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To think some people aren't particularly "loveable" including me

7 replies

Sillyjelly · 08/07/2017 01:03

I don't mean this to be a pity party, I genuinely want to know if you can think of people who don't quite meet that threshold.

I have had a particularly bad night, but a few things have piled up.

I am 31 and since my surviving parent died last year I have found myself acutely aware or how few people "love" me. I suspect the only person may be my sibling, which seems very tragic!

I care a great deal about the people I know, I do what I can to make them feel better if they're sad/Worried etc. But I am shy and a bit quiet sometimes and I'm not massively comfortable with touching people, which I think may be a problem. I can also be too polite/formal.

Do you feel less close to people who don't hug/kiss on hellos and goodbyes?

I have a partner, but I don't feel particularly supported - the same holds true of my ex who i was with when my other parent died. I don't like to show emotion very well and I think it is assumed I'm ok. But I don't assume this of others, a brave face is a well known phenomenon

I have two good friends but they didn't send cards/texts/flowers etc when I lost either parent, however I know they do this kind of thing for each other over lost jobs and fertility issues. I have other friends who think I'm fun and witty, but it's no deeper.

Extended family have made no moves towards my sibling and I since the loss of our parents, despite us being relatively young.

I really want to make changes as I'm very scared of being isolated and unloved, but I honestly don't know what to do.

If it wasn't for my sibling I perhaps wouldn't bother.

Any tips gratefully received! I just want to know how to connect properly the way others seem to very naturally. I feel so sad. It really hurts. Just honestly...what make you care about somebody that you're not obliged to care about? What can I do?

OP posts:

Pombearsandnaiceham · 08/07/2017 01:38

OP Flowers I didn't want to read and run.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through.

Have you felt able to speak to your partner about how you feel at all? You mention in your OP that you don't feel particularly supported by your partner. I'm just wondering if you've felt like you can talk to them about your feelings on this?

Also, have you tried anything like counselling to help to you cope with losing your parents? You've been through very difficult circumstances recently.

Sending you lots of hugs and support Flowers


shatteredmama · 08/07/2017 08:52

Oh OP Flowers I really do feel for you, I'm in a very similar situation myself, I understand how you feel.

Reading your post gave me food for thought, and made me realise that I too do the brave face routine, am uncomfortable with emotion, and so probably give off the impression that I'm ok.

Not everyone reads between the lines, and so may think we're doing just fine and are actually a bit distant... so a bit of advice, which I'm going to take myself and carry out, is to be more honest with those I'm closest to and open up and let them know I feel isolated.

After doing your best to cope with the grief, there's this weird feeling that there's nothing between you and the end of the line, if that makes sense? so of course those in our shoes would want close, loving relationships with friends and family, and surely our closest would expect and understand that? Maybe we've distanced ourselves? I don't know, but from my situation I've got nothing to lose from doing this.

Really sorry if it sounds like I've made your thread all about me, honestly not my intention, just trying to explain the best I can, I hope things improve for you soon, the previous poster had a very good point about counselling, it does help. Take care Flowers


Lumpylumperson · 08/07/2017 09:01

Oh bless you. That sounds very hard and I'm very sorry for your loss.

Re your partner, you don't sound very close. It's just a thought but have you heard of Love Languages? DH and I have very different love languages and knowing this helps me identify when he's showing me love etc. Sounds daft but something to think of. The book is called something like The 5 Love Languages.

Re not being very affectionate, maybe that can make you come across as a bit aloof but really, if you're not affectionate you're not affectionate. I'm a touchy-feely person but my BIL isn't at all, he hates even hugs so it'd be wrong to force affection on him when that's just the way he is. It's not wrong it's just different to how I am.

Have you thought about extending your social circle? Maybe clubs etc? It may not interest you but I go to a large vibrant church and a good portion of my social circle is linked to that, they are the most fun, social and open-minded bunch of friends anyone could have. May be something to think about going along to if you're looking to make new social links.

Hope you're ok OP. You sound lovely.


CabbagesOnFire · 08/07/2017 09:06

You are grieving. You are bound to feel sad. That is OK, and it doesn't mean that you are not lovable.


Sillyjelly · 12/07/2017 20:24

Thank you all.

I have looked into love languages in the past funnily enough, it's almost part of the problem as I show love through little gifts and cards, whereas most of my nearest people show it through words/touch which I'm not practised at. And they probably (hopefully!) display their love back without me recognising it. So maybe I'm just being a twat!

I think, given this thread and the lovely answers from PP, that I should try harder to communicate with those around me with these things. It won't be easy but I'm very willing to try!

As PP commented, a brave face is damaging in the end so I'll try harder to expose my feelings.

Thank you for your answers, it gave me comfort to know I'm not the only person to feel this way. I'm sorry for the late reply.

I was having a bad night but I am 31 and have many years ahead of me so the time to change is now!

OP posts:

Sillyjelly · 12/07/2017 20:26

Also, I'm moving to a new city soon so I hope for a fresh start, without awkwardness, to build up a social system that I can support, and will support me back.

OP posts:

mylaptopismylapdog · 12/07/2017 20:36

Sorry for your loss and that you feel this way. I think most people feel the need to reasses their life when the last member of the previous family generation die, for a variety of reasons. Grieving takes time so please be kind to yourself and don't feel you need to be someone else take small steps to change.

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