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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my 15 year old is truanting

28 replies

barbsbarbs · 04/07/2017 15:47

My 15 year old son is nearing the end of year 10. He walks to school doesnt go in We've taken him, but he just walks off after we go. He went in about 11.30 yesterday morning, and hasnt gone in at all today. We have tried talking to him, but he has the worst attitude ever, He swears at us, says he doesnt care. Weve had a letter from the shcool warnign that if he doesnt attend from now on, thye will take legal action. The school have reassured us that the letter was for my sons benefit to scare him a little. But he just doesnt care.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/07/2017 15:50

Take him and walk him in.
Where is he going instead and what is he doing?

Original poster
barbsbarbs · 04/07/2017 15:52

he refuses to come with us in the car and walks. (about 2miles) he hangs around the town with his friends.

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 04/07/2017 15:53

Just caught ds bunking off today (13)confiscated his phone for 24 hours til school discussion tomorrow.

Tough love needed op.

Wolfiefan · 04/07/2017 15:55

He refuses? He's a child. He doesn't get to refuse. So do his mates truant too or are they older wasters with no jobs?

Original poster
barbsbarbs · 04/07/2017 15:56

your right, it just feels more difficult because hes nearly sixteen. he can be verbally aggressive and abusive. Hes worn us both down.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/07/2017 15:57

Which he knows. So he thinks he can get away with it.
Clear and consistent. Consequences every time.

papayasareyum · 04/07/2017 15:57

the thing is, how is the op supposed to ensure he stays there all day? School isn't prison. The op can't walk around chained to her son all day to keep an eye on him. If she walks him into school, he can just walk out when he feels like it.

Original poster
barbsbarbs · 04/07/2017 15:59

yes he refuses, it sounds ridiculous but we cant make him get in the car. We have to rely on his own willingness to go and attend. Talking to him doesnt work. we dont have a lot of eleverage.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/07/2017 16:03

So he has no phone, computer access, use of WIFI, money or hobbies etc you can withhold?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 04/07/2017 16:09

The lad is 15, OP can't exactly drag him into the car.

Take all gadgets off him, no money, no buying him stuff unless it's essential, no going out.

GirlInASwirl · 04/07/2017 16:11

few ideas : 1.) Is there an education welfare team attached to the school. If they know where his is hanging out with his friends, they can go catch up with them there.

2.) There is also an option of the police doing a town sweep (tougher approach but may be needed if he is full rebellious flow).
3.) Talk to parent of friends that he is truanting with - do they know of their children doing the same?
4.) Have a report system with school where you walk him in ; hand him to another staff member and then he gets a mark on his report card for that session
5.) my DS's school have a intranet system that is shared with parents that shows your child signing in to every session during the say - worth a mention to the school?
6.) Find out (from others if he won't talk) about what these kids get from bunking off school - find the motivation
7.) Remove any niceties he gets from you - money/phone/gaming etc until he can sustain his school attendance. No rewards until he meets his responsibilities.
8.) Do have any friends/family members that can do a town sweep?
9.) Is there a chance that he is getting bullied/peer pressured inside school? They could result in the absence and aggressiveness.

I don't think the school should be threatening court action. Are they doing everything they can to track him in through their gates? How are they working together with you? I think they should be thinking outside the box to encourage him in. Would they go through with the court action if there is no improvement? Because if they don't what would your DS learn?

megletthesecond · 04/07/2017 16:14

Is he being bullied? I stopped going when I was bullied and I wasn't exactly the nicest teem at home either.

Maudlinmaud · 04/07/2017 16:15

Oh barbs I'm sorry that sounds really hard. It's easy to say be firm and consistent but if he has no respect for authority it might not matter what you try. I would come down hard on him though and like pp suggested remove all his priveledge's until he complies. I'd be worried about anti social behaviour when not in school.

Totallyoverwhelmed42 · 04/07/2017 16:19

Take his phone , he can earn it back through attending school.

Original poster
barbsbarbs · 04/07/2017 17:45

yes will now not give him any money. thanks for all your advice....

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 04/07/2017 17:51

I sat in on one of these meetings once with the EWO.

Mum, very co-operative, at her wits end, and a very stroppy 15yo (who unfortunately was twice the size of her mother in both height and width). (just painting the picture)

EWO: Drag her in
Mum: Physically? :O
EWO: if need be , yes
Mum: Le me get this right, you want me to physically drag my daughter in?
EWO: yes
Mum turns to the school attendance officer: Will you notify social services if I lay hands on my daughter and drag her in?
ATT O: Yes it's assault and becomes a safeguarding issue.

The meeting ended with a very smug 15yo knowing no one can make her do a goddamned thing she doesn't want to do!

GreenTulips · 04/07/2017 17:52

Phone internet tv friends money - treats - all removed until he attends school

Threaten to sit in every class with him unless he goes willingly

Volunteer him for the local food bank or homeless center - let him see some reality

Get ya big girl pants on and DH on board and stick with it

DO NOT give times - example - we are removeing X YAnd Z until we feel confident you are in school blah

Don't say we are taking your phone for a week - let him stew

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/07/2017 17:52

Why isn't he going? Is there something at school, maybe struggling with lessons (which he will if he's missed a lot), is he struggling with mental health or bullying etc.

Also worth seeing what it's like when he does turn up. I worked with a young person trying to get them back into school after months of bunking off - they consistently got sarcastic "so glad you could join us" comments from teachers, which completely undid any work I was doing to try and get them there.

Yes, use discipline to get him there but also try to get to the bottom of what's stopping him going - he might be more suited to a different kind of education provision e.g.further ed college or something. Do your local authority have alternatives to school for school refusers?

Original poster
barbsbarbs · 04/07/2017 18:04

im going to turn off the internet after eight o clock. he has mental health issues, (adhd, anxiety) he also bunked off the camghs appointments too,. he hangs around the town centre and most of his freinds are at college so hav emore free time

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 04/07/2017 19:55

Why 8v you do know his phone isn't his whole social life - he can make arrangements etc on there

It will just result in a kick off at 8!!

Take his electronics and you have the internet - come in - put your foot down

Tazerface · 04/07/2017 20:12

Well I know I wouldn't be able to follow through on a threat of sitting in the classroom and I suspect school wouldn't allow it either - he's not a five year old he's 15! He'll know a bluff when be hears it.

GreenTulips · 04/07/2017 20:32

Well I tell my kids this and they know I mean it!!

californication87 · 04/07/2017 21:08

I really don't think it's a case of simply being tough on him and handing out more punishments. I think you need to find a way to make school a better environment for him, especially considering he has MH issues.

When I was his age I rarely ever turned up at school and everyone assumed I was a lazy, insubordinate teenager and just couldn't be bothered. In reality I had terrible anxiety and struggled immensely with school due to undiagnosed ADHD. School made me suicidal to the point where I had no other choice but to stop attending. Whenever I did go to school, I was constantly in trouble for not understanding the work, not paying attention, having a 'bad attitude', etc. I think that perhaps if people had bothered to investigate the real reason I wasn't attending school i.e. MH issues, school might not have been such a horrible place for me.

I would advise you to talk to your DS and try to find out more about why he has been skipping school. Maybe if you can get to the root of the problem, it might be easier for both of you?

Flowers for you and your DS, OP.

ChoudeBruxelles · 04/07/2017 21:11

Take everything away (phone, Xbox/PlayStation, tablet, cash card ..) change the wifi password. He gets to earn things back by going to school.

thesnailandthewhale · 04/07/2017 21:17

Greentulips - at our school (and I'm guessing all others) parents wouldn't be allowed into a classroom. There are safeguarding issues with having members of the public in school, there would be zero chance of that being allowed to happen.