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Unfair expectations?

18 replies

Itsaninlawsone · 04/07/2017 12:38

DH, DD (aged 1) and I are going to Ireland for our summer holiday for a week.

DHs parents live there so we partly decided to holiday close by to spend time with them and for them to see DD.

DH and I want to spend our holiday out and about doing things but my PIL have made it clear that they want us to visit their home to see them and aren't interested in meeting up (close by to where they live) for pub lunches, days out etc.

Hanging out at their house isn't very fun (in the middle of nowhere, nothing to do) so I'm not thrilled to be spending our family time over there doing not much at all. Whenever we visit them we spend much of our time hanging around at home but because this is our summer holiday I want it to be more interesting than that.

We live in England- they very rarely visit us as FIL doesn't like being on other people's turf so we've always gone there to spend time with them. I think FIL suffers from social anxiety which may be why he doesn't like to go out and wants us to visit them at home instead but this hasn't ever been said.

MIL is great and really cares about DD so I feel that I don't want to prevent her from spending time with her since she rarely sees her.

We haven't been great at visiting since DD was born as it's such a faff flying with a baby but it was their 'turn' to visit us when we realised it just wasn't going to happen hence booking our summer holiday over there instead.

AIBU to say that we'll visit them at their house once and if they want to join us on day trips etc they're very welcome to?

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 04/07/2017 12:41

AIBU to say that we'll visit them at their house once and if they want to join us on day trips etc they're very welcome to?

YANBU it's your holiday and you are being more than accommodating.

Enidblyton1 · 04/07/2017 12:49

Yes absolutely. Be really nice about it, but firm. If you are there for a week and they can't be persuaded to leave their house at all, I think it would be nice to visit them twice rather than once - but still giving you enough time to explore and have fun.

steppedonlego · 04/07/2017 12:55

YANBU. They're more than welcome to come and join you to eat and for days out of they want to see you.

Justhadmyhaircut · 04/07/2017 12:56

I declare the phrase 'fair weather gps' for theses sort of people. .
They profess to love /miss / can't wait to see the gc. . But only if they can be hand delivered when it's convenient for them and only then. .
Suggest a tea time when you can be waited on hand and foot. .
Then enjoy the rest of your holiday. . Give them some details of your schedule should they wish to grace you with their presence then it's up to them. .

Itsaninlawsone · 04/07/2017 15:38

Thanks everyone. Glad I'm not being too unreasonable. I know it won't go down well if we don't spend hours on end on their sofa but I think we'll have to be strict but polite about it.

OP posts:
bigbluebus · 04/07/2017 15:52

We used to go to IL's for a week every summer (with 2 DCs) and stay in a cottage next door. IL's rarely came out with us but we would arrange to have a meal with them every other evening -usually MIL cooked or if the weather was good, they would come to us for a BBQ. Would something like that work for you - appreciate your DD is only young so may go to bed early.

TheSparrowhawk · 04/07/2017 16:26

My parents are similar - live in Ireland, rarely come over, not very interested in going out. When we visit we leave the kids with them and fuck off on our own. Is that a possibility?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2017 17:35

YANBU. Your in-laws are being ridiculously self-centered. Your husband is the one who needs to deal with his parents. I would let him be aware that you expect he will support you in this.

Itsaninlawsone · 05/07/2017 07:59

Could be Sparrow, they've never babysat for her before and she doesn't see them enough to remember them but we might see how it goes and suggest it. She's usually fine with nursery and baby sitters.

Yes- will definitely leave DH to deal with it Aqua!

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 05/07/2017 08:12


You're making all the effort to go to their locale; the least they could do is leave their house for five minutes to socialise with you (or at least their grandchild)!

They sound very self centred.

Thekissbyklimt13 · 05/07/2017 08:17

What part of Ireland? I'd find an attraction or two that you "have always wanted to see" so you really must go on your days out, and invite them along (if you want).

witsender · 05/07/2017 08:22

I would allocate them one day for sofa sitting

Stardustandicecream · 05/07/2017 08:30

God I could have written this post! My inlaws are exactly the same!

You are not being unreasonable at all - they are being selfish and very difficult. You have s young child - yes bloody hard to travel with them. We had the same and spent our days trying to get out from our self catering place will all her baby stuff needed, scheduling around naps etc just to sit in their kitchen and try and stop her burning herself on the range the whole time! It was beyond awful! We did this twice and now just do what suits us. If they want a relationship with their grandchildren they can try harder.
Just go on your days out, do what suits you and keep inviting them along. And ask your oh to make it clear they need to visit you too as it's hard to travel with kids.

JustHappy3 · 05/07/2017 08:39

I think you have to suck it up tbh. I'd be looking at spending some time every other day with them. Whether that's a teatime meal, lunch etc. I'm not talking out of my arse as we do this.
I know that both sets of GPs struggle to do stuff like eat out - lots of my mate's dad's seem to have also lost social confidence in the face of retirement and ill health. I used to rage but now i try to understand.
I know too that one GP feels it a greatsource of shame that we holiday nearby and don't stay with them. This ex asperates me but again i try to understand. Even tho it's annoying that they won't visit the cottage either.
So no help i'm afraid but you're not alone.

gabsdot · 05/07/2017 09:10

Go on your days out and pop in for an hour every other evening. No need to spend the whole day there.

Stardustandicecream · 05/07/2017 09:41

Gabsot - she has a 1 year old who will presumably be going to bed at 7pm ish so not that easy to pop in in evening although I guess her OH could.

Itsaninlawsone · 05/07/2017 18:28

Yes, evenings are out unfortunately as DD goes to bed at 6-6.30pm. She struggles being kept up any later.

Thanks for all of the points of view. DH is going to have a chat with his DM tomorrow to see if we can come up with something.

OP posts:
GrasswillbeGreener · 05/07/2017 18:42

I'd consider offering to TAKE them out; or, from the sound of it, offer to take MIL out somewhere that FIL wouldn't want to visit but she might enjoy. I'm generally in agreement with all above comments though.

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