AIBU to wonder how parents learn to live with worrying about their children?

[adlertippa]

Hello all,

I'm laid in bed with my shiny new son asleep next to me, he's a week old and my first child. We've had a lovely first week but in quiet times I find myself daydreaming about the years ahead.

I'm suddenly acutely aware of everything I've put my own parents through in the last 15 or so years! I've done quite a bit of shoestring travelling including hitchiking and going off grid for weeks at a time. I've also chosen a stressful physical career that can be a bit exciting and I've done medical/aid work in some very dodgy places.

I don't regret any of it but hypocritically I'm looking at my tiny lad and kind of hoping he wants to be a landscape painter or a florist with no wanderlust!

Seriously though, I would love to hear from less-inexperienced parents about how you balance worrying about your kids with wanting them to live life and try new things. I can kind of see that maybe I just need to learn to live with a low level of worry, as the cost of loving someone so much. But does it get any easier? I've had a front row seat to plenty of worst-case-scenarios at work so keeping those fears in perspective is already quite a bit of work.

Thank you for reading

It's so lovely to read an OP from someone in the first flush of parental love. There's nothing quite like it, is there?

As Sylvia Plath once wrote, having children is akin to watching your heart put on a face and walk out into the world.

Feel all the love, and feel the fear, but let them fly anyway. I'm sure you will. For now, bask in the exhausting glory of having made a brand new human. Congratulations!

I can remember wanting to guard my new babies like a lioness....
I still feel the 'wanting to protect them' urge very clearly even though one is in their twenties and the other is mid-teens.
It's part of being a mum, and wanting (and needing, in a way) the best for your child.
It's also part of being a parent, it waves and wanes as time goes on, but can still catch you out occasionally as they get older.
It's a good thing.

Ah - maybe that's why I've not had too many worries. I was a pretty low-maintenance, non-risk-taking child and teenager, so karma maybe isn't due to bite me on the arse!

You don't stop worrying. My DC are in their twenties. I have had to learn to control my anxiety but there are times when it can be almost overwhelming. The love, happiness and pride does outweigh the worry though. Congratulations.

Oh, and the 'Mama Bear' I'm hanging my head in shame for even typing that god awful phrase instinct doesn't go away. It extends to my DH too - if anyone messes with any of the vikings we close ranks and protect our own - that's just natural, don't worry about it

I have form 😳
At my very worse I pulled mine out of a holiday club, admittedly in a foreign country with very different safeguarding standards. Pre mobile phone days, age 9 alone in a taxi; actually thinking about it that was quite a sane response!
It gets better- she and her sister are currently 5 and 9,000 miles away. I still have flashes of panic but I'm genuinely proud of them and live vicariously through their adventures.
I do now realise the seeds of the anxiety were definitely there when they were born- do look after your mental health now.
Congratulations.

My lad is 17 and I'm SE Asia for a month long adventure/volunteering school trip.

It's very odd because I'm used to him not being here as he's been away to lots of camps etc, has a job, is out socialising a lot but I just suddenly think 'He's on the other side of the world!' They're in the middle of nowhere with no internet so assuming all must be well. But he's my baby!

I really miss him and am really proud of his independence at the same time.

You get used to it but you never stop feeling it.

I think the truly honest answer to your question op is that you never stop worrying, you just learn to contain it a bit better and not always project it outwards.

Mine are 7 and 4. Every day terrifies me and atleast once a week I'll struggle to sleep because I'm thinking about "what-ifs" e.g what if there's a fire? How would we escape?

I think I have some undiagnosed anxiety issues

I went to work in an actual war zone for a year. Now that I have a daughter myself, I'm in awe that my own mum let me go because no fucking way am I letting mine out of her cotton wool cocoon

the hardest part of love is the letting go

I have 5 dc. I don't worry any less about my 6ft tall, almost 17 year old son than I do about my tiny 4 year old daughter. I keep my very worst fears locked up in a little box in my mind only daring to think about them very occasionally or else I would lose my mind!

I wave my son off to parties or days out with a cheery, 'Have a lovely time! Be careful. Call me if you need me.' While the dark bits of my mind imagine a policeman on my doorstep, or a stab wound or a drugs overdose. I feel like I hold my breath until he comes home.

Then when he returns home I breathe again and wish he was still tiny asleep on my chest. I casually ask if he had fun and tell him I'm glad he had a nice time and then just thank the universe that he is back and safe!

The hardest part of having children isn't the sleepless nights or the tantrums, it's the realisation that the whole point is to raise them so that they don't need you anymore. From the minute they are born it is the beginning of letting go.

It has been worth all the worry. I am so proud of him and the life he is making for himself. I see myself in him and feel like he is carrying a bit of me into a place I will never really go. It is all kind of magical really.

Congratulations on your baby OP.

Oh happy I have 5 DC too and am crying reading your post.
Yes, yes to all of that.
OP you may feel littles are hard work but they are the easy bit, enjoy every second.

From the minute they are born it is the beginning of letting go.

This. So much this.

With each year I worry more as DD moves away from the time I always knew where she was towards the independant life I want for her.

But I don't 'want' it. Secretly I want her to live at home forever, giving me hugs (although these days it's like being hugged by a Great Dane) and letting me tuck her in bed. With each year time speeds up and my worry for her grows.

Soon she'll be off on her own and I'll pray that the roots I've given her are strong enough so that her wings keep her safe and bring her home once in a while.

The worry is ridiculous. My 5.5yo has a tummy ache. I'm sure she just needs a poo but those little snippets of "what if it's something serious?" sneak into my thoughts occasionally at times like this. She's also currently losing her baby teeth and I feel irrationally sad about it.

Enjoy your new little guy 💙

If anyone wants a little cry, have a listen to this.

Congratulations OP. I have to admit with 2 (eldest 5yo) I struggle with all this still. I'm constantly imagining unrealistic situations that they could get themselves and giving myself nightmares. They can sometimes keep me up at night (although I do also suffer from insomnia).

I think I've just become used to it now though. I have regularly apologised to my mum for all the crap I put her through now (both knowingly and unknowingly).