to give up?

[eeniemeenieminiemoe2014]

Short version:

2.5 year old highly likely ASD toddler
baby in the midst of teething and constipation hell
their dad left our lives in january not seen them since

toddler doesnt sleep, she wakes every 45-90 minutes. baby doesnt sleep. everynight I finally get them both down at 9ish, numerous wale ups and up for thr day 6am sharp. toddler is hard hard work because pf ASD.

health visitor is coming tomorrow, my lounge kitchen and kids room looks like ww3 has taken place. lounge has toys everywhere, my kids room is my laundry mountain, kitchen i havent xleaned up from dinner yet. Im so so tired and I am just at the point I cant do it anymore.

ai just had to hand my notice in at work so im jobless, I have no more money coming in and I am trying to sort benefits but everything is a paperwork nightmare that ai have no clue how to navigate.

I cosleep with baby, I have had a child of one form or another attached to me 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the last 6 months.

I dont really know what to do next but i frel at breaking point, my head hurts. needed to get this off my chest.

:( this wasnt how life was meant to be

oh and the cat i rehomed bevause i couldnt cope with him, last week had fleas which I cant get rid off and me and toddler are now being bitten to hell. marvelous

do you have friends or family near that could take the kids for a few hours to get some sleep? Sounds like you've got so much going on and it all gets on top of you when you're not getting much sleep doesn't it xx

no i lost all my friends when I got in the relationship, I'm 24 so they are all at completely different life stages to me at the moment. my mum and dad are local but my dad is also ASD and cant cope woth the kids even with me there and my mum openly admits to loving the kids but only through pictures and not in person.

feel so alone and so much to do tonight but im sat here doi g sod all except cry instead

This sounds so hard for you, OP. I am sorry you are going through this on your own.
Forget the mess, don't worry about it. The things you can do to help right now is:
1/ be really honest with the HV, ask for help with sleeping.
2/ are there any 2s groups where you can drop your 2yr old off for an hour or two? Or can friends/family help?
3/ try and get time to fill in your benefits forms.

The rest you are going to have to just take, one day at a time. I know it's hard but try to do one thing each day, just for you, paint your toe nails, take a bath, call a friend etc.

Do you go to any baby/toddler groups? That might help - meet some other mum's who could at least share the pain of going through the same thing? My DC are just coming through the sleeping badly and wanting me every minute of the day. I even went to the loo on my own today , so it will get better I promise. But I did find that a local mum network really helps xx

Don't want to read and run op. Have a good cry, it's bad days, sleep deprivation is torture but it will get better. Have a good chat with your health visitor that's what their there for. Also indorex spray is great for fleas x

Didn't want to read and run.

I actually don't know what to say but I hope somebody comes along who does.

Oh and it you haven't tried it anbesol liquid from the pharmacist was a god send for my teething DD (that and nurofen when she was particularly struggling).

Hello, that sounds really rough for you and strangely I feel the same way at the moment because of more or less the things you are describing except I still have a spouse. (I even looked up symptoms of having a nervous breakdown tonight). The things you can also do immediately is check out any parent advisory groups in your area that advise you about all things SEN. They might be run by your council (call the SEN department) or may be a local charity. Ring organisations such as Homestart that may be able to provide you with a volunteer to help out for a couple of hours a week for free. Call Portage for play therapy in the home and possible play groups. You may also be eligible for some respite through a charity called Kids..www.kids.org.uk . Also those advice organisations will help you go through the paperwork for benefits. I won't lie that these ages are very tough and there is limited respite. Does your toddler go to nursery? Should be eligible for free funding getting a place in a fully free nursery is another matter. Good luck and hope you get some sleep and help.

This all sounds so hard. As a PP has said, please be honest with your HV tomorrow. Also get in touch with your children's centre re what support they can offer.

On a financial note, have you applied for DLA for your daughter? You do not need a diagnosis. You just have to prove that she takes significantly more care than another child of her age. If successful you can then also claim carer's allowance if your income is below a certain amount. Children's centre might be able to point you in the direction of someone to help you do the form, or if not the CAB. Don't do it alone as it's a heartbreaking exercise.

Thank you for all the advice will go through all them in the morning as my head is pounding.

Its such a weird feeling to adore two people so much but to find them so draining.

I was about to have a bath and apparantly its a night terror night so there goes that!

my head hurts :(

How did today go for you. Did you manage to get a break? How was the HV?

That sounds pretty awful op. It was mentioned earlier but it was a brief mention so if you're frazzled you may not have noticed it: if you're a single parent/you earn under a certain threshold which you will if you no longer have a job, your 2.5 year old will be eligible for free hours at nursery. It would be a break from the demands of your toddler and I wonder if your dm could - despite 'loving them through photos rather than in person' - be persuaded to come to yours (so that your asd df doesn't have to struggle with them) and just do a few hours with the baby whilst toddler at nursery so that you can sleep. She sounds frankly unhelpful but also open to some guilt-tripping due to her desire to pay lip service to loving them.
Also, this sounds obvious but when my ds was going through a refusing to nap phase I had to be constantly reminded by oh of the obvious steps to take. If you have kitchen cleaning to do, try putting the baby in a sling whilst you do it. If you do it when she's due a nap I bet she sleeps for longer that way so you have more time to get on with things.
Finally, not sure whether your baby's lack is f sleep is temporary and due to teething or whether it's constant but perhaps look into enlarged adenoids. My ds and several other babies I know of were terrible sleepers and it turned out to be enlarged adenoids meaning they struggled to breathe when lying down. This would mean firstly that the sling could work wonders for daytime naps and secondly that you would need to get that dealt with but subsequently sleep issues would greatly improve.

Hope your feeling better op

things are still dire, having more or less back to back migraines from stress/tiredness.

health visitor saw how overwhelmed I was and is coming once a week to break tasks down and do it step at a time.

My biggest crisis point is money thats beyond dire and im really nervous social services are going to see Im clearly not coping with everything.

Baby is 9 months but 12.5kg, slinging him is more than my back can take anymore.

my parents just arent interested, thats fine and their choice and their loss but it does mean I am painfully on my own.

OP, do your parents know how overwhelmed you feel? That spur DM into helping.

yeah they do, but they didnt really manage parenting me as I was apparantly a devil child and my children are apparantly even worse than I was. its a very complicated messy situation with them :(

Please put in a claim for Disability Living allowance for your toddler, you don't need a definite diagnosis. get some help filling out the form from CAB and send as much evidence/ reports etc as you can.
If awarded it will be a couple of extra hundred a month and will get you a good chunk of extra tax credits. You can use the extra money to buy some help maybe pay for a cleaner for an hour or two or someone to mind the kids whilst you have a break.
Make sure you detail on the form how many times a night you are being woken etc and how much extra care your child needs.
Don't be afraid to tell your HV that you need help, perhaps a referral to surestart.
I hope things improve for you soon.

You have so much on your plate and have done really well to manage up to this point. Have you thought about going to GP to see what support and advice they can offer? Also, you mention being worried about social services, but maybe their involvement would be helpful (and doesn't mean you are not a good mum). In the short term, you sound in serious need of a decent sleep, is there noone at all that could sit with your kids for a couple of hours to give you a break? Don't be afraid to be honest about how you're feeling and ask for help. Also, am sure you were not a devil child and that your children are lovely (but hard work, like all children), this sounds like your parents issues, not yours. Xx

Get in touch with www.home-start.org.uk/about-us

They may be able to help you with physical support and also may have someone who can help you with form filling.
You have taken the biggest step by asking on here for advice