16 month old DD not consistently self-feeding with spoon

[MumazAZ09]

DD has just turned 16 months and is getting pretty good at feeding herself with a spoon. However, she often gets frustrated because food falls off the spoon, and then she starts picking handfuls of food up with her fingers. To be honest, I'm not at all bothered by this: when she starts using her fingers, I just give her a few moments to get over her frustration and then try to offer her the spoon again when she's calmed down. I also make a big fuss of her and tell her how clever she is when she uses the spoon herself. I figure she's still getting a lot of practice with her cutlery skills, which are coming on nicely.

However, my mother (who looks after DD some days when I'm at work) has been making it a big deal for a while that DD has to self-feed every mouthful with the spoon. If DD starts using her fingers, she says "NO! We DON'T do that!" and takes the food out of her hands.

I'm starting to feel guilty and anxious about mealtimes because I haven't managed to achieve 100 per cent spoon-feeding with DD - I started getting stressed out about an hour before she's due to eat. Can anyone reassure me that I'm not damaging her development by taking a laidback approach?

Mate, I still struggle with food falling off my spoon.

Your mum needs to chill, she is still learning fine motor control. At 16 months she is still a baby.

My DD is nearly 4.5yo and will still use her hands. Actually she'd still prefer me to feed her. She just finds feeding herself boring and it drives me insane to spend 30mins encouraging her to eat a bowl of cereal

She can do it, she just can't be arsed.

So I wouldn't worry just yet!

Laid back is always best around food. I don't encourage spoon use I just offer it. At 23 months my DD is very good at using a spoon and fork but uses fingers when easier. Same as me really! Can you talk t o your mum along the lines that you are worried inconsistency in approach will upset and confuse DD. If you are feeling anxious is this bringing up issues from your own childhood? Worth reflecting on this if it does.

Your mother is bonkers, and frankly rather cruel.
She's 16 months ffs.
DD is 4 and I have to remind her to use cutlery - that's the age it's reasonable to say "you must use your spoon" not 16 months!
Seriously, put your big girl pants on and tell your DM to back off before she starts creating food issues for your child. Trust me, a child with food issues is not something to be taken lightly.

That's completely normal at 16 months. My 7 year old still has to be reminded to use her cutlery. If she had her way, she'd just use fingers!

Oh dear. Tell your mum how important it is to be relaxed around food. Tell her that you're allowing dd to eat with her fingers and that it's some new psychology thing or that the doctor said you should, whatever would mollify your mum.

I agree with nutbrownhare. I would bet money that your mum did the same to you as a baby and that is why you're getting so anxious now.

Could you change the type of food you serve for a while - major on dry food that doesn't need a spoon and let her eat with her fingers?

At 16mo 2 of my 3 were refusing to touch cutlery, or be spoon fed. I got good at finger food.

Wow, seriously your dm really needs to stop that! You and your dd are fine. My dd is not long 2 and can use spoon and fork perfectly fine but generally prefers fingers! Don't turn it into a battle.

Learning to enjoy food and mealtimes is far more important than cutlery at this age.

Agree with everyone above. Ds is 21months and really tries to use his spoon and fork but often uses his fingers. He definitely eats More if he uses his hands. Your dd is still learning, I think your mum has very high expectations of a baby!

We did BLW . They are having fun and learning however they do it. If she is still doing it at 16 years, it might be time to step in. Don't let you mum take the fun out of food or it might start becoming a control issue for your child.

Ignore your mum. You dd is still very young. Give it another year and she should be much better at it. For now fingers aren't the end of the world.

Your DD is still a baby. My DS ate mainly with his hands until well over two, when he wanted to use a fork like a grown up, and even then he still uses his hands if it's something a bit tricky.

I am nearly 30, I still prefer to use my fingers but can and do use cutlery perfectly well, and obviously do use cutlery when appropriate. Your mum needs to back off on this.

I was a room leader with under two's in a nursery. At an Ofsted inspection, one of my team were pulled up by the Inspector for constantly saying "use a spoon use a spoon" to the children (the one was 19 months).

Her words were that as long as they are self feeding, hands every now and again is no problem and shouldn't be a problem.

Under development guidelines it says the following.

Physical development 8 to 20 months. Grasps finger foods and brings to mouth. Attempts to use a spoon. Can guide towards mouth but food often falls off.

22-36 months feeds self competently with spoon.

And for what it's worth, I still drop food off my fork/spoon.

Wow that's harsh of your DM! Dd1 who is 6.5 will still eat with her fingers if I'm not watching Dd2 who is 22 months has just started with a fork, she likes to try to eat everything with a fork but it's just a phase. I do expect her to start back eating with her fingers when she gets bored of the fork!

In the nicest possible way, I think we may be damaging our dc insisting they hit every milestone and then never relaxing that standard.

Mealtimes should be pleasant. It doesn't matter at all if a toddler uses her fingers: it's not actually going to screw up her entire motor development if you occasionally even do a spot of spoon-feeding when you're in a hurry; what matters is that mealtimes are fun and that she is given plenty of time to explore.

At an Ofsted inspection in our baby room, one member of staff was pulled aside and told to stop making a big deal about cutlery not being used.

Under development guidelines it states;

Physical development: 8 to 20 months. Child begins to use a spoon though food frequently falls off.

Physical development 22-36 months feeds self competently with spoon.

She is well within range so just tell your Mom actually no, she's doing ok and to stop turning mealtimes into a big deal. It's far more important to eat and enjoy the food at this age.

And because I thought the first message hadn't posted, I felt the need to tell you twice!

The most important thing is that the child is eating. Who cares how they do it. My 3 year old eat with her hands, sometime using cutlery, or if she's trying to play and she has only ate half then I feed her so she actually gets good it

What they are eating is more important than how at this age. The problem with trying to push using cutlery before they are ready is that they can get frustrated and give up before they are full. Toddlers are willful little beasties, do this enough and they will just start refusing the food altogether as it becomes too stressful for them.

Nope, my son is 20 months and doesn't use a spoon consistently x

My kids ate with their hands for rather a long time until my DSis couldn't bare it any more. They were v close in age and if I wanted to eat anything they needed to feed themselves one way or another. So they did.

Tell mum to let it go.

Absolutely normal and sounds exactly the same as my DS who is also 16 months. He usually uses a spoon for the first half of the meal or so, then starts to get a bit frustrated and starts to use his hands. It's funny when he picks up food with his hands and puts it on the spoon to eat

Our attitudes towards parenting have changed a lot since your mum was in charge. Your little one will use cutlery all the time when she is ready. Has mum started making noises about potty training yet? Apparently we were all fully trained by 18 months in the 1970s & 80s!

Does you DM never pick up a chip with her fingers; actually, she probably doesn't from the sound of it.

She needs to back off or she's going to turn eating into a battle, one that you are going to have to sort out.

If she has this strict attitude to eating what is she like when it comes to potty training. I'd be having a serious talk with her about her approach to it. If she's still going to be looking after your DD when that happens and she's over strict she could land with all sorts of issues.