Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance and extra costs

57 replies

Diamondmac · 06/07/2017 23:00

Ex DP gives me £40 a week maintenance. AIBU to think that this should be for day-in-day-out costs like electricity, food etc. but we should go halves on additional costs like redecorating dc's bedroom/baby signing course/osteopath?

If you get maintenance for your DCs do you expect additional contributions for extras?

If I added up everything I spent on DC it's easily triple/quadruple what exDP does when our incomes are roughly the same. This doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

OP posts:
NapQueen · 07/07/2017 07:06

He doesnt have him overnight at all? Then you may need to speak to cms as 40 quid sounds much too low.

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 07/07/2017 07:08

my ex has been calculated to pay £48 a week for two not that he is paying it :|

that works out at just over £3 a day per child which seems pathetically low

Rainybo · 07/07/2017 07:24

I wouldn't expect payment for anything in the house, but I would ask for school trip contributions if they were expensive ones.

I am RP and it does cost me more- it all adds up. At the moment ex only pays half the mortgage on the basis that when the house is sold shortly he will get 50% back of the proceeds. So effectively he isn't paying any maintainence at the moment, but he doesn't see it like that. I'm fortunate that I can cover what DC need.

Saiman · 07/07/2017 07:28

The law is nevee going to stipulate maintence plus extras or necessary extras.

Because that would mean the RP would always have final say it was necessary.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 07/07/2017 07:32

You would pay rent, heat, electricity regardless of whether a baby was there or not. That's not down to your ex to finance.

If he pays £40 a week, you match it and add on the tax credits and child benefits then it more than covers clothes, baby food and activities.

Decoration of your home is down to you and decorating a nursery is purely for the parents not the child as they are to young to know or care.

blukite · 07/07/2017 07:37

I would bite my exes hand off for 40 pound, he hasn't paid me anything more than a tenner and that was in January. I am in the process of redecorating my son's bedroom, I haven't asked him for anything towards it. I wouldn't give him money to redecorate at his house

Original poster
Diamondmac · 07/07/2017 07:43

You would pay rent, heat, electricity regardless

So if you had an extra person living with you you wouldn't expect them to contribute to bills? Because after all you'd be paying them regardless if you were living there alone!

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondmac · 07/07/2017 07:45

Ok so decoration aside, osteopath? £30 a session. Babysigning (to help with delayed communication skills) £35 for 5 week course. These are additional, unforseeable costs that are directly benefitting DC - why should I cover the whole cost (putting myself into my overdraft) when I don't earn any more than ex?

OP posts:
eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 07/07/2017 07:48

how old is DC?

my toddler has delayed communication and gets it all free because its necessary

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 07/07/2017 07:49

and also you can learn baby sign without a £35 class

VeryButchyRestingFace · 07/07/2017 07:49

Ok so decoration aside, osteopath? £30 a session. Babysigning (to help with delayed communication skills) £35 for 5 week course

Does your ex agree with your child having those things?

If not, that could explain his unwillingness to contribute.

Equally, he might just be a tight, spiteful arse.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 07/07/2017 07:53

and also you can learn baby sign without a £35 class

OP could contact NDCS to see whether they'd be willing to let her on their family signing course (although her child isn't deaf?)

She'd be learning BSL from a native signer - which is usually not the case with these baby signing classes. That would be preferable if sign language is going to be a long term communication strategy.

Original poster
Diamondmac · 07/07/2017 07:54

Rainybo yes it's the attitude that you should be grateful for the absolute bare minimum isn't it. Paying half the mortgage just means he's doing what he has to do for his half of the house, he's not in any way giving you anything, so how can he not see it like that.

I'm fed up of being expected to be grateful for the absolute bare minimum - just because a lot of exes don't pay anything or pay less than they are legally expected to doesn't mean I should be pathetically grateful. He's the other parent, why should the majority of the expenses fall to me to pay?

OP posts:
TrojanWhore · 07/07/2017 07:54

"So if you had an extra person living with you you wouldn't expect them to contribute to bills? "

Not when the person is a child.

Not until they have finished education and got a job.

If you want a co-habitee who contributes to household expenses, you'll need to get a lodger.

Original poster
Diamondmac · 07/07/2017 07:57

veryButchy does my ex agree with our DC having therapies for their health and development - er, I'd hope so? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondmac · 07/07/2017 07:58

TrojanWhore no I'm not expecting our baby to contribute to bills, but the other parent! You know, because they're responsible for their child until they're 18?

OP posts:
VeryButchyRestingFace · 07/07/2017 08:00

veryButchy does my ex agree with our DC having therapies for their health and development - er, I'd hope so? hmm

So you haven't discussed it with him?

Not saying that you have to, but if he doesn't agree with those particular therapies (or any) that could explain an unwillingness to pay.

My father (an arse) didn't agree with the speech and language/physiotherapy I needed as a child. He was in denial and kept insisting nothing was wrong. Luckily I had them free on the NHS, which isn't the case here?

NorthernLurker · 07/07/2017 08:02

Be careful what you wish for op. You may feel he's paying too little but the strictly fair split would be 50:50 care and neither would pay anything to each other then. Is that really what you would prefer?

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 07/07/2017 08:08

you never answered my question about dc age?

TeachesOfPeaches · 07/07/2017 08:09

I get £65 per week (via CMS) even though ex earns nearly £50k. However, the way I look at it is that my son lives with me full time which is worth more than anything. I work full time and pay for all childcare etc and live in my overdraft but that's better than my son living away 50% of the time

NameChangingForObviousReasons · 07/07/2017 08:09

We did baby signing. Never went to a single class, the book that initiated all this revolution was less than £10 and there are far more cheaper books on the topic today.

You are teaching sign language not BSL, she will learn to speak before she learn the first 20 sign and honestly, she will not need more than that.

By the way, the book approach is sooo good that the woman who was teaching babysigning classes locally (and charging a fortune for it) once told me that she was learning everything from the same book as I did, she just ensured that she was one week or two ahead of her class Hmm

If your child has hearing problems, by all means pay a fortune otherwise the book will do.

Raising a child in a separated family setting is very very different to raising a child in a single home with two loving parents that find it easier to discuss and agree on expenses.

There are many things he should do to balance the amount of care you both provide for your kid but I know that deep down you know this guy cannot be expected to agree on how you want to raise your child.

You have years ahead of you, choose your battles, if you get in a pickle at this time about unnecessary expenses as decorating a room or baby tuition, by the time she is 3, you will be barely talking to each other (if he is still in the picture, according to Gingerbread almost half of non resident parents have little or no contact with their children two years after the split).

Choose your battles, and choose the important ones. The best thing you can do for your child is allowing her to grow in an environment where her parents are reasonable towards each other and can effectively co parent without having a war exploding regularly over menial stuff.

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 07/07/2017 08:10

oh wait just seen your other thread so your baby at absolute most is 12 months.. she wont have communication delays that baby sign course is not a necessary expense its a luxury for you

NameChangingForObviousReasons · 07/07/2017 08:13

I thought so. She is quite late for it (mine started at 6m, by 18m it was hardly necessary).

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 07/07/2017 08:18

I dont get cm

But a number of my friends who get it do get extra money for bills like school trips and some clubs

A fair few dont though, but sometimes the husband will pay for something directly...so a joint hobby for example

Starlight2345 · 07/07/2017 08:20

Op I am a LP...You need to rethink your thought process..Your Ex is legally required to pay the legal Minimum and nothing above that. You have to address your expenses according to that.

I did baby swimming for my DS who has hyper mobility. As much as my DS benefited once he refused to pay I took him swimming..

You have to cut your cloth according to what comes in your house.

If you don't think he is now paying the legal minimum you can have a discussion or go via CMS...

I am assuming by your post EX is not agreeable to paying extra so I am afraid you have to find another way..I picked up a DVD for 99p the other day of a baby signing class so it may be a far better option.

Swipe left for the next trending thread