Stop talking about pregnancy

[espoleta]

Hi all

I'm a 1st timer so sorry if I haven't given enough or too much info.

I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and I work in advertising. I head up three departments and run a big account in the agency. One of the team on the account suffered a miscarriage 2 months ago. We dealt with it really carefully and gave her a month off and she's been back at work for a month.

She is clearly struggling which is something that I've chatted to her line manager about and we've put together a plan to try and assist her. Being pregnant myself I've given her a wide berth. People do ask how the pregnancy is going (I was in hospital recently with complications) and another member of the teams wife just gave birth.

Yesterday another senior staff member came to see me and asked if I could steer the team to talk less about babies. In this persons role is some high level stuff about staff happiness. At first I was taken aback (we don't discuss it that often. Passing comments in the morning and then that's about it as we're all very busy). I asked what spurred this on and she said it's the lady that lost her baby is crying daily according to another member of staff.

My role includes an overview of HR for the agency and I hadn't heard about any official channels being used to help this person. As we work in a high stressed environment we have a protocol for people who are in emotional distress and need assistance which would apply to this situation.

I made it clear I would try and steer the conversation away and move floor and sit with one of my other departments, but that if she's that bad not talking about babies isn't the correct approach. We need to give her proper support. The other member disagreed.

Sleeping on it I am very uncomfortable with it and have raised it up the chain so the problem does go through the official HR channels and is dealt with appropriately. Firstly it the right thing to do, and secondly as her employer (albeit very far up the chain) it's my responsibility to deal with it both from a professional and liability point of view.

This other person is now furious as she thinks I've undermined her. I'm pretty pissed with her that she put my in that situation as I think she acted utterly irresponsibly.

Wdyt?

I agree. It's sad what the lady went through but babies can't be avoided she needs actual help if she's struggling not a hush hush approach.

Completely agree with you. Poor woman. She sounds like she needs proper support in place.

I agree, I'd see several pregnant women just on my commute. She'll be seeing pregnancy everywhere, and if she's that upset by it, then I do think help needs to be made available. It would be better to give her this opportunity than to ignore it like your colleague seems to be doing.

If you weren't a senior member of staff your colleague would be on dodgier ground I think. If she'd moved a junior member of staff 'out of the way' so to speak due to her pregnancy.

My previous role was in a high stress environment and involved overseeing several departments. With my first pregnancy I noticed bleeding and went to the EPU first thing in the morning. They confirmed a miscarriage, and I got back on the train and went into the office. I took no time off as it was a busy time. Since having a baby I've spoken to a few friends about it, and realised that it's quite common to have counselling in that situation, and wish I had given myself an easier time of it. I think you're doing the right thing for your colleague. If the company can provide support, then it's really best it's made available.

Thanks everyone. Was worried I was being a sensitive pregnant lady so thanks for putting my mind at ease!

I was wondering whether actually it wasn't the woman who had suffered the miscarriage that had asked this. Perhaps the person asking you is suffering from fertility problems and used the other person as her own excuse to stop the baby talk. She may be furious because when HR now approach the woman who had the miscarriage she'll indicate that she does not have an issue at all.

I actually think you've been very tactful anyway and careful to take her feelings into consideration.

As someone who's been there, having everyone being hush hush around you can make you feel 10x worse. Like some kind of social pariah! She needs to deal with her grief, not be shielded by all things pregnancy and babies...