Where do I start ?Elderly Mothers Advice please!

[Zoeey]

Sorry if this rambles but I don't know where else to turn.

My mum is 77years young, no major health concerns thankfully, apart from ibs and occasional flares, hard of hearing (wears hearing aids when she can be bothered to wear them!).

I've been with my hubby near 30 yrs but only recently got married.

I have one anxious teenager who has sought counselling for low self esteem, confidence issues and anxiety and although showing some signs of improvement is not quite there yet.

I have a disability which can be trying at times but I manage to the best of my ability.

My husband and I have grew up together and as my mother was on her own after ending an abusive relationship we included her in everything., meals out to restaurants, holidays, short breaks and days out etc.

My husband and I enjoyed her company so it was never and issue.

Fast forward to the last couple of years my mother has become very demanding.

And it started not long after my hubby and I decided that we were getting married!

Overnight she decided that she didn't like him and would bad mouth him to anyone who would listen.

This left my husband and I very upset and confused.

The wedding went ahead and my mum gave me away with no problems.

But the relationship as you can imagine between my husband and my mum is strained.

For as many years as I can remember I've tried to get my mum to socialise with people her own age and interests which she will make up excuses not to.

This has become a problem over the past two years as I am not as active as before due to my disability and had to give up work on medical grounds. I think my mother thought that this meant that we would be out and about more but it has been the opposite.

I see my mum two to three times a week, sometimes more and take her shopping or have a little day out. It's not enough!

She refuses to join any social clubs to meet people (unless I go) and I don't want to but I've offered to take her and her neighbour there every week and pick them up afterwards.

Now every six weeks I get the silent treatment or she wishes she was dead, she's lonely , she's stuck in looking a the four walls.

Today feeling drained myself I took her shopping only for her to come off with the above again!

I took off to be honest.

I said you've lost your friends over the years because they got fed up of always visiting you and you not visiting them, everything I suggest you make excuses not to go and I'm fed up of the same conversation every few weeks.

My mother only wants to go out if I go with her.

Now middle aged I am tired of spreading my time around with little to myself.

I know she's depressed but won't go the gp, she will say no one's visited but I know from family members that they have.

I haven't been well enough to go abroad on holiday for seven years but my consultant signed me fit to go on a short break away with my husband and our child in June.

It was only for a few days but my mother gave me earache weeks before because she weren't going!

So I've booked a holiday for her, myself and other family members for next year and she is still not happy.

Can anybody relate?

My mother has all it facilities (abielt selective memory on her terms) and apart from old age slight aches and pains the gp said she's healthy.

My husband says she's acting childish and is self centred.

Is this normal for a single parent when older to become more demanding.

Now I feel guilty and annoyed because I feel I have to be my mums social life when I just want to rest.

I'm in my early forties and physically and mentally wore out.

Sorry it's a ramble can anyone relate or any advice welcomed.

Yes, your mother may be elderly, but that doesn't give her the right to emotionally terrorize you. Go on your holiday and enjoy yourself, and start making some clear boundaries in regards to your time spent Molly coddling her. She may be upset, but trust me, she's lived this long so she'll get over it. She's responsible for her own happiness.

At the end of the day it's up to your mum if she goes to clubs etc. sounds as if you are already doing quite a lot with her. My suggestion is that you plan to give yourself the time that you need for yourself to rest recover etc and pamper yourself. If you are still seeing her regularly then May be you have to set some boundaries and not give in, it's sounds as if she is sulking to get her own way. Be kind to yourself

She sounds like my mother. She's been a widow for 30 years, and for most of the first ten it was just me and her (much older sibling).

I moved to the other side of the country about 15 years ago. I know she hates it, but a) I love it here and b) if I lived near her I'd be in your exact shoes:

• She won't go to "clubs for old people" (like a friend of mine does, and enjoys), because they'll be boring and she's not at that stage yet.

• I suggested she went to the school at the end of the road (2 mins walk away if that) and listen to the children read or something (as she used to be a teacher) but she refused, because she "would be a better teacher than the class teacher and she wouldn't be able to stop herself taking over (despite last teaching primary about 50 years ago).

• She doesn't get on with my sibling, so won't go on holiday with her unless I go (over my dead body), and won't go to visit her, yet can't come to see me until she visits her. It's been 3 years.

I could go on. The only way I can cope is to keep this distance, and see her when I can on my terms. It's only going to be a couple of times this year as life is very stressful, but I need to think of myself.

I suspect her friends think I'm evil and selfish. She did once tell my cousin she wasn't allowed to visit me, conveniently forgetting that the time she was alluding to I had incredibly good reasons why I needed to be on my own.

All I can say is that she is not your responsibility. You have offered her solutions, it is not your problem she chooses to refuse them.

I assume you live in a close location to your mother if you are able to visit regularly

What would your mother do if you lived a long distance away ?

I would stick to set days that you visit and set times (for your own health)

If she doesnt want to join any clubs with the help of you taking her, then that is her loss (sadly)
If she is in good health now, but her health declines in the future, she may have lost the opportunity to make some friends there

Does your mother have any neighbours, relatives or friends or your children who can visit ?

Instead of adding another visit can you phone for a quick chat at an agreed time ?

I would suggest saying to yourself "that you are doing the best that you can"

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that it's not your responsibility to make her happy. You're doing everything you can and don't deserve all the crap she's laying on you. I hope it gets better

Echoing the above - she is not your responsibility and I'd tell her firmly that I don't want to hear it.

Could be my mother you are talking about. Set boundaries in your head. ( Best not negotiate with her re these boundaries !) I just look at my mum and think I will work hard not to become like it! They spend too much time in their heads don't social etc etc. My mum would like to be in a bed with a bell. Sad just sad.

Yes I live five minutes car journey away.

She has two neighbours in the same situation as her one a widower in his60's and the other neighbour a window early 60's.

She fell out with the widower still can't get to the bottom as to why but I think she likes the drama.

Her female friend regularly goes on short coach holidays in the uk and has asked my mother on several occasions to go with her. There was more excuses as to why she couldn't or wouldn't go but none of them valid.

My two nephews visit regularly. In fact I was so upset today that I phoned my nephew who has been on annual leave last week and dropped in every day.

He offered to take her for a run in his car and go for a meal she refused.

It's like banging your head against a brick wall which you will never win.

She's so stubborn.

My nephew said today she just wants you but I don't think it's right or fair to be used as her social outlet.

"My mum would like to be in a bed with a bell" perfect summary of such folks.

OP, as everyone says, boundaries are your best friend. Decide what they will be, and be realistic, because they are long-term. Don't share them with your mother. But stick to them, always. Be kind and breezy if you're questioned, smile and wave if you're emotionally mugged but stick to them. It works and you will both benefit (whether she appreciates that or not).

Good luck.

You have got to learn to say no. Sounds like you are being punished for getting yourself wed. She is responsible for her own social life but she is being manipulative. Cut the visits to twice a week and spend less time trying to justify her issues. Take time out for yourself and don't feel guilty. No is a complete sentence so the MN Massive tell you! Stop suggesting things for her to do, she knows perfectly well what is out there. You are overly invested and need to pull back so she sees she has gone too far.

I went through this with my mother. Her friends would be kept at a distance, and then forgotten, she refused to join groups, take up interests or do anything unless I went with her. Final straw came when she was invited to a wedding of her colleague's daughter and she had a massive tantrum because I wouldn't go with her. She accused me of stopping her from going and embarrassing her with her colleague. She was using me as a partner and emotional punchbag, not treating me like a daughter. We fell out for a while. Now I am married with young children, I do not worry about her social life, if she doesn't. I make trips back home to help and yesterday I sat with her for over 3 hours in A&E after she'd had a fall. I still get the old 'there is no point to my life, I may as well be dead' Now, I say. please don't talk like that to me. If you feel that way, I will make you an GP appointment. And it has worked.

You are going above and beyond as a daughter but you need to stop feeling guilty. It is draining. And she could live well into her 90s. You will never do enough (although she probably tells other people how wonderful you are) I doubt if she tells you. Stop feeling responsible for her solitude, you have shown her the social clubs and she has refused to go. you need to have an honest talk about what you can manage. Your first priorities are your health and your daughter. Surely the neighbour and her can get a taxi between them the social club. Can a shopping trip be included within the three visits as opposed to a fourth visit which is a massive commitment. Say you will be over Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays etc and try to stick to it. Phone her on the days inbetween but cut off at any emotional blackmail or sulking. I ring to say 'just a quickie to see how you are' and I wind it down after 10 minutes, saying I have to go now I will speak/see you tomorrow. Another tip is to do something out of the house on one of your visits (depending on your health) new coffee shop, different supermarket, short walk Exhibition/talk at the library etc. There will be less opportunity for her to moan and she will be out of the house.

You sound like a brilliant daughter and I feel for you. You want to enjoy being with your Mother not resent the time you spend with her, just establish some boundaries for you and for her.

Good luck OP

What do you do when it's your MIL? Same type of thing here, I really sympathise.