AIBU to ask for your advice on heading off depression?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Really long, sorry! I previously posted this a few days ago on chat but only got one reply (and thank you to that poster!) but things are getting worse and I just found out that it's a ten week wait for counselling through work, so am reposting here for traffic. I know that's a bit unreasonable in and of itself, sorry!

I have a history of depression/anxiety - mostly low level, but around four years ago I had a very bad episode lasting about a year. I eventually felt better after some counselling and medication (citalopram). I would say I've been doing pretty well for about three years, but the memory of how things got (I had a period of suicidal thoughts and there were a few months where things were really bleak) has really stuck with me and I've always been so scared of going back to that place.

I've had three (early, obviously) miscarriages in the last five months. The last was about three weeks ago and I'm waiting for testing, but in the knowledge that it's likely they won't find any particular cause. I am not coping well at all. It feels like I can feel the anxiety and depression creeping back on me but I don't know how to stop it. My sleeping patterns have gone funny again (sleeping too much but never feeling rested) and I'm very tearful. I go between a complete lack of motivation about my work and then moments of horrible, gripping panic about what I haven't got done. I lost my temper about absolutely nothing with my (lovely, patient) husband on Saturday. I can tell that he's scared that I'll go back to that really bad place, too - and I wonder whether he's willing to do it again (I wouldn't blame him if not).

I feel so stuck and panicky. Although we're currently taking a break from TTC I do want to get back to it as soon as we can after testing, which means I don't want to take antidepressants - but then I also know it's not a good idea to get pregnant with untreated depression! I don't know what to do. I have tried to exercise but I know I haven't been disciplined enough about it (and I only stopped bleeding last week, which put me off doing anything but walking). Having a break from work isn't an option as I've been so unproductive recently, and I also don't know if it helps to keep busy, anyway. Last time it felt like bad depression just crept up on me - this time I feel like I can see it coming but feel helpless! I'm also scared that because of my past experiences I'm making this bigger than it has to be and so almost bringing it on myself. I'm looking for advice, similar experiences and maybe a little bit of hand-holding...

Sorry for your losses

I've experienced episodes of anxiety and depression since my mid teens. I'm getting pretty good at spotting my own 'early warning signs' and heading off full blown episodes now. The following things work for me when I feel my mood dipping:

-Meditation (the Headspace app is good)
-Yoga
-Walking
-Avoiding social media

• I have emailed Samaritans when feeling overwhelmed before. It's very therapeutic because you can offload and get all your negative, anxious thoughts out but it's also anonymous.

Thank you so much for all the advice and kind words everyone. I'm sorry that so many of you have had such horrible experiences and periods of illness, but it does help to feel less alone. DH is amazing and tries really hard to help me when I'm bad, but there's something different about talking to people who have been there themselves. And writing this thread worked to the extent that I managed to get it together to go for a run just now - a sort of 'how can you moan on at all those people but not try the one thing you know works!'. I know that it's keeping it up that I find hard, though.

Why did you come off the citalopram? If you have an imbalance in the brain and it works, why stop? If you had diabetes, would you stop the insulin?

Because while it certainly made me feel better than I had in the midst of depression I had side effects and it made me feel better but not quite right (I know this isn't everyone's experience, but it is mine). For the last two years I'd say I felt significantly better than I did while on it. Also, importantly, my GPs view was that while taking citalopram while pregnant is sometimes necessary and justified, it's not ideal. Three miscarriages down, I'm anxious enough without adding in extra things to worry about!

I'm glad you decided on a run. It's the one thing that works for me.
I get depression on and off, currently it's really quite bad (starting IVF, sisters terminal diagnosis and some work issues all came at once). I knew it was here when I got stuck on the sofa with no desire to move.
I find what really helps is prioritising what I'm going to spend my energy on and being clear that anything else can do one (currently enjoying refusing to stand in as manager at work). And a run every day- that motivates me, reduces the anxiety and reminds me that I do actually like being alive.
I highly recommend running with your arms out pretending to fly/ its daft enough to make me smile on the worst of days.