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18 replies

Namechangecentralstation · 03/07/2017 19:41

I have two DDs, haven't been in a relationship with their father for over ten years. A couple of years ago he got in to some serious trouble and as a result DDs don't see him, only supervised contact was initially allowed after a safeguarding enquiry to see if I could keep them safe by not allowing unsupervised contact. Of course I could.

Ex has a female friend, he denies she is his girlfriend as she is already married, but DDs are sure that they are in a relationship due to their behaviour - I didn't push for details.

This female friend is the subject of my AIBU - let's call her C. Ever since she's been on the scene she seems to have took on a step mother role to DDs. I initially thought this was something I just needed to get used to, until I learned that she'd had her own children removed by the local authority due to failing to keep them safe from harm (her DD had been sexually abused by a family member and C was allowing (and in fact colluding in) unsupervised access. I learned this around midnight one night when a mutual friend of ex and I rang to ask if I knew where my DDs were. I instantly spoke to ex (this is prior to his own sexual offence conviction) and said I didn't want DDs having unsupervised contact with C.

However, C wouldn't back off, culminating in her giving out DD2s name and address for some random online thing - I only found out when we received a letter in the post. I have a long, long history of family dramas and am deliberately very careful over who gets my address etc - even my full name. I saw red at this point and told C to back the fuck off. She still didn't but I blocked her on all the usual sites.

The most recent drama has been going on since ex's conviction a couple of years ago, one message asking if DDs could join her and ex on a family meal to celebrate his birthday, she would supervise. Then I started getting messages from ex via her, and she was attempting to contact DDs without my knowledge. I have sent numerous messages telling her not to contact me or my DDs, that we were not and never will be friends, and she is certainly not some kind of step mother to my DDs. Things got so bad a few month ago that I actually contacted ex's probation officer and police contact to warn that if the contact didn't stop then I would be taking it further.

The police went round and had a word. The very next day C emailed to ask if we could meet up at a soft play to chat while ex played with DDs. I ignored.

Then today I have had yet another saying that she had saw something advertised and wondered whether it was something that we would be interested in - you know, the kind of message you would send your friend, not someone who has reported you for basically stalking Confused

I know I need to do something, but I'm unsure what. I can't afford solicitors fees, as although I'm on income support I know there's strict criteria for legal aid. Please can anyone advise what I could do to basically tell her to leave us alone?

(Sorry for marathon post!)

OP posts:

nomorebabiesyet · 03/07/2017 20:23

Can you go to the police and say shes stalking you and you and dds feel scared. How old are your dds. Can they guve a statement?


Namechangecentralstation · 03/07/2017 22:01

Thanks for your reply, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible Flowers

I guess I'm unsure as to whether it is actually stalking, DDs are old enough to give statements but I'm trying to keep them away from all this - they've been through enough.

OP posts:

Refilona · 03/07/2017 22:10

Do your daughters need to see their dad? This seems to be a very dangerous environment for them to be involved in. Is their dad's sexual offence to do with minors? If C's is, just that would be enough for me not to want any contact. I would talk to a solicitor yes. Hope it all gets resolved soon. Flowers


PeaFaceMcgee · 03/07/2017 22:19

Back to the police - a harrassment order or whatever it's called.


PeaFaceMcgee · 03/07/2017 22:20

They can do much more than "have a word" and you should insist on it being taken seriously this time.


Namechangecentralstation · 03/07/2017 22:29

Refilona no they don't see him at all now, social services suggested supervised contact once a month or so, but I didn't think it was in their best interests. They have telephone contact instead. And yes, offences against children under 13 Sad

Thanks all, so it would be police and not solicitor for a harassment order? And would they say she's not harassing me enough? There's only been about 15-20 messages over the past 18 month, but it's like she's got some weird obsession with DDs!

OP posts:

mydietstartsmonday · 03/07/2017 22:42

I think logging it with the police is e right thing them there is a record. It is simple she has a record for abetting sexual abuse to minors her behaviour could be seen as grooming. Go in with that angle rather than the stalking.


LewisFan · 03/07/2017 22:51

Can you look up your area and "women's centre" as often they have free legal advice sessions you may be able to get hep from.

It sounds like a completely shitty situation and I wouldn't blame you for stopping telephone contact too!


PeaFaceMcgee · 03/07/2017 23:12

would they say she's not harassing me enough?

No. The situation is obviously wrong and you have nothing to lose in asking them to serve her with a harrassment or restraining order, let alone the massive safeguarding risk she is to potentially other children.


PeaFaceMcgee · 03/07/2017 23:18

Have just looked up the 'Prevention from Harassment Act (1997)', two or more incidents from the same person, causing you distress or alarm, counts as harassment.


Guitargirl · 03/07/2017 23:27

I would go back to the police. I would also be using the word grooming in my conversations with the police and I would be having an age appropriate conversation with DDs about why they should be letting you know if she tries to contact them without your knowledge.


Catlady45 · 03/07/2017 23:50

I would go straight to social services and tell them your concerns.
They may also have concerns about your daughters having unsupervised contact with this woman and will put a stop to it if they feel it necessary.


Namechangecentralstation · 04/07/2017 07:32

Thanks all for the reassurance, it's good to know I'm not overreacting.

Ill get back in touch with the police today and ask about harassment/safeguarding etc. I don't feel physically threatened by her, but I do feel concerned that despite numerous conversations stating otherwise, she still sees herself as involved with DDs and I'm worried as to how far she'd go with that.

DDs don't have any contact at all with her, they know to let me know if she tries.

OP posts:

Marmalady75 · 04/07/2017 08:00

Glad you are going to the police. I'd second the suggestion of contacting social services too. You are not overreacting- your DDs are precious and it's better to be safe than sorry when it comes to their welfare.


hulahoopsrus · 04/07/2017 09:16

She sounds potentially dodgy so yes do all you can to protect your DDs. Her behaviour is very strange...


bellabasset · 04/07/2017 17:16

It sounds as if there is possibly a safeguarding issue here, so I would do as Marmalady suggests contact social services and liase with SS and the police regarding C's background. As you appear not to have anyone to support you who has an understanding of how the law works could I suggest that you contact your local MP's office with your concerns about your DD's. A staff member in his/her office will check on your behalf that the action necessary to protect your DD'S and address your concerns is being undertaken. MP's are able to contact people in authority that we, the public, don't have access to and will advise you if any other action needs to be taken.


Namechangecentralstation · 04/07/2017 21:20

Just wanted to update to say I phoned the police today who confirmed it is harassment and I have an appointment to go in to make a statement in a couple of days. Many thanks for for everyone who posted who gave me the confidence to do so.

Bella you're completely correct, I do t have anyone advising me. Social services were absolutely useless (telling me they were closing the case as DD2 was absolutely fine, despite them not actually bothering to contact school to find out that no, she wasn't fine) and have now closed the case anyway as they said they would only keep it open to supervise contact. As I'm not agreeing to contact (DDs can't cope with it) then there's no reason for their involvement.

The police though, I have to say, have been a fantastic support throughout, three different forces are involved and each and everyone of them have completely restored my faith in them (I was a victim of CSA many years ago and had a very hard time with the police). At least one good thing has came out of this.

OP posts:

PeaFaceMcgee · 05/07/2017 00:44

Brilliant OP - glad police are taking it seriously.

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