Basically I'm on the edge the whole time I'm in her presence wondering what stupid comment she's going to make next and I just don't want to face it. But I know that if I don't take DD for a visit on her birthday she will be fuming and make a huge deal out of it and this as a result will likely have more remarks to follow about how sad she was etc etc. AIBU? Should I just accept she's going to be like this now she's a grandma?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 08/07/2017 12:34

Sounds like your going to get comments either way so who gives a fuck?
Don't go.
How's old is DC could DH take her?
Why write of a whole weekend? Are a couple of hours no good?
Why isn't DH dealing with her demands?

happypoobum · 08/07/2017 12:38

Excellent use of the word WORK Grin

I had a MIL like yours. She barged her way into the delivery room when I was having my first - she just bullied the nurses into admitting her.

You are an adult and you don't have to spend any time with anyone if you don't want to. How old is DD now?

You don't mention DP/DH? Could he take DD for a visit without you? How far away is it?

Original poster
sassylocks · 08/07/2017 12:44

Fish your right, I probably will get comments either way. DD is now 5 months old. Sorry I didn't make it clear in my post, we only live locally but it will make me miserable if we go, it will only take about 4 hours tops for a visit but she brings out the worst in me and I find it hard to forget them easily. DH would have no issues taking DD himself but DD is very clingy to me at the moment as she is cutting a tooth right now plus MIL is too much for her as well as she cries when she sees her! Lol

OP posts:
Effendi · 08/07/2017 12:52

No advice but my sympathies. I have to bribe my husband to visit my Mum with me. I don't want to go myself!

ClopySow · 08/07/2017 12:59

Leave it up to your husband to deal with. He can take her, deal with the crying and clinginess and come home.

weekendwonder · 08/07/2017 13:03

Same for me, and I won't visit without DH although MIL keeps asking, for her own purposes probably. Her nosiness, taking offence and endless gossip just hit me in a tidal wave. I try, for DH's sake, but can't wait to leave. The next meeting is a family celebration and I am seriously thinking of getting something like valium from the GP - even if I don't actually take it, there might be some kind of placebo effect.

stella23 · 08/07/2017 13:34

Why can dh take dd to her gm?

BertrandRussell · 08/07/2017 13:41

You said you used to get on OK- but she behaved badly around the birth of your baby and that's ruined the relationship. Is it possible for you to draw a line under that as both of you being hyper sensitive and worried and not managing the situation well? Could you consciously try to set the relationship back to zero again and try again to get back to cordial tolerance? For your own sake. You really don't want to be feeling the way your're feeling now for the next however many years......

RenaissanceBunny · 08/07/2017 13:50

Could you treat MIL to tea and cake in a cafe somewhere - that way you will be with her for about an hour say and then there is a natural end to your time together. Might be easier than going to hers and being guilt tripped into spending forever there.

DoveBlue · 08/07/2017 13:55

I'd let your DH take DD start as you mean to go on. Between the two of them they should be able to handle baby for few hours. Your DD will probably be fine when they can't see you. Also if local can come back. You can then have some time to yourself.

teaandakitkat · 08/07/2017 14:12

Let DH take her. She'll be fine for a couple of hours. If you're not there she will probably be ok. Have a nice afternoon off.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/07/2017 15:10

I'd also let DH take her - she will survive for an afternoon and if local can always come back. A family party isn't the ideal place to reset a bad relationship.

If you can reset things closer to where you were before then I would try. I would talk to her without DD around, as two adults. Have you ever expressed to her directly what caused you so much upset around the birth and what it is about her comments which continue to upset you?

If you can't reset the relationship or she dismisses/ridicules your concerns then you are at least close enough for DH to wrangle visits with DD.

Justhadmyhaircut · 08/07/2017 15:24

I decided when ds stopped bf (about a year) that no longer would I put myself through in law visiting. .

Used it as a reason /excuse to tackle housework. .

Never looked back.
Dh took the dc and I left them to it. .

Saw them if they came to us as it was easier ask them to leave if necessary. Which did happen more than once. .
Honestly op send dh and the dc and you won't regret it. .
Make sure you tell dh why you won't go though. Then he can explain to his dm.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2017 15:36

Have your husband take the baby. She won't be clingy once you're out of sight. Your husband is a parent, too, so it's high time he deal with taking her places.

OnTheRise · 08/07/2017 15:46

Take your lovely little girl to see her grandma. As soon as her grandma kicks off say something like, "I don't have to listen to this," and LEAVE. Just leave with your daughter. Don't get drawn into any conversations about what happened, just state that you won't put up with it and go.

Either she'll soon learn to do better around you, or she'll kick off so badly it will be clear to everyone that you don't need to be around her.

She sounds awful, by the way.

Original poster
sassylocks · 08/07/2017 16:24

Thanks all for your replies- I think I'll just send DH round with DD and I'm sure this will be enough of a hint for her as we almost always go to visit together.
DH is good at fighting my corner but it still doesn't stop her from saying things in the first place or messaging me directly, which is bloody awkward!!!

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/07/2017 16:29

Let him take her. If questioned you can say it was to allow her to have quality time with her descendants. I agree with leaving every time she says something horrible.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2017 16:38

Never respond to negative text messages from your MIL. It only adds fuel to her fire.

xrayyankeezulu · 08/07/2017 16:48

Haven't even read your original post, or looked long!! No DNBU I avoid having to visit mine at all costs!!

propertyvirgin · 08/07/2017 17:42

Is it possible for you to draw a line under that as both of you being hyper sensitive and worried and not managing the situation well?

I don't think op is being hyper sensitive at all.
Is it hyper sensitive to not want an audience when giving birth? Maybe you did have one and didn't mind but many women don't want lots of people in the room or indeed their mils.

Is it hyper sensitive to want some peace if a new born needs surgery and your worried out of your mind? Hmm Rather than having a hysterical mil making it all about her on your hands as well?

Op you sound perfectly normal to me, your mil doesn't sound like she understands boundaries and wants to make things all about her and how she is feeling even when you are pregnant/giving birth and have complications.

Sadly MILs like this often need a hard hand and hard boundaries setting up and its clearly obvious she currently has no concept of them.

propertyvirgin · 08/07/2017 17:44

sassy send dh with her on this occasion but beware often Mils like this love to have you out the way - so she can indulge her GD in her own way without annoying dil in the way.

I would be wary of making a habit out of it - you are a family unit dont let her push you out.

youaredeluded · 08/07/2017 17:46

Life is too short to spend with people you don't like (or visa versa) - I wouldn't go.

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