Who is unreasonable here? Wedding related (sigh)

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

I have 4 very young bridesmaids at my wedding.

Getting their dresses (all 4) has been a nightmare as different sizes were available at different times (Monsoon).

Thankfully, the last dress, was finally available around two weeks ago and we ordered it there and then to be delivered to the store. It is for DP's niece.

Fast track to last night and I mentioned in fleeting to mum and Nan that I think the dress has been collected by MIL but I'm not 100%. DP said that she'd said the day before she needed to collect it.

When asked what would happen if it got sent back and became unavailable (we have about 4 weeks to go until the big day), I said I couldn't have bridesmaids then as leaving one little girl out, who is excited to join in with my 2 DSis of similar ages, isn't fair. Mum agreed, Nan said nothing.

We were staying at my Nan's last night.

This morning, I went downstairs and she pulled me into the living room, saying she was thinking about what I said last night.

She said what was I going to do if worst come to the worst and it gets back to etc etc? I said I don't think we should talk about it as I know we will disagree and it's not necessary to get worked up (Nan is very angst and very strongly opinionated and forceful), about as MIL is in town today picking it up.

She said "OKAY I WONT FUCKING SPEAK THEN, I WILL JUST KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT"

I said come on Nan, please don't be this way. It's getting picked up today. But really, if niece couldn't have her dress then I can hardly have her little sister as a bridesmaid, plus my sisters, how upset do you think she'd be?

She said "WELL OVER £150 HAS BEEN SPENT ON THE DRESSES ETC. SHE DID HAVE THE DRESS BUT MIL DID NOT PICK IT UP IN TIME. FUCKING RIDICULOUS THAT MIL HAS NOT PICKED IT UP YET".

I went upstairs crying. DP reminds me that she is often like this (very angst), and to try and ignore her.

But maybe I am in the wrong for thinking I couldn't have bridesmaid at all if niece couldn't be bridesmaid? I just don't know.

"But really, if niece couldn't have her dress then I can hardly have her little sister as a bridesmaid, plus my sisters, how upset do you think she'd bE"

Im really confused
Is it possible your nan is confused? That sentence sounds like you are choosing on the basis of dress availability

For one*

OMG. Still at least you know now why sensible people who are not royalty only have two bridesmaids at most.

If worst comes to worst there are lots of pretty dresses in shops now, either have 3 and 1 or 2 and 2. But phone up mil to be and ask her if she has got the dress before this fiasco develops into your stirring up trouble nan taking her on and decking your mil at the reception.

Nan is not stressed about bridesmaid picking, she is stressed that MIL has not picked up dress yet and that it may get taken back (it won't).

She is stressed because she doesn't understand why it wasn't picked up sooner and this has made her very angry at the situation.

She often raves and shouts for minor things.

Example for you, when I was home sick from work once and didn't answer the door for something. I mentioned this in fleeting and she was furious... even thought it didn't impact her at all

She was more angst because I said let's not talk anymore about this as I knew it'd cause a huge argument.

I tried to make it clear the dress is being picked up today. She was having none of it.

Let me stress that I wouldn't actually leave anyone out - I would just buy a different style for all the other bridesmaids too so they match. Them matching is important to me.

So your nans paid for the dresses?
Who do you live with op...you all sound like maybe a bit of distance might do you some good then.

Tbh id pay your nan back for thebdresses and distance my self. Being screamed at because of someones own issues and anxiety o er am issue that hasnt even happened yet would put me right of.

Is your nan Catherine Tate?

Chilly Yes as she insisted and wanted to. She did not pay for the two nieces dresses, just to be clear.

She paid my my little sisters.

Stop mentioning things to her, especially wedding related.
Have a great wedding day

Lol I was going to ask if she had said - what a fucking liberty

This is how it goes:
The dress arrives, is picked up, it is fine, all is well.
Or
The dress arrives it is not fine. Oh. Another dress is bought for the waiting child and a second dress for another of the bridesmaids so that it looks as if it was deliberate. All is well.
Or
The dress does not arrive. A second dress is bought as above.

Nan gets to keep her gob shut. You stop panicking, it will all be ok. I promise you, twenty years from now you won't be able to remember this shite. Or if you remember, you won't care.

Your nan sounds a royal pain in the arse (my mother is similarly with the agonising and catastrophising - I hardly tell her anything as a result) ... but...
I think you wound her up unnecessarily by saying you wouldn't have any bridesmaids if one dress was missing, particularly as you've confirmed here that you WOULDN'T do that. I think you have fanned the fire and now it's blown up in your face.

So unnecessary.

But why did you say you would have no bridesmaids at all if you couldn't get the dress? I know your Nan's behaviour is mad, but putting forward an extreme solution like that does sort of provoke an extreme reaction.

Ceto has just said exactly what I've been wondering. If your nan is known for this sort of behaviour then why the devil would you stoke the fire by saying something like that? It sounds like hyperbole / catastrophising by both of you tbh. Are you often like this when together? I also think, as pps have said, that some distance would do you good, if it's at all possible.

Easily solved

1. Call MIL and ask her when she will be collecting
2. Call store and tell them too so they won't send it back, if you are still worried ask the store to call you if it doesn't get collected
3. All calm down, have a cup of tea and go and enjoy the sunshine

Right so Nan has paid for your wee sisters' dresses - and she thinks you are threatening not to have any bridesmaids (and waste the money she has spent on their dresses, and disappoint them) because of what she thinks of the fault of your MIL for not collecting them.

She is an old (ish?) lady; not so much going on in her life; smaller things become magnified in significance; she's spent some money for something for all her granddaughters; she doesn't trust internet shopping and she thinks MIL is being lazy. All in the midst of a wedding frenzy.

Be kind but firm.