AIBU about sperm donation?

[MamaBear001]

Hello,

I'm hoping to hear OPs experiences and thoughts on having a second child as a single parent by sperm donation.

DD 16 Months wasn't planned, it was an unfortunate set of circumstances in that I was happily casual dating her father, 6 dates, nothing "serious". My first attempt at dating after focusing entirely on my business and career for over 5 years (100+hr weeks). I knew straight away that it was a blessing and he didn't feel that way, I informed him of her arrival, photo etc and haven't heard anything.

If I'm honest as much as it breaks my heart that she doesn't have that father figure I'd be romanticising if I didn't also accept he was never that "perfect dad". Issues of his own and too selfish to be a positive force in her life... So, she has me, and it works. We are pretty happy. We laugh a lot, we travel, go on days out... life is pretty good.

Don't get me wrong I have bad days as much as good days, cry, get strung out crazy over tired, lonely, worry about EVERYTHING etc etc - the rollercoaster of motherhood!!

From a financial and support aspect we are covered. I'm "semi retired" which also means my DM cut her work to 2 days a week when I had DD and is very much involved, much more than a usual Grandparent "role."

DD stays with her once a week at least, we all stay on another night when I go out for a few hours and my DM stays at ours a night... we holiday together, on top of that there's her aunt, uncle, my cousin plus her kids who DD spends one day a week with and a line in waiting really of people willing to have her - wanting to have time with her and to be regular people in her life.

One aunt in particular who she sees every few weeks minimum for an afternoon and who comes to our place in Wales often with us.

I still work around 2 days per week on a flexible business I share with DM, chosen to fit around DD, this is flexible but will likely grow into a busier role as the years go by...

Back to my question!! How do you know if your making the right decision to choose a sperm donor to have a second child? I look at our situation and think "ok you have the time, support and financial security." But it just seems so "practical!" Am I missing something?

I grew up with cousins, there were 3 of us and 3 of them all the same age (think synchronised pregnancies from my mum and her sister X 3!) we lived across the road from each other, went to the same school and hung around together. There is only 18 Months between me and my sister and I really love that.

I watch DD play and just think she deserves a sibling. I can be cooking dinner and notice she's alone in the living room - she could have company if a sibling - when we play on the park I'm aware that it's just her and me... it's very present and at the front of my mind. It makes me sad that she's the only one - for her.

I'm not exactly a "maternal" person, hated being pregnant as had complications and just didn't like the responsibility/immense fear feeling of it really, hated the birth and the first few months were really hard, I suffered with PND. Going through all of that as a single person really took its toll and there was an emptiness to it but once we figured it out and "landed" we were ok and settled into a routine..

What have OPs based their decision of having a second child on?

Has anyone any experiences of sperm donation/conception to share?

Will it feel different?

What if I regret it?

Is it really fair to bring another child into the world without a father?

I'd be really grateful for some help/advice on this huge decision for our little family...

I'm 35 and being realistic need to make a decision soon as "waiting to meet someone" just isn't on my agenda or likely... it would be way too risky to just see what happens in that respect..

Thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read or respond xx

Having two children is really hard. It's awful in many ways. Imagine being up all night with the baby,then the toddler is up at 5am (for a year). So bear that in mind! But if you think you have enough support then I don't see why not. But I have no experience of sperm donation. I'd just be a bit wary of unknown genetic personality traits and stuff.

In your situation I wouldnt do it. You describe an ideal current situation and say you're not maternal - so why change?

If your mum plays that large a role I'd also ask her opinion - if she doesn't want to / can't have 2 children will that change your opinion?

If you haven't done so already, I suggest you get in touch with the Donor Conception Network.

Re: is it fair to bring a child into the world without a father?

I think it would be a lot easier to explain to a child that they were created via a sperm donor and much loved by their one and only parent than to answer questions your daughter may have in the future about why her father rejected her. Not sure if I've worded that well? If you are financially and emotionally ready for another child then I wouldn't say it was irresponsible to have a child in this way.

HOWEVER... the start of your op reads a bit like a list of people you can palm your kids off onto! I might be reading that wrong and maybe you're keen to stress that she is well loved by family members despite not having a relationship with her father. So sorry if I've caused any offence.

What would you do if anything happened to your DM and your circumstances changed? Only reason I ask is that it seems like you (understandably as it sounds like she's a huge support) have a lot riding on her continued health- childcare and employment. I would ensure I had a plan of action in case, God forbid, anything happened that would mean you couldn't rely on her to the same extent (or at all). Don't make your decision to have another baby on the basis that your mother will always be around to help.

Also, your DD doesn't NEED a sibling. I have a friend who is a very happy only child and her own DD is also happily her only child. The DD used to ask for a sibling occasionally. Then the friend started dating someone who had kids- the harsh reality of an annoying little sister soon put her off! They are a very, very happy mother and daughter twosome. And I'm sure we all know families where siblings don't speak for various reasons. Don't have another child because you feel like you owe it to your DD. Have one because you want one.

Good luck whatever you decide.

2 children is 3 times the work. Given my time again I would stick at 1. Don't let me put you off but do think really hard before you do this!

Having a child for your existing child's sake is probably not the best idea. They may not even really want a sibling once the novelty has worn off.

If you want a child though, that's your choice. I wouldn't do it, but I can't say that for sure as I'm not in your position.

Voice of doom over here, but God forbid, you mum drops dead a month after you have baby number two.
If you took her and all her support (emotional as the prime one) away, could you still be okay?
I'm not trying to be mean, or shock you, but as someone who has lost a parent very suddenly (a long time ago) , you realize how much of a hole they leave behind.

In your situation I probably wouldn't. Your current set up sounds like it works really well for you. I think you'd find a lot of your family support in giving you childcare would decrease as looking after 2 is much harder. or they might look after your DD but you'd still have baby with you so wouldn't get that time you currently get

I wouldn't be surprised if you found your support network somewhat less willing to do the same for two kids. It's really a LOT more work! Plus it sounds like a lot of the people you rely on are aging and may not always be as capable as they are now. We have had a few people in our family become ill or die very unexpectedly in their late 50s and 60s, and it's really thrown me for a loop. You just don't ever know what's going to happen. Obviously none of us do and that doesn't mean we should never have children, but as a lone parent who is extremely reliant on external support I would think long and hard about whether you would want to manage the enormous additional burden of having two kids if you didn't have that support.

Hello,

As much as I can't stand to even think it I have considered the impact of losing Mum would have on us. It would be such a huge huge blow, we are a really close and tight knit family... if the unthinkable happened I would have to get a full time Nanny which is doable.

I'm really glad I posted and have the perspectives so far! I think I overcompensate somewhat to make sure DD has all these people in her life, varied contact with kids, adults, males etc as I worry about us just being two...

Going through PND and having no choice but to accept help when she was tiny MagicMoneyTree has made me a bit more careful to have people in place that DD has regular contact with and is familiar with should we ever need the backup again - plus I happily send her off to them each week for a day or so to be an adult and work and stay SANE! ;-)

Maybe it's ok to just be two and enjoy what we have... I'd happily skip going through it all again.

Is this going to be a burning question now, as a parent is it always in your mind about having more?

Maybe it's ok to just be two and enjoy what we have... I'd happily skip going through it all again.

There is your answer OP. You don't want to have another child. Enjoy the family you have.

It's completely normal to be an only child. Nearly half of families in the UK have one child. My dd is an only and most of her friends are too. It's not a problem. Your dd will not be disadvantaged.

You have a perfect, happy little family, that you can comfortably manage. No small feat! I can tell you, having 2 children is not like having 2 cats - it is 5x harder. Everything get more complicated and expensive. Also, like someone else wrote, what if your mum should suddenly pass away or become very ill? So much of your plan revolves around her. And what if you have another child and they have severe disabilities? How would you manage then?

I am an only child and I had a wonderful childhood. You and your child seem just perfect. Don't have another just to confirm to some ideal.

Wow I really didn't realise how common being an only child is that's great to hear that DD isn't at a disadvantage.

We are pretty similar in that we can happily enjoy silence together and don't have to be full on and loud to have fun IYSWIM.

I know for sure from this post and feedback that we aren't ready to add any more for now, and if we do it will be because I want one and not to satisfy a guilt over DD having no father - cathartic!

On another note, have any of you had to deal with questions about a father rejecting their child and being absent at all? Is there a better place to post this question?

Thanks ladies you've really helped me today and I'm grateful x

You may find the adoption board helpful - as they're used to handling loss and feelings of rejection in their children.

Sorry, if I worded that rejection bit in a clumsy way. I was just trying to say I don't think it would be unfair to have a baby using a sperm donor and that the explanation would potentially be easier than it will be for your current child- who may have more questions that need answering. I'm really sorry if I've made you worry about that op.

There's a whole section about donor conception on MN under the 'Becoming a Parent' topic. Might be worth posting there too.

We're currently trying to have a second child by sperm donation, though that's also how we conceived the first as we're lesbians. Don't really see the lack of a father as an issue. We also know some people who are single parents with children conceived by donor. Frankly I think that side of it is a non-issue.

The issues are whether you've got enough support network, and how you actually feel about it. Nothing wrong with wanting two children if you'll be able to support them, but personally I wouldn't do it because I felt guiltily that the first child needed a sibling.

MagicMoneyTree nothing to apologise about at all, it's nice that you took the time to respond - I wrote this thread thinking it was kind of a given that I should have another, a mixture of comments from various people and misplaced guilt I think. It was quite a shock when I conceived DD I was curious as to how people make the decision to have a child.

It's refreshing to see that we are not a minority and whatever decision is ok as long as it's what I as the parent want and feel... it's such a cluttered world as a parent isn't it, so much content out there of advice and views...

Focusing on the positives and daily triumphs of a happy family life will be more beneficial for us than what might be missing from the picture.

Regarding her absent father, I'd much rather face it head on and be prepared and informed to guide DD in the emotional journey, which will come. It will be a string to her bow in life experience I guess, and the good thing is she's not short of people around her..

Does the child have to come via a sperm doner. Could you adopt?

Focusing on the positives and daily triumphs of a happy family life will be more beneficial for us than what might be missing from the picture.

Absolutely. I can completely understand why - via various influences that suggest what an "ideal" family should look like - you have focused on providing a sibling for your DD (perhaps even more so to compensate for her father not being there?) there are all kinds of people telling us what our lives should or shouldn't look like. What matters is that your DD is loved and provided for and it sounds like she has both of those.

Sounds like you both have lots of people who think the world of you both and there are a lot of positives that lie ahead for you two.

Don't have a baby because you think your DD deserves a sibling. Have a baby because you want one and if you don't really want one don't have one.
Your DD will be fine as an only child and your life will certainly be easier

I've also wondered about going it alone for a second child. DS was conceived right at the end of a casual relationship so I did the whole of pregnancy onwards just me&DS. His Dad's never been involved. He's nearly 3 now and after hating pregnancy and being ill after the birth I swore I'd never do it again. But part of me wants another.

I feel guilty I've failed to give him a father and I feel like I've failed to give him a sibling too. I don't understand the sibling guilt part. I grew up an only child and I'm content as an only. My mum was an only too and never minded. My Dad doesn't get on with his sibling. I think what I'm trying to say is I'm kind of making peace with DS being an only on the basis I couldn't give to two children what I give to one emotionally or financially and there's no guarentee he'd get on with a sibling if he had one. I'm not sure how to get past the what if part though. Maybe that bit doesn't go!

Hopefully it'll just be a matter of time.