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to be upset at a BFN when DH thinks "sure it's only the first cycle of ttc"

7 replies

SpicyBeanzy · 07/07/2017 10:56

But it's not! It's not the first cycle of ttc. It's the first cycle of ttc since I miscarried. It's the 9th cycle of tracking, temping, opks, apps etc.

We had a massive fight this morning because he couldn't understand why I'd be upset at a BFN, and was saying "sure it's very unlikely to happen the first time, you know it can take a lot longer to get pregnant". But we started trying almost a year ago- it took 8 cycles to get pregnant, then I miscarried 6 weeks later, was too upset to try the very next cycle, and then started again the one after (so now I'm on my 9th cycle of ttc).

So who's right? In my mind, we have been trying for almost a year. In his, it just resets right back to zero, and you start again and you need to be realistic because it can often take months or years to get pregnant.

Also, before we even started I went to the doctor for general blood tests and he said due to low amh and my age (36) I should come back and see him if I'm not pregnant in 6 months.

AIBU to feel like it's taking a long time or is he BU to think it's like starting from scratch again?

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 07/07/2017 11:06

Neither of you are right or wrong, you're just seeing it from different angles.
You both want the same thing , you're on the same team, so try to come together and support each other.
Best of luck

allertse · 07/07/2017 11:13

Neither of you ABU.

He is being realistic, but that doesn't mean you aren't understandably upset. Take care of yourself and I hope you conceive soon Flowers

Popskipiekin · 07/07/2017 11:14

Your DH is being a pedant. Not sure it's the best circumstances for it! I'm sorry about your miscarriage. Why don't you go back to the doctor as it has now been over 6 months? Ime your miscarriage does not reset the clock on the advice from the GP.

Popskipiekin · 07/07/2017 11:15

*imo not ime

CwtchMeQuick · 07/07/2017 11:21

Neither of you are BU.

My DP sees things very much the same as yours, whereas I'm more like you. We've been trying for 8 months now with one miscarriage at 6 weeks in February. It took ages for my periods to return and they're still very irregular. There are some fertility issues on my side so even though we know it might take a while or we might need help, for me, every BFN is devastating, however for my DP, it's 'well we didn't think it'd happen this month anyway'.

If I were you I'd go back to the GP now. In the meantime, have a chat with your DP and explain how you feel and try to understand his side of it too. TTC can be a heartbreaking process and we all have different coping mechanisms, you just have to be accepting of the way each of you deal with it and be supportive of each other. TBH I think men struggle to understand how it feels when it's your body going through it, not only do you have the disappointment you also have hormones making it feel worse. You're in this together so talk talk talk to each other. It'll be worth it in the end Flowers

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 07/07/2017 11:23

Neither of you are in the wrong - he's right that the odds of conceiving on any particular cycle aren't particularly high, but I know from bitter experience the awful feeling when AF shows up each month so YANBU to feel the way you do. It's perfectly ok for both of you to feel differently about it. Drink some nice wine, eat lots of pate and stinky cheese while you still can, and roll on next month.

Flowers and best wishes for a BFP soon.

SpicyBeanzy · 07/07/2017 11:58

Thank you all so much. All your lovely responses have made me cry (again). I wish I could just go home from work and get this day over with.

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