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AIBU to be hurt by these comments

23 replies

littlelolo · 05/07/2017 08:19

I've not one to moan about my MIL, we get on really well and are in regular contact. I love that I have a good relationship with her.... however she has sometimes made some comments that really upset me... mainly because we get on so well and the come completely out of nowhere. DH says he's sure she doesn't mean anything by it and she just doesn't think- I do agree with this because she's not a nasty person. However how many times can that excuse be used? It's becoming more and more frequent, especially since DD arrived 6 months ago and now I'm starting to think, she's not stupid, she's extremely intelligent- why would she say these things!!? The most recent thing is insinuating that I contribute nothing at the moment because I'm on maternity leave. I recently got a part time job that fits perfectly around child care and she didn't congratulate me, she just commented that it would finally take some pressure off of DH as I'd now be contributing. This particular comment pisses me off because she's made comments about this before DD insinuating because DH cooked the week day evening meals, that I don't contribute much.....forgetting the fact that I do EVERYTHING else!!! Even the sodding meal plan and frankly I feel it's a good deal that works for us. AIBU? I don't think I'm being too precious but maybe I am!!!

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 05/07/2017 08:27

She's still your husband's mother and from a different generation. She's thinking about her son and wanting to protect him from the responsibilities of life. Men used to come home from work and be waited on regardless of their wife's input and contributions. A part- time job was seen as pocket money.
Maybe gently remind her by a teasing challenge about being the one who does everything else.

vikingprincess81 · 05/07/2017 08:31

Ohhhh boy - I have to go to work not dropping my kids at fam at 6.30 but this I do know about. Because my DH is well trained behaved, he makes dinner/does chores etc too. I've had MIL jabs about this for years. Remind her you're caring for her grandchild, I mean, what could be more important?? Just be firm and assertive when you remind her that it's not 1950 any more, and men will be absolutely fine if they have to make dinner now and then Grin

ArchieStar · 05/07/2017 09:47

Asked if she worked while raising kids and how she contributed to the household if she didn't. How old is DC if you're still on mat leave?!

RB68 · 05/07/2017 09:53

I'd be like he may cook, but who lines it all up and does the shopping then picks his pants off the floor to wash before putting them away - not you anymore is it.

Sometimes you have to be blunt.

pigsDOfly · 05/07/2017 10:02

Nothing to do with her how you balance out things in your relationship. If you were abusive her with to protect him would be understandable, otherwise, she really need to stop making comments.

Replies along the lines of 'it works for us, I'm sure you had ways of doing things that worked for you and FIL when your DCs were growing up that wouldn't suit us'. Alternatively, you could tell her to poke her nose out, but that might sour your relationship with her somewhat.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/07/2017 10:06

Tell her I contributed big time to the family when I pushed your grandaughter out! I think you'll find caring for her whilst DH works is also a massive contribution. However, your remarks are merely contributing to you becoming the sterotypical MIL whose DS can do no wrong! Back off bitch (well maybe not that bit)!

Whatsername17 · 05/07/2017 10:20

The next time she says anything, remind her that you are a team.

Northend77 · 05/07/2017 10:25

vikingprincess81 "I have to go to work not dropping my kids at fam at 6.30" Grin Grin Grin

Sorry littlelolo, just a joke off another thread but I did lol!!

It's really hard as your MIL needs to butt out, it's none of her business but I don't think I'd be able to not make some comments in response, along the lines of detailing what you do for the family and how can she not think it's contributing

Ceto · 05/07/2017 10:27

If she's in her 50s or 60s, she really doesn't come from that different a generation. I know plenty of people of that age who wouldn't dream of expecting the little woman to wait on them.

aprilanne · 05/07/2017 10:28

just because she comes from a different generation does not mean she has to be nasty .i was a sahm but my daughter in law works and my son helps with the chores and the girls and so he should. he is there father and god he can make a mess. critizing your dil is a sure fire way to sour family relations maybe your hubby needs to inform her of this fact .

on the other hand my hubby does not think my dil should work a mothers place is in the home according to the oldest 50 year old on the planet but he would never dare say this to our son .

QWQuee · 05/07/2017 10:28

She sounds bloody rude and i think you need to answer her back

glitterlips1 · 05/07/2017 10:42

I think you have to throw some good one liners back, make her think twice about her comments. I don't see how the finances in your home have anything to do with her.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/07/2017 10:44

My grandmother was 99 when she died last year.

She wouldn't ever have thought or uttered such rubbish

Notknownatthisaddress · 05/07/2017 10:45

YANBU she is a cheeky mare. Whether she is from a 'different generation' or not is irrelevant - it's none of her business. And why do people think all stay at home mums are doing fuck-all all day, and the poor wee man is slogging and toiling to bring home the bacon?! Do me a favour!

Your husband needs to have a word with her, and tell her to butt out.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/07/2017 10:47

Oh and the old lady currently sat next to me reading over my shoulder just snorted and said

"My dear I am the generation most likely to think that staying home with the kids during the working day is the biggest contribution"

She then muttered some nonsense about the weather so I'm ignoring her now

astrantiamajor · 05/07/2017 10:48

Have a concerned look on your face, tilt your head to one side and say,
"Are you feeling OK, MiL? It's not like you to make unkind remarks"

Hopefully that will catch her off guard. If she tries to justify what she said, don't engage just smile patronisingly and pat her arm. Keep doing it and she might get the message.

Notknownatthisaddress · 05/07/2017 10:52

Yeah do the one liners thing. Grin

How am I meant to catch up on Love Island, Big Brother, and corrie, and get through my netflix marathons if I go to work? And don't even get me STARTED on how I would have time to go to the gym, go swimming, go shopping, and have time to have my hair and nails done. Grin

Something along those lines....................

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 05/07/2017 10:57

I would ask her what "contribution" she was making when dh was 6 months old. If she says she was a sahm then you reply "what no contribution at all?"

DJBaggySmalls · 05/07/2017 11:00

Thats a nasty thing to say and your DH has no business supporting it.

littlelolo · 05/07/2017 11:01

Thank you all for confirming I'm not being too precious!! I said to my DH that imagine if I started commenting that she only works part time and it would be good for her to up her hours to take the pressure of FIL who works his arse off btw. And to clarify no she only went back to work part time when her youngest was 8 and they weren't exactly well off. She didn't WORK before having children either. P.s loving the workzilla thread Grin

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 05/07/2017 12:41

I loved and adored my mother'n'law for eight years until I had children and our relationship changed. You are not being unreasonable, but you need to find a way to pull her up on these things now so you don't get into a pattern of holding your tongue and she thinks it's ok to have little digs. I have now held my tongue for so long unfortunately I can't bare my mother'n'law - so I hope you are able up fix things so you continue to enjoy a good relationship.

Babypassport · 05/07/2017 12:48

My MIL is absolutely lovely but also very overprotective of DH. She still hasn't forgiven me for stopping ironing DH's shirts when I worked a 60-hour week and him a 40! Also what DH says goes, and if I contradict him I get a little shocked face from MIL.

It bothered me too. Might be worth you saying something, especially if the digs are getting more frequent.

phoolani · 05/07/2017 12:53

Niggling about DH cooking dinner wouldn't massively bother me; it's ignorant and old-fashioned but meh. What bothers me hugely - in general - is this idea that you're not 'contributing'. FFS! You both decided to have a baby and somebody has to look after that baby. Your 'work' has changed, not become non-existent! Not fucking contributing! This makes my blood boil and I would have eviserated anyone who said it to me when I was on mat leave. Or ever.

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