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AIBU to feel guilty about not doing a whole class party?

21 replies

Aurora87 · 06/07/2017 20:48

I'll get right to it.

My daughter is the oldest in her class so we held the first whole class party when she started school - a simple at-home party with food and games. We did the same again in year 1 although this time as a joint party so the costs were divided between us and the other child's parents. This time, my daughter wants a specific type of party and we are only able to invite 11 children (for a total party size of 12).

My daughter has found it quite difficult to decide which 12 friends to invite but she's pretty much there.

There have been four parties that have not been whole class so far and she has been invited to two of these. We do worry that if she may be left out more in the future as we will be inviting less than half of her class. She has ADHD so it's a worry for us anyway.

AIBU to feel wracked with guilt? Party for leaving some children out. Partly for leaving some parents out, some of whom I class as friends. And partly for fear of her being left out more in the future?

OP posts:
Nicpem1982 · 06/07/2017 20:51


You don't need to include the whole class as long as there isn't one child left out of the class then I think most parents accept that it's a few friends

Hope ur dd has a great party

VeryButchyRestingFace · 06/07/2017 20:52

We do worry that if she may be left out more in the future as we will be inviting less than half of her class. She has ADHD so it's a worry for us anyway.

I would imagine she will be. Esp if she attended parties hosted by the non-invitees in the past.

That's the risk you run though, isn't it?

Bitchinabonnet · 06/07/2017 20:54

Good luck with that one ! Parties are a mine field . Maybe do a sweetie bag for everyone in the class ? DON'T splash pictures all over FB - that really is asking for trouble .

Okite · 06/07/2017 20:55

I'm having this dilemma too. My DD is the eldest in her year and plays a lot with kids from the year above so she wants to invite half of that year plus half of her year/class. Her class is very small though so I feel like there are only a few not invited, I can't decide if it's ok or not. Eg say there are 8 in her class and she invited 4 of them so 3 are left out?

GreenTulips · 06/07/2017 20:56

You are really over thinking this!

We invited kids - sometimes they invited back sometimes they didn't - somenkids had famillynonlybpartoes - some didn't have a party at all!

The fact you throw a party so your child remains on the party list is quite sad - if she doesn't get invited it's more likely to do with numbers or party type or whatever

You seem to expect a return invite? Why?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2017 21:08

My DD has ADHD and we have big parties and she still doesn't get invited back.

I understand why, it's just really sad and my heart hurts for her.


Glumglowworm · 06/07/2017 21:15

Yanbu, assuming there aren't 13 kids in the class or something!

It's unreasonable to leave one or two children out, but it's perfectly reasonable to only invite 11 out of 30.

MrsTerry I'm sorry that must be so hurtful for your DD Flowers for you and Cakefor her

Aurora87 · 06/07/2017 21:17

Thank you.

It is the risk we run, yes. Both children who invited her to their parties are on the list. We honestly don't throw parties to be invited to others, perhaps I worded that wrong. Its just the first time we have not invited the whole class and I have seen so many stories about children with special needs not being invited to parties, I guess I really am overthinking it.

MrsTerryPratchett I'm so sorry that is the experience you and your daughter have had. It really does add another layer of complexity to these decisions doesn't it but it sounds like it hasn't made a difference anyway. 😔

OP posts:
Aurora87 · 06/07/2017 21:18

No I'd never do that! There are 24 in the class.

OP posts:
anotherdayanothersquabble · 06/07/2017 21:18

Give her the party she wants.. on a separate day, maybe your own birthday, invite the Mum's who are your friends out for a night out with you.

I have an October birthday child who is well liked in her class but doesn't have close friends... I don't think her party has a huge impact on whether she is invited to other parties or not....

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2017 21:23

In the long run it doesn't make a difference. They find their people in the end. Fingers crossed. And whole class parties get more and more rare.

HungerOfThePine · 06/07/2017 21:32

Any reasonable adult/parent will know that it isn't personal unless the child left out is a known bully to your dc.

I did this recently as could only afford to invite a certain amount and I let my dc pick. I reasonably over invited but had a number in mind and a few cancelled or didn't rsvp and I got the number I wanted. Some of the kids that were not invited were at the venue that day too so would have been aware of their non invite.

Yanbu basically.

Aurora87 · 06/07/2017 21:32

Sweetie bags are a good idea.

We have a Mum's night out planned for a few weeks time.

I think you're right and I'm massively overthinking this. I have ADHD myself so it's a tendency I have! 🙈

OP posts:
User45837 · 06/07/2017 21:38

Don't feel guilty - parties tend to get smaller anyway as children get older I have found (I have one pre-schooler and one pre-teen). So my pre-teen (y6) is just having four or five girls for a sleepover etc and this is widely accepted. But having said that a few times it became a bone of contention when she was younger - not being invited to parties etc. (probably more so for me than for her actually if I'm honest). DD2 (pre-schooler)) is an October baby and I am honestly dreading her birthday because I am likely to plan one of those hellish bouncy castle parties in a hall and use the scatter gun approach re invites. We don't have any close friends DD2's age unfortunately (no play dates etc) and I've got the opposite problem - I'm praying that at least a few will accept the invitation and come along for DD's sake. Can scale it down to the house if numbers are low. The only other thing I'm banking on is that she will have started at a second pre-school by then - is it a really random thing just to invite them too even though dd would have only known them a month? Difficult, difficult but I'm actually after numbers to make up the party if that makes sense. With DD1 we had an established circle of about ten friends and party planning was easier, I think from memory I remember inviting her whole class in reception and years one and two but smaller parties after that. We also have virtually no family - cousins etc so can't make up the numbers that way either. It actually makes me feel sad but dd is hoping for a party so got to sort something somehow and make the best of things. It is a sad situation when someone is obviously left out - this has happened to a friend of mines child.

Screwinthetuna · 06/07/2017 21:56

You aren't being U, exactly. However, at this age, I do a whole class party, if money permits. They change friends so quickly in reception/year one and tend to be friends with the whole class.
I do think it causes drama and upset when some children are excluded from parties.
When they're older and have a more concrete group of friends and don't like your normal bouncy castle/children's entertainer type person, then I'd branch off with asking just a close group to bowling/laser quest/pizza making type parties.

Screwinthetuna · 06/07/2017 21:59

Sorry, just read that your DD now in year 2? I think I'd be more likely to do smaller groups at this age, unless I could afford an older-type activity for that many children

Cleanermaidcook · 06/07/2017 22:24

Nobody at dc's school did whole class Pattie this year (yr 2 and 4) they tend to drop off to smaller group ones after year 1 here. No one get offended if their child isn't invited to one and no one feels pressure to invite the whole class as it just isn't the norm.

Cleanermaidcook · 06/07/2017 22:25

Party not Pattie ffs!

Aurora87 · 06/07/2017 22:29

Yeah she'll be in year 2 and friendship groups have begun to form. I'd love to be able to invite the whole class but it would be ever so expensive and one of the two options she's considering is specifically for no more than 12 children.

I think it's fine to invite the new pre-school kids user45837, that's kind of what we did in reception as we'd only known most for less than a month! Maybe plan for an at- home party though if you're worried about numbers. I had to make super last minute plans for a 4th birthday party for my daughter as I found out rather late that she was expecting one! Managed to get her two cousins, two of my friends' kids and one nursery friend over and she was perfectly happy with that! x

OP posts:
RedStripeIassie · 06/07/2017 22:35

I'm cobbling together a 4th birthday party for later in the month. I've invited the whole nursery class as it's small and it's just a low key tea party. I feel for you because I'd struggle with who to invite if it was bigger. You shouldn't feel bad but you probably will!! Flowers

User45837 · 07/07/2017 09:26

Hi Aurora, thanks for getting back to me re whole pre-school invite - I think the party may be a goer if DC starts at the new pre-school and feel more relaxed knowing someone else has done this too. My elder dc is a Summer baby so it gave us time to get to know people a bit and also for her to get invited to other parties. It feels like a different ball game in this respect having an October baby. I am an introvert really, so it takes a lot of courage to invite complete strangers but hey ho I'm doing it for dc.

If your dd is in year 2, I would go ahead and hold a smaller party because friendship groups will form round about now - it is really sweet of you to feel guilt though - I know a lot of mothers who wouldn't!

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