Very smelly fil

[Pinkjellybeans]

This is more of a wwud but anyway, I have a disabled fil and I love him to peices i really do. He's brilliant and I could chat to him for hours. Friday he turned up at our house (we haven't seen him in four years as he lives 600 miles away) and asked to stay. Of course we were over the moon and welcomed him in. But he smells, really smells. I'm really strugling with it, as soon as I leave my bedroom in the mornings the smell smacks me in the face all the way from downstairs in the livingroom where he's sleeping. Everytime i enter my house i feel sick. I have spoken to dh and he's persuaded him to let us wash some of his clothes but it's not made any difference. hes staying for 10 days. His personal hygiene is bad. He doesn't bath or shower maybe a quick sink wash but not all over just face and arms kind of thing and he's not done it since I've been here. Hes a large man and sweats alot. His clothes do smell as when he's at home he washes on low temp with very little detergent, drys in bathroom with no open windows and then wears them (no pants either) for 4/5 days day and night. I dont know how to approach it or what to do now. I dont want to upset him but I can't live like this any longer! We've told him he smells but he's taking no notice and I just don't know how to tackle it.

My fil is my same, has a bath only every few weeks, wears the same clothes for days on end (he's amazed that I can get his pants, vest and shirts white with bleach). You could smell his feet upstairs at the other end of the house.

Its fucking grim, I got so pissed off with my sofa stinking after he sat on it I had to just tell him straight.

Dh needs to run him a shower and help him if need be and then wash his clothes. You can't have this for ten days!

Dh needs to put his big boy pants on and get serious with Dad.
Run shower, tell him to go and get in, all clothes are getting washed, no objections allowed. If he whines, "Dad, we love you to bits, but you stink to high heaven, and we can't live with this for 10 days, showers and clean clothes are non negotiable"

OP,

Oh dear, sounds pretty unbearable for you and him.

You mention your FIL has disability: is that now impacting on his mobility/ flexibility/ how he manages in bathrooms, keeping up with laundry etc?
Sounds like he's struggling even in his own home, poor man.

www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/help-at-home/finding-help-at-home/
(Am sure AgeUK would also be able to suggest ways of solving the current personal hygiene problems).

Was he truly not bothered, even when you approached him about the subject, or is it more that he's loath to be dependent on anyone else, and self-conscious about them (esp. close family) helping with personal care/ very protective of his own privacy?
Or stubborn?

Tricky to balance a need for sensitivity and respect for his feelings, with your very definite right to a fresh and pleasant environment...
(As an interim tip until it's sorted: a tiny dab of Vicks below, not in [ouch!], both of your nostrils, will make it more bearable).

Must be distressing to see someone you care about in that state: hope you/ DH and he find a way to discuss it to a better end result for all.

The product below may be useful for him to try: no-rinse body wash (alcohol-free) that cleanses dirt/ odour far more thoroughly than a damp flannel wash.
My nurse friend has experience with it. Your local pharmacy may stock something similar.

www.completecareshop.co.uk/personal-care/no-rinse-shampoo-and-body-wash/no-rinse-body-wash-200ml-bottle

I am wretching just reading this. I think you need to insist that your husband deal with this in private. He needs to tell his dad that he MUST bathe when staying at your home. I honestly don't know how you're coping.

Your FiL, whom you love to pieces. But neither you nor his own son have seen him for four years. So your DH has not bothered to visit him in four years. Might it be at all possible he's turned up on your doorstep unexpectedly because he's feeling lonely and not coping with life?

I do feel for you, but I feel more for your FiL who may be floundering in his life, at the moment. If he hadn't turned up, how many more years might it have been before he would have seen you?

Thank you so much for all the advice I'll answer properly in one second I just need to reply to evans I compleatly understand why you think that but I can assure you it's not the case. He moved 400 miles away 4 years ago, we visited him three times shortly after moving and stayed with him, I then had dc1 and we decided it was too far to take dc1 so met half way then skyped eveyweek. He then kept choosing too move further and further away. I got pregnant with dc2 and he decided he was going to move 600 miles away. He gave up driving (his choice) so couldn't meet us half way any more and expected us to drive all the way to him (he lives very remoteltly no airports ect.) Which would be a drive of 14 hours if we made no stops atall with 2 very young dc. We do love him and regularly skyped him every week but it just seemed so impossible.

Your DH needs to man up and tell
Him and basically wash him

Aah, okay - I can understand your dilemma then PinkJellyBeans. That wasn't clear in your OP.
In that case, your DH does needs to persuade your FiL into the bath/shower and get him to allow you to wash his clothes.
Good Luck

How well off is he? I would guess he's having difficulty getting in and out of the bath and finds the shower too slippery and has found it easier to do without. There are loads of adaptations available and his local authority should provide some help. However you may find he is too proud to want to ask for help. If this is a problem, a good answer is 'You paid taxes all your working life. What do you think you paid all that money for? It was so that you could get the help you need as you get older.'

One other thought - you say he just turned up. Is this his way of asking for help?

Thank you so much for all the advice, SquinkiesRule did tried telling him that but he laughed it off :/
ZuzuMyLittle thank you for all the very helpful advice, he does have carers normally but they don't seem to wash him? Maybe he refuses? I'm not sure? I will be looking into this further for sure.

My grandad was like this after Nan died he went to relatives house and the wife shoved him in the bath and scrubbed him pink

First off he needs a proper assisted bath helped by dh and probably some new clothes and toiletries plus haircut etc. He does need to know that the odour is unpleasant rather than amusingly eccentric.

If he has carers he obviously does need help so they need to be asked to be more vigilant on this. It's difficult though if he refuses. Does he have any mental health issues?

Being kind but very firm is the only way to go. Standards can slip and older people can't always see or smell as well as when younger but those around them can. It's awful if he's being judged as a smelly old man and he needs help.

Oh, and if the smell is stale urine I wonder if he has a bladder or prostate problem that needs medical attention? My dad sometimes has poor control since having had treatment for prostate cancer. That stale urine smell is dreadful.