fed up of the emotional labour

[wanderingcloud]

Today I get a group message from SIL asking about MILs birthday. I'm the only in law included on the message. The brother in laws aren't included. Presumably this is because, as a female, it's my duty to over see the organisation and administration of all family birthdays and events.

It's his family. He was capable of organising cards and presents before he met me. Now suddenly, it's my job. I'm emotionally blackmailed into feeling responsible for this.

I wouldn't mind so much but my family is tiny - his is huge! and my family don't do cards or physical gifts (we try to give time and do stuff together - we don't just ignore birthdays!)

I find it all very stressful getting cards and wrapping gifts, posting them in time etc I have enough on my plate with my own family, work, school commitments.

AIBU to expect OH to sort out his own mother's birthday? And for his family to hold him to account for it rather than me?

Just delete yourself from the group. That should send them a clear message. Is your DH in the group? If not then add him before you delete yourself.

YANBU

DH sorts out his family (1 person!) I sort out mine (5 people).

Frustratingly MIL asks me what to buy for DH and for the DC

Tell her to contact your DH.

Announce your new phone number. . And give them dhs'!!

Add dh to thr group and then leave.

YANBU he's perfectly capable of sorting out his own mothers birthday. Hope you've passed the message straight on to him and told him to speak to his sister to tell her to stop contacting you about his family stuff.

Id reply, " your better off speaking with DH about this kind of thing, im useless at birthdays :-) " and add him to the group, then delete yourself

Possibly slightly relevant: english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I would mind regardless of the size of the family as it's declaring that these tasks are the responsibility of women and men shouldn't be troubled with such mundane things.

Yeah I'd tell him about it so he can speak to his sister (and add him to the group if he's not added already). I really hate this expectation of women; I completely agree with you.

You have to fight against it though because its so ingrained in society people don't even realise it's an issue.

I've told my DP in no uncertain terms that I am not taking responsibility for anything to do with his family so sending cards/gifts, organising visits, phonecalls or anything because in his family the women do it and I could see it becoming a pattern. I have divorced parents myself and have found it hard in the past to deal with the emotional strain of it so I am unwilling to take on more emotional labour. They probably think this is odd and/or selfish but they will just have to deal with that. Of course I am perfectly nice to them and we get on; I am just unwilling to orchestrate it IYKWIM.