To Be Cross When DH Says He's Done The Dishwasher 'For Me'

[Berrie]

I'm probably very stupid to snap that it isn't MY dishwasher and not MY pots 'cause he'll think twice about doing it today but...honestly...I know he'd had a stressful day but so had I and I was trying to tell him just how hard I'd tried to fight off the glooms yesterday because I feel so lonley and bored and tired but he just grunted at me 'cause he was too busy stacking MY dishwasher for ME...
Actually, I suppose in some way I feel guilty that I'm not on top of it all that the dishwasher needs doing at all which is why I snapped.

My Dh overloads the dishwasher so nothing is properly clean. He also puts washing on and then doesnt take it out so its in there for about two days stinking and i have to put it on again anyway. He then thinks it is helpful to tidy all my makeup away off my dressing table, which really angers me, grrr.
Having said that he does help me and he is a fantastic daddy so i dont really have anything major to moan about

My dhs mother used to do everything for his dad. Unfortuantely she died three years ago so his dad is a bit lost now.

Actually Dh is pretty good really, I think I was just feeling a bit touchy. Yes it is because I don't work, I feel like it's my job really...bloody crap job - can't be arsed to do it well enough to get any job satisfaction, no pay, no sick days, Blah blah, balah, bl.. aaaaahhhhhh!

Right...off to do the shopping for me!

my dh is actually very tidy around the house but as I am at home now it does fall on me to do the housework, which I don't mind at all and is only fair when he works 6am - 5pm, however it does infuriate me when on his days off he asks "is there anything you want me to do?" which in itself puts the responsibility on me. Can't he see for himself? If I then say "yes, you can hang the washing out/do the hoovering/go shopping", it is followed by general sighing, tutting and, later on, moaning about having wasted his day off doing chores!

Xenia - both my ex-Dh and my DP come from families where their mother does absolutely everything - to the extent that their fathers wouldn't be able to heat a can of beans up. In one case the mother worked full-time as a nurse, and yet the father still did nothing around the house. So while both ex-DH and DP feel that they are "new men" who participate fully in family life etc. they've had years and bloody years of conditioning, and would still refer to having put out the rubbish "for you" etc. I make damn sure that my 3 sons see their fathers do housework and never assume that it's my job - although as a SAHM I can only really do this at weekends, which completely undermines the point I'm trying to make . It's the next generation we need to work on!

guilt now for moaning about him - he is also a suberb, loving husband and daddy!

I had thought it would change when I went back to work but it hasn't and am now just exhausted. And when I do suggest that he might like to do more we always have a huge row. And then, occasionally, as powder28, he has a massive tidying frenzy which apparently makes it all OK again. I no longer have any answers!

I had this the other day!

'Did you notice how I did the washing up for you, darling? Wasnt that kind of me!'

Yep, yep, very kind. I was putting all the washing away, bathing the children and I had cooked dinner as well.

Grrrrr!!

Still love him though!

It's hard even if you both work if you have a man like that. I didn't. Before we married he showed me how he managed his own home. I remember him showing me his system for washing and drying shirts.

I suppose ways to deal with men who aren't like that are either just give up and do it all because it's not worth the battle; earn so much you can afford a cleaner to do it; get the children to help - you can stack a dishwasher by the time you're 5 or 6; don't do the jobs that are his.

I do think you need to divide jobs up and not help each other with the other's jobs so you might cook and he might do all the washing or he might cook and you wash the clothes otherwise it will become helping. Or he has Sat morning off to do X so you have Sundays off etc

Ooooooooooh i hate that - DH also says Ive taken your bins out

We have that sort of understadnig with the kids. If ds1 wakes up my dh gets up with him. If ds2 wakes up i get up with him. My husband is pretty fantastic. He will stay up all night with ds1 and go to work. Also on my dhs days off sometimes i go back to bed if ive had a bad night. I think its pretty equal in my house. Also my dh irons all his own stuff. I have only recently started ironing my clothes becasue my mum pointed out how scruffy they looked!

That sounds reasonable. With the twins I got up in the night with them until they were one as I was feeding them and he couldn't do that and then he did most of the getting up in the nights for the second year which was a reasonable deal particularly as they woke less in year 1 than year 2. The main thing is something that's workable and everyone is happy with so it's just good communication I suppose not that I'm an expert, being divorced now.

I don't have a dishwasher issue - my partner won't let me load it (admittedly he is incredibly much better at this than me).

In general, I make quite a big point about which household tasks are individual responsibilities and which ones are collective. Since I am currently a SAHM I think that the bulk of the collective responsibilities (laundry, ironing, shopping, cleaning, preparing meals) are mine to manage (though not necessarily to execute - I have a cleaner, window cleaner, order shopping on the internet etc). However, tidying up is definitely an individual responsibility - each person must look after his/her own things and put them back in place, leave the bathroom clean and tidy for the next person etc

I do do things for my partner that I wouldn't do if I was working full time - that's the deal, which can be renegotiated at any point if it becomes unfair.

But I would hate someone to talk about "your bins" or "your dishwasher". They are no more mine than the loo is - there to service us all.

as for "doing the dishwasher"- What IS there to do? You load it, you put a tab in and you switch it on. Now if he were saying he'd cleaned the oven or the toilet or something, that might elicit a more positive reaction from me.

My dh used to use the 'for you' phrase often. Until he said it once whn I was particularly pre menstraul and gave him such an earful, he is far more careful with his words.

Leave him hes obviously inconsiderate

Seriously i would be narked and i don't know a woman who wouldn't be.

Mine said the other day, he was "proud of me" as I'd just started to get the hang of housework!!!
It makes my blood boil.
His weekends off are for "resting"

inthehouse - yes, it's just the "rational division of labour" principal at work.

In an ideal world couples would split the money-earning highly-valued work 50:50 and the unpaid less-valued work 50:50 but that doesn't always make sense for the work/life balance for the whole family. And I don't think that matters just as long as everyone values and appreciates the other and understands the sacrifices each one makes in the interest of family harmony.

I have found that behaving in a pathetically grateful way and saying, "Oh thank you, that's so kind that you helped me with the laundry", made DH embarrassed that he didn't do it more often and ended up snapping saying, "you don't have to thank me you know."

To be fair though, we both work full time atm so we should be sharing. I agree with you Anna, that as a SAHM, the bulk of the household stuff falls to you. I will expect that when I give up work shortly.

If he said "I loaded the dishwasher for you", I wouldn't be able to help myself saying, "Thank you, that's very kind. I've washed and dried your dirty pants and socks for you, ironed your shirts and put them away, tidied your living room, bathed your children, but that's ok because you did YOUR job today and brough home the bacon" and give a wry grin so he knows I'm taking the p'ss out of him.

Honestly, I think they (massive generalisation alert) say it because they're so surprised at themselves, they want you to notice. It's slightly pathetic really.

A heavy dose of sarcasm necessary here, I think. Unless dh/dp is thicker than 2 short planks.