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AIBU?

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Original poster

To walk away when men try to chat me up

26 replies

sallyhenderson · 08/07/2017 10:30

I've moved from a small country village to a major city.

I seem to find myself being chatted up by really creepy men. I will be sat at a bus stop, in a park, at a cafe and men (who are not remotely attractive and usually 20 years older than me) will sit down, try and make conversation/tell me I'm pretty and generally try and get me to give them my number. I've had men ask me where I live, who I live with, where I work.

I actually find it intimidating and when it's late at night particularly so. I think it's sad some men think it's okay to approach a woman who is simply minding her own business in this manner.

I'm by no means a stunner so I am sure almost all women get this too.

I used to be polite and continue the conversation until my bus came or I was able to make an excuse to leave but I was in a cafe and a guy came over to a woman, tried to chat her up to which she replied 'I'm really sorry but I am not interested in talking at the moment'. He went away!

I am not used to the city. I am not street wise. Is this how you're supposed to react when a complete stranger tries to chat you up?

For me, unless they tell me I'm attractive and turn the conversation to asking for my number or turn it sexual I presume they're just being friendly but my friends say this is nieve and I should just walk away! That there's a difference between a friendly strangers making conversation and a creepy guy chatting you up.

But I can't always tell the difference and I don't want to be rude.

What do you do in situations like this? Is it rude to walk away/say you are not interested in talking?

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 08/07/2017 10:53

I would chat if someone was just being friendly and if it turned to asking for my number I'd say I am married or if I was single I'd say I'm not interested in dating at the moment. If they are being more intimidating/creepy than friendly though Ywnbu to get out of the situation.

missiondecision · 08/07/2017 11:09

I usually just just ignore and make no eye contact.
It feels rude to do, but it works. You don't have to make chit chat, I'm quite an introvert and find it painful so avoid at all costs.

JennyGreenteeth · 08/07/2017 11:17

You're under no obligation to chat to anyone if you don't want to. We're conditioned to be 'nice ' but if someone makes you feel uncomfortable then tell them you don't want to chat/ walk away. It's them who are rude for not considering that every woman on their own isn't just waiting hopefully for a man to come and chat them up.

DancesWithOtters · 08/07/2017 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fiona1984 · 08/07/2017 11:33

I tend to avoid talking to people on public transport for this very reason. I'm always wary. I remember being on the bus a while ago, and this man decided (on a near empty bus) that he wanted to sit next to me and talk to me. I had headphones in, and was Sat in the aisle seat. I ignored him, but this wasn't enough, he Sat on the seat in front and stared at me, I turned away but he got in my face so I loudly told him to leave me alone and went to sit near the driver (in a single seat).
I saw this man on the same bus route a few times on later occasions, and I always avoided him. I think he was an alcoholic, I heard him talking to another random young woman at 10am on a Saturday morning, telling her he was drunk.
It does dishearten me because I am a friendly person and will help anyone, but I've had too many bad experiences.
Thankfully I have a car now, I'm not missing the bus at all.

Ohyesiam · 08/07/2017 11:35

If you don't want to talk, just brush them off. If you don't mind, Then engage until you do, then brush then off.

Start by thinking about what you want in the situation, and take it from there. If you are anything like me, you were brought up to be over accommodating, and to think that stating your need/ desire was "rude" . I mean it's more subtle than that, but that is the dynamic of it.
If you feel at all intimidated ( Like at the bus stop at night) , definitly don't engage. Say calmly you don't want to talk.
I think most men understand that a woman would feel intimidated in that situation, do of they are trying it, they are chancers , or worse.

kaytee87 · 08/07/2017 11:37

I used to always be 'nice' and polite to men doing this but now i don't give a shit what they think so I completely ignore. If they don't get the hint I say a very firm 'leave me alone' if they touch me or try to touch me I usually say loudly 'get your fucking hands off me'. Sadly I've been sexually assaulted several times by random men in pubs etc. I have blonde hair and large breasts so seem to be a magnet for all kinds of creeps.

Ohyesiam · 08/07/2017 11:40

Oh. And when you day you can't sideways tell the difference between chatting, and being chatted up, use your feelings as a guide. Any discomfort, and state clearly you don't want to engage. There is no "getting it wrong" , because is up to you who and how you communicate with.

It might feel rude at first, but stick with it.

kaytee87 · 08/07/2017 11:40

One particular man kept touching my waist and arse when I was waiting for drinks at a bar and it was crowded. He approached me again and I told him loudly to fuck off and stop touching me. He told me I was a cunt Hmm

Algebraic · 08/07/2017 11:43

Unless it's an elderly gentleman who is clearly just making conversation I'm afraid I ignore all chat from men. Might be harsh but I've had some terrible things said to me and I just won't even entertain it these days. Headphones in, sunglasses on etc.

pasturesgreen · 08/07/2017 11:48

Unless it's an elderly gentleman who is clearly just making conversation I'm afraid I ignore all chat from men

^This.

I tend to do like the lady you mentioned in your OP, just state clearly I'm not up for a chat, walk away if needed. Seems drastic at first but you're under no obligation to make polite chit chat with strangers.

Leonardo44 · 08/07/2017 11:57

Ignore, sorry not interested or act like you're in a rush. If someone's genuine they'll preferably be closer to your age, get straight to the point and be polite when/if you say no. It's the ones who act like they're just being friendly to avoid.

I once had a 40 year old bloke approach me at a bus stop about his phone. I was 17 at the time. It was apparently broken and he seemed perfectly legit so I talked to him, he then asked for my number so he could 'test' his phone and it was only then I realised the whole thing was bollocks but I felt too awkward to say no. I stay well clear of 'friendly' types now.

DPotter · 08/07/2017 12:02

YANBU
If you are uncomfortable at the thought of telling someone making unwanted chat / advances to stop, wear headphones , really obvious ones, not the little in you ear ones; you don't have to be listening to music, just wear them. Alternatively have your phone stuck to your ear, nod and say 'really' ,'no', 'last night', etc very now and then. May not stop them completely, but you can say then 'look I'm on the phone' angrily if they persist. Easier than telling someone to f. off.
Or start talking to another female passenger - I certainly would happily chat away with you, if I saw a creepy guy trying to chat you up.

MumsOnCrack · 08/07/2017 12:05

When I moved to London I noticed the same thing happening to me. Over time you will develop a new steely facade but see if you can try now. People rarely speak to someone if they don't get eye contact.

I was told I was naieve for trying to stop a fight in a nightclub. My instincts told me to help but now if I hear an argument I automatically move away.

MumsOnCrack · 08/07/2017 12:07

Sometimes I used to make a phone call just to avoid someone speaking to me. You get a gut instinct.

Notevilstepmother · 08/07/2017 12:10

Fake wedding or engagement ring is a good idea, as long as it doesn't mean you miss out on meeting a nice man.

Original poster
sallyhenderson · 08/07/2017 12:10

I'm actually lesbian anyway Grin

OP posts:
RoseLight · 08/07/2017 13:05

You shouldnt have to apologise for not being interested, nor should you have to declare you're unavailable because you are married or just not dating etc.

It is sad that we live in a society where women are expected to be available to any man unless she has a very good excuse behind her. I do know that women are just trying to be polite, it just grates me that men demand this from us.

anchor9 · 08/07/2017 23:10

urgh. I'm always far too polite and afterwards wish i had the balls to tell them to bog off. they think we should be grateful for the ego boost it seems Hmm

Pigface1 · 08/07/2017 23:19

Tons of sympathy for you OP. Have to agree with a PP's comment about developing a steely demeanour. This happened to me constantly when I first moved to London but after 6 months to a year it really tailed off. I think I developed a 'fuck off' face and I also looked more confident when travelling around as I got more familiar with the city.

Never got why men my dad's age think it's appropriate to chat young women up on public transport. I mean I might maybe have considered it if one looked like George Clooney. But oddly enough they were always fat, balding, creepy and usually smelt bad.

chips4teaplease · 08/07/2017 23:23

Unless it's an elderly gentleman who is clearly just making conversation
I've reached the age where elderly gentlemen who start 'making conversation' are actually hoping for a legover.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/07/2017 23:46

Wait till you turn 40 and it all ends Grin

MyheartbelongstoG · 08/07/2017 23:52

Recently on a bus a man passed me his email address and said I hope we can continue this conversation, you're beautiful.

I almost died in front of everyone but it made my day.

squoosh · 09/07/2017 00:14

I used to be polite but these days if someone creepy is chatting me up I cut them dead and walk away. The arrogance of some men is astounding.

chips4teaplease · 09/07/2017 17:39

Wait till you turn 40 and it all ends

I'm 59. I've never had so much attention.

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