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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to take kids to cinema despite knowing ex wants to do same at weekend?

51 replies

JustArandomUser · 07/07/2017 08:40

Kids have an inset day today, their Mum is supposed to be looking after them this week, but apparently she couldn't get the day off work and asked me to have them instead. I could get the day off no probs so no issues there.

I did have some activities planned but had to shelve them as turns out the giant trampoline place I was going to take them to is shut for refurbishment... So last night I book some tickets to go to the cinema and see Despicable Me 3 instead.

This morning my youngest was having a video chat with his mum, and I caught the tail end of the conversation as I was making breakfast... Upshot is, she has "Just booked the tickets for Despicable Me 3 for Sunday!"

To be totally be fair she did mention that she was interested in taking them a couple of weeks back, but the things she says and the things she does are often quite different so I didn't pay it much attention.

So WIBU to take them to the cinema even though I now know she's planning to do it on Sunday?

OP posts:

kmc1111 · 07/07/2017 09:48

It's a treat for the children surely, and they'll be just as happy to see it again (and again, and again, and again when it's out on DVD).

If it was something like one parents favourite film they wanted to share with their kids, or the kid's first time at the movies, that would be one thing, but it's just a normal cinema trip to see a middling franchise film. If the mum let's it spoil her day with the kids that's completely on her.

BrieOnAnOatcake · 07/07/2017 09:52

if be really usppset as it was a treat shed planned and was looking forwards to with the kids.

Surely you could do anything else apart from the exact thing your partner is doing with them. I think that's really low to be honest.

ArchieStar · 07/07/2017 10:06

Nothing wrong with seeing a film twice. Enjoy your day with your kids!

ChocolateButton15 · 07/07/2017 10:11

We saw it last week, it is a good film, mine would probably see it again if offered. Don't see why they can't go Sunday too if it's already paid for.

Butterymuffin · 07/07/2017 10:12

It wasn't deliberately done. Not the worst thing in the world to see a film twice.

Orlantina · 07/07/2017 10:14

It wasn't deliberately done

The op did know that his ex was going to take the children to see the film. That she had planned it. He just 'forgot' she'd mentioned it.

Butterymuffin · 07/07/2017 10:18

He said she'd mentioned it but that doesn't make it set in stone. Unfortunate now that they've both booked tickets. But unless he constantly does this and jumps in first to take them to things she has also talked about, it would be sensible to not regard it as a dramatic act of treachery.

Iloveanimals · 07/07/2017 10:18

Would be kinder not to do it...is it that hard to find something else to do with them? :)

Orlantina · 07/07/2017 10:27

But unless he constantly does this and jumps in first to take them to things she has also talked about, it would be sensible to not regard it as a dramatic act of treachery

I have this feeling that both parents in this shared parenting relationship would have tales to tell about the other one.

sailorcherries · 07/07/2017 10:31

Christ, imagine this -

"Ex was supposed to see kids today as it's an inset day but he cancelled as he needs to work now. I had planned to do x with the kids but needed to change plans so now we're off to the cinema. Ex had mentioned it a few weeks ago but nothing was set in stone. He's just phoned kids to apologise and has said he has booked tickets for the same film this weekend. Aibu to still take them?"

I'd bet many posters would say no as a) the woman had booked first, b) kids would enjoy a second trip, c) ex hadn't made solid plans, merely mentioned in passing, and d) ex still had time to change weekend plans.

As a few posters have said OP the kids won't mind seeing a film twice and if a grown woman decides to allow her weekend to be spoilt as someone else took them first, despite her kids being happy to go again, it's her issue not yours.
Alternatively ex now has time to change her weekend plans and either get money back and do something else or change it for another film. Much more time than you have atm.

My ex has taken DS to see films I had planned due to changes in their plans, it's not the end of the bloody world. I've taken DS to a trampoline park the same week as ex has.

It's a run of the mill trip, not a favourite film from exs childhood or a first, nothing has been spoiled.

HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 07/07/2017 10:36

I just think part of shared parenting is trying to get along with the other person. Doing something which is deliberately treading on their toes isn't keeping the peace- yes kids can watch a film more than once but I bet they are also the ones who will have to listen to mummy say how selfish daddy is or vice Versa.

JigglyTuff · 07/07/2017 10:36

That's a super reversal Sailor. Except the mum had already said she was taking them this weekend before the OP booked tickets. He could have rung her to check before booking the tickets but he didn't.

My children won't go and see the same film twice.

Yoshi1701 · 07/07/2017 10:37

Just phone her and say

'Sorry, I've booked tickets to the cinema for today. I didn't realise you wanted to take the kids, I thought you just meant they wanted to see the movie. I hope you can change the tickets! Bye!'

Orlantina · 07/07/2017 10:38

ex hadn't made solid plans, merely mentioned in passing

Strange how the ex had made plans though because she had booked.

So now she will lose the money as you can't get refunds on cinema tickets. And there is nothing else appropriate

It's a run of the mill trip

How do you know? Maybe the ex had been looking forward to doing something fun? Maybe she'd been saving up to go to the cinema and it would have been a special treat?

BasketOfDeplorables · 07/07/2017 10:46

My parents split up when I was 6. I saw lots of films twice. My parents would try to avoid it but it's not always possible. I don't think it's a massive problem unless one or both parents want to be the first to do certain things. Either way, if the kids like the film they will enjoy going twice.

RB68 · 07/07/2017 10:48

All aload of fuss about nothing - its sorted now - she maybe should have confirmed to him directly what she was doing re film rather than child ie communicate.

sailorcherries · 07/07/2017 10:54

Orlantina

She mentioned today, on the phone, that she had "just booked the tickets". So no, she hadn't made solid plans as it was only just booked.
Why is it unfair on the mother to miss out and not get a refund, when she booked later than the father?

By run of the mill I did follow it up with not a first time trip to the cinema for her with the kids or a favourite film from her own childhood she wanted to share (as per a previous posters response). Please don't pick and choose what parts you quote to suit yourself.

Jiggly

Surely it depends on what was said?
"I might take the kids to see X when it comes out" said weeks ago isn't the same as "I'm going to book tickets for the kids to see X on this date". According to OP it was the former.

Some NRPs can't catch a break.
You're a dick if you do stuff with yours kids and a dick if you don't.

JigglyTuff · 07/07/2017 10:55

Sailor - from the OP: "To be totally be fair she did mention that she was interested in taking them a couple of weeks back"

So he could have checked but he didn't.

JigglyTuff · 07/07/2017 10:58

There is no reason why he couldn't have checked before booking them. It's got nothing to do with him being a NRP either (and how do you know that? They could have a 50/50 arrangement) but just poor communication which benefits no one.

sailorcherries · 07/07/2017 11:01

Alternatively she could have made solid plans or told him she definitely was, not just interested.

How many of us have said "oh I might take DC there" and then possibly not?

Some people just like to condem NRPs, even if they make an effort.

The woman should be responsible for communicating her plans properly to ex, he shouldn't need to chase.
For example I've said to ex "I might take DS to cinema", that doesn't mean he can't or shouldn't, as I only "might". I've also said "I've booked/I'm booking tickets for this" and then he doesn't.
It's not his job to chase me up to get me to finalise my plans. If I really want to do something I finalise and let him know, I don't leave it up in the air and get my knickers in a twist if ex does the same as I only have myself to blame.

sailorcherries · 07/07/2017 11:03

Jiggly my point is that on mumsnet posters always blast men, particularly separated men.
Yes he could check but equally she could finalise plans and let her know.

It happened on another thread, women demonising a man for apparently not paying maintenance and then it turned out he was RP and ex wife never paid maintenance but the issue was dropped.

Very high double standards.

She's a grown up, she can finalise plans and communicate to her ex if it's something she explicitly wants to do.

JigglyTuff · 07/07/2017 11:28

Given the paucity of men who actually pay maintenance, how useful that you managed to find the one example of the situation being reversed.

He could have called before he booked as he knew that was what she was planning. It's what any normal person would have done.

If you and the OP want to find a forum where the majority of posters stick up for men, there's a lot of them out there. It's incredibly tedious on MN to hear the NAM line trotted out

sailorcherries · 07/07/2017 11:45

I'm not sticking up for men.

In reverse I described I'd stick up for the woman, much as I am sticking up for the man here. It's the situation.

If my exs mother has solid plans he wants to do with DS, she tells me and vice versa. Otherwise "I might" weeks prior isn't taken in to consideration.

If I had an ex who actually bothered to make plans or spend his money on his child I'd be thrilled. NRPs and their involvement financially, emotionally and socially on their child's life is a topic I am passionate about with a scumbag ex, a new partner and family myself and having previously been in a relationship and living with a single (only parent) father. I've seen all sides of the coin and it isn't sympathising with one particular group, it's about looking at each scenario as a stand alone and not letting my own personal feelings/experiences dictate.

In my opinion if I had said I might do something but had not made any definite plans and booked something after ex then that is my fault. If I told ex I was definitely doing x on y date and booked in advance but ex booked the same thing to take DS to before me, then he is in the wrong. That doesn't mean that I stick up for men.

That thread stuck out because it was quite recent, had a few pages and I replied. I never went out of my way.

If you don't agree then that is fine, it's the internet. Please do not assume to know my own personal stand points on separated families though.

JigglyTuff · 07/07/2017 12:11

my point is that on mumsnet posters always blast men

That was the point I was responding to sailor.

In any event, I suspect the OP of being a GF, you don't, let's agree to disagree

sailorcherries · 07/07/2017 12:26

I do see it a lot on mumsnet, along with the hatred for step-mothers but the acceptance of step-fathers and so on; it's quite universal on some threads but I still take each one as it comes.

There is a lot I see online and make comments/observations on it but it doesn't mean I am inherently sticking up for anyone/any one group.

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