Help - relationship with DM causing stress.

[Pariswhenitdrizzles]

Hi everyone.

First of all, sorry this is long!

I'm under a bit of stress at the moment, as I'm job-hunting and flat-hunting, and I think this is affecting my relationship with my DM. We do love each other very much, but we both get quite stressed very easily, which is making our relationship a bit difficult.

I went home to visit my parents this weekend, and my DM seemed quite stressed (which she has been for a long time). She kept on telling me to 'act my age' (25) and to stop being 'a pain in the arse'.

In terms of 'acting my age', I think this means finishing all of the food on my plate if shes prepared a meal for me, and getting upset if I haven't finished everything. This was what I was expected to do as a child. I've tried to now gently say to her that I'm not always able to always finish everything, and she'll often sigh and say 'you're a pain in the arse', 'a brat' or something similar.

I know that part of the reason why she's stressed is because I'm job-hunting and flat-hunting, but I'm not sure how to deal with it.

As I'm not having much luck with job-hunting (I'm looking for full-time jobs rather than the part-time freelance work that I'm currently doing), I'm looking into volunteering positions as well. I've been told that volunteering is a really good way of building up experience and skills, and when I mention this to my DM, she'll say 'yes, but volunteering doesn't bring any money in'. That is, of course, very true, but I don't really feel as if I have an alternative right now.

Also, my DM and DF had me quite late in life (when they were in their forties). They're now in their early seventies. Now, my DM says that she of course wants to me settled and happy sooner rather than later, with a good job, which is causing me quite a bit of stress, as I really want to make her happy and also find a good full-time job.

Also, one of our very close relatives is getting married abroad next month. This relative (who's a little bit older than me) is doing really well, with a great full-time job and a house in London that they bought a couple of years ago with their fiancé. I wonder if my DM is comparing me with this relative, and feeling upset that I'm not at the same 'life stage' as this relative and their partner?

How can I improve our relationship and help her to realise that I am independent and can stand on my own two feet?

AIBU to ask for your advice please?

Did you post about this before?

How often do you see your parents? If it's every other day or even once a week, I can see how this would be draining.

But if it's more occasional visits, could you not just sort of suck it up in the meantime? Things may feel less stressful once you get a flat/job.

Are you independent and standing on your own 2 feet?

Hi Very - thanks for your reply. Yes, I have posted before about this.

That's very true - I agree that I could just 'put up with it' for infrequent visits, but there is a possibility that I'll have to move back home with my parents if I don't manage to find a job. This would be quite difficult for them and for me, I think.

It seems your mum has a point then if your jobless and homeless

You don't "have" to move back with your parents, you might choose to. I wouldn't if I were you though, you and your mother both sound like you are making a lot of drama about nothing.

there is a possibility that I'll have to move back home with my parents if I don't manage to find a job. This would be quite difficult for them and for me, I think

Yes, I imagine from what you've said that it would be. No point in pretending otherwise.

At the moment, I would concentrate in investing all my energy into job/flat finding and not get hung up on any friction betwern you and your mum, tbh. Especially if you're not currently living with her.

It's not nice but relationships do go through peaks and troughs and this is probably just a temporary blip.

If your work/living situation does dramatixally improve and your mum is still sniping at you, there'll be time to consider a plan of action then.

Thanks Very :) what you've suggested in your last post seems to be a very good plan of action.

And that's a good point Will - thanks :) I agree with you.

araiwa your comments are quite hurtful. Please don't post somewhere if the comments are going to be unsupportive.

Anyone else with further suggestions? Thanks :)

Anyone with other advice please? :)

About the food issue... Does your mother make up the plate for you or do you serve yourself? Lots of the small issues in life that cause tension can be avoided. If she puts food on your plate, change this. You're a grown woman, you can serve yourself and take the quantity you will actually finish.

From your OP it sounds like she is telling you to act your age at 25 but actually infantalising you (i.e. telling you to finish your dinner, "stop acting like a child and a brat")

The only thing I would gently advise is stop looking for volunteering work. Yes, it's nice to volunteer and it may bulk up a CV and give you experience but she is right, it does not bring any money in and if you're still attempting to find a volunteering job that time could be spent looking for a paying job. Of course easier said than done with this job market.

Hi Aquamarine thanks for your reply.

My Mum serves me - she seems to find this the least stressful option, as that's how it's always been done. She sees the kitchen as 'her space', and doesn't really like me cooking for the family, as she prefers to cook for everyone herself. I've offered to cook regularly, but she's never taken me up on the offer.

My Dad worked away for years when I was younger, so my Mum looked after my sister and I pretty much on her own, so she's preferred to keep things as she's always done them.

Mission thanks so much for your reply. I completely agree with you.

For me, this is part of the problem - I'm being told to be responsible and be mature, which I of course understand and accept, but then I'm also being treated a bit like a child.

This is why I'm worried about having to move back home, because I feel as if our relationship will suffer, and it won't really do me any good if I'm being told to be independent but not able to be independent.

Paris Where are you living at the moment? How far away from there are you and how much of a possibility is it of moving back home?

Re: The food issue. Just don't eat their food. If you do move back home then you do a weekly shop for yourself and then cook yourself meals as and when you need to. No ifs or buts. If they challenge you on it or sulk just say independent adults don't generally rely on their parents to cook them food

With all due respect araiwa was making a valid point. If you might potentially have to move back home with your parents, then your mum's comments aren't massively unfair. Some of it is, yes, but if you're potentially having to fall back in your parents In their 70s then I'd really focus all energy on any full time job, focus the time looking for volunteer work on it.

For me, this is part of the problem - I'm being told to be responsible and be mature, which I of course understand and accept, but then I'm also being treated a bit like a child.

That's (can be) the parent/child dynamic, OP!

It's a pain, but you're far from the first, last and only one to complain of this!